CW: *mention of depression* *mention of death* *mention of blood collection* *mention of war* *racism* *mention of PTSD* *mention of addiction* *mention of colonialism*
Alexander: I got your test results. I'd like to start a new treatment if you still want it. This one won't mess you up, the old one had too much to do with hormones. You may experience withdrawal effects, depressive symptoms more intensely over the next few weeks. (He tilted his head) It's hard enough to find the right dosage and molecules usually, so...
Sam nodded: Thanks. (she hesitated) Isn't Dr. Williams coming?
Alexander shook his head: She thinks that... Hmm. That you trust me more. She doesn't want to force you.
Sam lowered her head: Sorry. I was rude to her. (she grimaced) Again.
Alexander smiled softly: She knows it's just a defense. She's seen it all before, don't worry. (She returned his smile, shy and still ashamed of her behavior.) She's training the other psychiatrists on the base today. There's even a new one. Dr. Hutchison, if you ever feel more comfortable with someone else. (Sam nodded, still uncomfortable) Can I give you a swab now, so it's done?
Sam nodded and watched as he busied himself with her sampling: Where do you know her from?
Alexander: From university. She used to help me. (He tilted his head and pulled himself together) Um, we helped each other. (She questioned him with her eyes) I was born in Vietnam. I was a political refugee when I was 10. (she swallowed) I remember I would have liked to have stayed there, but I was all alone. (she winced and bowed her head, remembering the loss of her mother when she was 13 and the pain it had caused her. Losing your family in wartime must have been horrible. He exclaimed) Hey! You want to know something funny about me?
Sam surprised at the change of tone: Hmm?
Alexander smiled: I have no idea what my name is! (she frowned) When I arrived, I was placed in an orphanage. I managed to get some of my file back. It turns out I didn't speak a word for two years. Not even Vietnamese. They diagnosed me as a mute. (He tilted his head and smiled.) So I had sign language lessons. Since I had no papers with me, they gave me a random identity.
She smiled nervously, wondering if it was really a "fun thing" or not, classifying it as PTSD instead.
Alexander wrote down information about the sample and whispered: That's how I ended up with an American first name and a last name common in Vietnam. (He smiled sarcastically.) Assimilation, all that. (He tilted his head.) Which didn't stop me from getting racist jokes about my name.
Sam winced slightly at his last thought and continued: What made you talk?
Alexander: Another Viet' kid at the orphanage. (she smiled and he chuckled) Yeah, big cliché, I was in love with her. (he exclaimed again) She talked all the time! She actually terrified me so I kept quiet. (he put a hand near her mouth, as if to tell her a secret) I used to be far from talkative. (she smiled and nodded) One day she said that if I refused to talk to her, she wouldn't be my friend anymore.
Sam looked at him, half amused, half saddened by the cruelty that children can have: What did you tell her?
Alexander exclaimed: "Bạn nói quá nhiều!" (she smiled slightly in advance) "You talk too much!" (she giggled, he smiled at her reaction and continued) I went to medical school in San Diego.
Sam, surprised: Oh? (he questioned her with his eyes) My brother lives there.
Alexander: Oh?
Sam: Yeah. He has two kids with his wife. A boy and a girl.
He nodded, waiting to see if she wanted to continue talking, but as there was a silence, he resumed his story.
Alexander: We met there with Bell (he smiles at the memory of those years) and we'd do the world together whenever we had time (she questioned him with her eyes) Oh. The others went to the beach or to parties, we did political demonstrations and volunteered here and there. (He smiled at her) Those were our parties.
Sam smiled politely: That must have been nice.
Alexander nodded a few times gently in nostalgia, then continued: You went to school here, I believe?
Sam nodded: Yeah. This is the only academy in the country.
Alexander: It's hard to get in, apparently.
Sam: Now much more so. (she tilted her head) It used to be okay.
Alexander: What did you do outside of school?
Sam: Any other classes? (he blows his nose and she tilts her head) I had taken a lot of options.
Alexander nodded: A hobby?
Sam: Motorcycles?
Alexander smiles: Oh?
Sam smiles: Yeah, I have two, a vintage and a sports one. I like to tinker with them. (she tilted her head and looked at him knowingly) I like to tinker.
Alexander amused: Where does this passion come from?
Sam smiled: A poorly programmed vocation? (he questioned her with his eyes and she quickly moved her hand towards him) Understand, I love my job. It gives me opportunities that I would never have had anywhere else and... (Alexander smiled politely) I think fighting for others is one of the reasons I'm here.
Alexander exclaimed: A warrior.
Sam returned his smile and said more softly: I love astronomy, for as long as I can remember, I've always dreamed of going into space, but I should have become a doctor. (he raised his eyebrows) Not really because I wanted to. (he frowned and she grimaced) You see these illogical shortcuts that children make when they discover life?
Alexander: Hmm?
Sam : I used to take apart every electronic device in the house to understand how it worked. I don't know why, it was something that made me feel better. (she insisted) To understand why and how it worked or the opposite. How I could fix them. (she hesitated) When my mother died, it intensified. (She moved her hand) I needed to... To...
Alexander: Fix the others.
Sam looked at him and nodded: Hmm. And it became... Pathological? (He questioned her with his eyes) So in addition to wanting to understand mechanics and chemistry, I wanted to know all about genetics, psychology, medicine, and other things that can potentially... fix themselves. (Emphasizing) I needed that. (In a whisper as he looked away) I need that.
Alexander nodded: To keep control.
Sam: Hm. (she grinned) It's ridiculous, I know.
Alexander shrugged: No. It's the result of trauma. I can understand. (He moved his hand toward her) I work with an organization in Vietnam that treats victims of Agent Orange.
Sam shook her head apologetically: My father was in the Vietnam War. He warned us at the time to watch our health and...
Alexander: Your children's.
Sam, uncomfortable: Yeah. If I was ever a carrier I think Jolinar cured me.
Alexander nodded and returned to the original topic: That's why I became a surgeon. Trauma too.
Sam, sympathetic: Sorry.
Alexander: It was a poorly programmed vocation as well. I wanted to go into genetics because of that but I felt it was impossible to... To fix. No funds, not the technology yet. (She nodded, sorry, and remembered his strange reactions on the subject when she had said she knew his name at the introductory briefing. He resumed more cheerfully) Any plans for this weekend?
Sam: Nothing yet.
Alexander: You must be thrilled. After this removal from active duty, being able to go out freely... (she smiles wryly, reminding him that it was partly because of him) If you're bored, I've taken on some volunteer hours at the center's clinic. You can come with me, there's no shortage of work.
Sam, surprised: Oh? (She straightened up nervously and wondered if he was hitting on her) Like I said, not that kind of doctor.
Alexander: My assistant? Only small superficial cuts, colds, that kind of thing (he insisted) Always under my supervision. I don't force you to do anything. Come if you want a change of scenery. I'll be there from 2 p.m. both days. (she nodded) Are you sleeping well right now? Do you need sleeping pills or tranquilizers?
Sam shook her head: I avoid it with my work. (he frowned and she tilted her head) Even if we are off duty, we can still be called back in an emergency.
Alexander considered this answer and nodded: How do you compensate?
Sam smiled slightly: With coffee? (he smiled, she insisted) Lots of coffee.
Alexander nodded several times: Be careful though. There are risks to drinking too much coffee.
Sam: I also know the risks of not drinking enough. (He chuckled and she perked up) Uh. I'm sorry I wasted your time with my session.
Alexander smiles: Not really. That was my third test. (she questioned him with her eyes, he smiled even more) Curiosity makes you talk. (she froze) Mutual trust. (she giggles and realized that she had just been tricked) Are you the type to hold a grudge?
Sam smiled ironically: Time will tell?
Alexander laughed and stood up: Well, come on. I'll let you go Colonel.
Sam, surprised: Oh. Uh. (he questioned her with his eyes and sat down slowly. She swallowed) I have a strange problem to tell you about.
Alexander: "Problem"?
Sam tilted her head: I've done some research, I know it's not specific, it's not diagnostic or prognostic on its own, my hypothesis to explain it would be an alteration in the functioning of my rhinal cortex area. Like a brain failure that-
Alexander widened his eyes more and more, then moved his hands in front of him again: Stop stop! I'm the doctor here.
Sam smiled: Sorry. I'm having deja vu. More intense. Paramnesia? (faster, so as not to get confused by his explanations) I'm reliving moments of my life.
Alexander retrieved his medical file from behind him and opened it: Okay. I guess if you're telling me about it, it's intensifying?
Sam nodded: Yes. (She saw him reading her file and remembered that he had been interested in this topic at a previous appointment) I had a concussion a little over a year and a half ago, treated only after 4 days. But... But probably before that. /
Alexander: I'll look into it. Would you be willing to have some tests? X-ray, CT scan? MRI? (she nodded) Any pain, any discomfort in daily life?
Sam shook her head: Some headaches, but they're temporary. It's just... confusing.
Alexander: Okay. I'd say it's some kind of hippocampal bug. (He looked down at his file and frowned.) It would have started when your friend died, you think? (he looked up at her for an answer and saw that she had frozen) I mean it could be a symptom of your treatment. Maybe it will go away with the new one.
Sam: Hu. No, I've had similar moments before.
Alexander: Before ....?
Sam grinned: I'm sorry. I don't know exactly... But I don't remember it happening before I joined the SGC.
Alexander made a mute "Ho" and finally perked up: "strange"... Alien?
Sam shrugged: I prefer to anticipate, given my background.
Alexander stood up: Let's get those tests done, shall we?
Echo:
*more intensely / it intensified. / More intense. / it's intensifying?*
*That you trust me more. / Mutual trust. *
*What made you talk? / She talked all the time! / What did you tell her? / You talk too much! / Curiosity makes you talk. / I used to be far from talkative. / I guess if you're telling me about it*
*Oh?(x4)*
*or to parties / Those were our parties.*
*From university. / I went to medical school / You went to school here, I believe? / What did you do outside of school? - Any other classes?*
*I like to tinker with them. / I like to tinker. / I used to take apart / How I could fix them. / Fix the others. / To fix.*
*Where do you know her from? / Where does this passion come from?*
*But I should have become a doctor. / not that kind of doctor. / I'm the doctor here. *
*to understand how it worked. / To understand why and how it worked*
* I needed to... To… / I needed that. / I need that.*
*It's the result of trauma. / Trauma too. *
*With coffee? / Lots of coffee.*
* A poorly programmed vocation? / It was a poorly programmed vocation as well*
*we did political demonstrations and volunteered here and there. / I've taken on some volunteer hours at the center's clinic.*
*problem / “problem”?*
*She doesn't want to force you. / I don't force you to do anything.*
*I wasted your time with my session. / Time will tell?*
*strange / "strange"... Alien?*
*But probably before that. / I've had similar moments before. - Before ....? / before I joined the SGC. / I prefer to anticipate, given my background.*
.*There are risks to drinking too much coffee. - I also know the risks of not drinking enough..*
Notes:
*This paragraph opens with "I got your test results." and ends with "Let's get those tests done, shall we?"*
*Carter has at least two motorcycles, we see her tinkering with her Indian (collection) in 4x13 "The curse", and we see her arriving with a rather "sporty" motorcycle helmet in 708 "Space Race "*
*My video explaining the racism in Stargate on the character of Goa'uld Yu (source)*
*Article: the effects of coffee on the brain (source)*
Bonus:
*Click here*
Alexander: I got your test results. I'd like to start a new treatment if you still want it. This one won't mess you up, the old one had too much to do with hormones. You may experience withdrawal effects, depressive symptoms more intensely over the next few weeks. (He tilted his head) It's hard enough to find the right dosage and molecules usually, so...
Sam nodded: Thanks. (she hesitated) Isn't Dr. Williams coming?
Alexander shook his head: She thinks that... Hmm. That you trust me more. She doesn't want to force you.
Sam lowered her head: Sorry. I was rude to her. (she grimaced) Again.
Alexander smiled softly: She knows it's just a defense. She's seen it all before, don't worry. (She returned his smile, shy and still ashamed of her behavior.) She's training the other psychiatrists on the base today. There's even a new one. Dr. Hutchison, if you ever feel more comfortable with someone else. (Sam nodded, still uncomfortable) Can I give you a swab now, so it's done?
Sam nodded and watched as he busied himself with her sampling: Where do you know her from?
Alexander: From university. She used to help me. (He tilted his head and pulled himself together) Um, we helped each other. (She questioned him with her eyes) I was born in Vietnam. I was a political refugee when I was 10. (she swallowed) I remember I would have liked to have stayed there, but I was all alone. (she winced and bowed her head, remembering the loss of her mother when she was 13 and the pain it had caused her. Losing your family in wartime must have been horrible. He exclaimed) Hey! You want to know something funny about me?
Sam surprised at the change of tone: Hmm?
Alexander smiled: I have no idea what my name is! (she frowned) When I arrived, I was placed in an orphanage. I managed to get some of my file back. It turns out I didn't speak a word for two years. Not even Vietnamese. They diagnosed me as a mute. (He tilted his head and smiled.) So I had sign language lessons. Since I had no papers with me, they gave me a random identity.
She smiled nervously, wondering if it was really a "fun thing" or not, classifying it as PTSD instead.
Alexander wrote down information about the sample and whispered: That's how I ended up with an American first name and a last name common in Vietnam. (He smiled sarcastically.) Assimilation, all that. (He tilted his head.) Which didn't stop me from getting racist jokes about my name.
Sam winced slightly at his last thought and continued: What made you talk?
Alexander: Another Viet' kid at the orphanage. (she smiled and he chuckled) Yeah, big cliché, I was in love with her. (he exclaimed again) She talked all the time! She actually terrified me so I kept quiet. (he put a hand near her mouth, as if to tell her a secret) I used to be far from talkative. (she smiled and nodded) One day she said that if I refused to talk to her, she wouldn't be my friend anymore.
Sam looked at him, half amused, half saddened by the cruelty that children can have: What did you tell her?
Alexander exclaimed: "Bạn nói quá nhiều!" (she smiled slightly in advance) "You talk too much!" (she giggled, he smiled at her reaction and continued) I went to medical school in San Diego.
Sam, surprised: Oh? (he questioned her with his eyes) My brother lives there.
Alexander: Oh?
Sam: Yeah. He has two kids with his wife. A boy and a girl.
He nodded, waiting to see if she wanted to continue talking, but as there was a silence, he resumed his story.
Alexander: We met there with Bell (he smiles at the memory of those years) and we'd do the world together whenever we had time (she questioned him with her eyes) Oh. The others went to the beach or to parties, we did political demonstrations and volunteered here and there. (He smiled at her) Those were our parties.
Sam smiled politely: That must have been nice.
Alexander nodded a few times gently in nostalgia, then continued: You went to school here, I believe?
Sam nodded: Yeah. This is the only academy in the country.
Alexander: It's hard to get in, apparently.
Sam: Now much more so. (she tilted her head) It used to be okay.
Alexander: What did you do outside of school?
Sam: Any other classes? (he blows his nose and she tilts her head) I had taken a lot of options.
Alexander nodded: A hobby?
Sam: Motorcycles?
Alexander smiles: Oh?
Sam smiles: Yeah, I have two, a vintage and a sports one. I like to tinker with them. (she tilted her head and looked at him knowingly) I like to tinker.
Alexander amused: Where does this passion come from?
Sam smiled: A poorly programmed vocation? (he questioned her with his eyes and she quickly moved her hand towards him) Understand, I love my job. It gives me opportunities that I would never have had anywhere else and... (Alexander smiled politely) I think fighting for others is one of the reasons I'm here.
Alexander exclaimed: A warrior.
Sam returned his smile and said more softly: I love astronomy, for as long as I can remember, I've always dreamed of going into space, but I should have become a doctor. (he raised his eyebrows) Not really because I wanted to. (he frowned and she grimaced) You see these illogical shortcuts that children make when they discover life?
Alexander: Hmm?
Sam : I used to take apart every electronic device in the house to understand how it worked. I don't know why, it was something that made me feel better. (she insisted) To understand why and how it worked or the opposite. How I could fix them. (she hesitated) When my mother died, it intensified. (She moved her hand) I needed to... To...
Alexander: Fix the others.
Sam looked at him and nodded: Hmm. And it became... Pathological? (He questioned her with his eyes) So in addition to wanting to understand mechanics and chemistry, I wanted to know all about genetics, psychology, medicine, and other things that can potentially... fix themselves. (Emphasizing) I needed that. (In a whisper as he looked away) I need that.
Alexander nodded: To keep control.
Sam: Hm. (she grinned) It's ridiculous, I know.
Alexander shrugged: No. It's the result of trauma. I can understand. (He moved his hand toward her) I work with an organization in Vietnam that treats victims of Agent Orange.
Sam shook her head apologetically: My father was in the Vietnam War. He warned us at the time to watch our health and...
Alexander: Your children's.
Sam, uncomfortable: Yeah. If I was ever a carrier I think Jolinar cured me.
Alexander nodded and returned to the original topic: That's why I became a surgeon. Trauma too.
Sam, sympathetic: Sorry.
Alexander: It was a poorly programmed vocation as well. I wanted to go into genetics because of that but I felt it was impossible to... To fix. No funds, not the technology yet. (She nodded, sorry, and remembered his strange reactions on the subject when she had said she knew his name at the introductory briefing. He resumed more cheerfully) Any plans for this weekend?
Sam: Nothing yet.
Alexander: You must be thrilled. After this removal from active duty, being able to go out freely... (she smiles wryly, reminding him that it was partly because of him) If you're bored, I've taken on some volunteer hours at the center's clinic. You can come with me, there's no shortage of work.
Sam, surprised: Oh? (She straightened up nervously and wondered if he was hitting on her) Like I said, not that kind of doctor.
Alexander: My assistant? Only small superficial cuts, colds, that kind of thing (he insisted) Always under my supervision. I don't force you to do anything. Come if you want a change of scenery. I'll be there from 2 p.m. both days. (she nodded) Are you sleeping well right now? Do you need sleeping pills or tranquilizers?
Sam shook her head: I avoid it with my work. (he frowned and she tilted her head) Even if we are off duty, we can still be called back in an emergency.
Alexander considered this answer and nodded: How do you compensate?
Sam smiled slightly: With coffee? (he smiled, she insisted) Lots of coffee.
Alexander nodded several times: Be careful though. There are risks to drinking too much coffee.
Sam: I also know the risks of not drinking enough. (He chuckled and she perked up) Uh. I'm sorry I wasted your time with my session.
Alexander smiles: Not really. That was my third test. (she questioned him with her eyes, he smiled even more) Curiosity makes you talk. (she froze) Mutual trust. (she giggles and realized that she had just been tricked) Are you the type to hold a grudge?
Sam smiled ironically: Time will tell?
Alexander laughed and stood up: Well, come on. I'll let you go Colonel.
Sam, surprised: Oh. Uh. (he questioned her with his eyes and sat down slowly. She swallowed) I have a strange problem to tell you about.
Alexander: "Problem"?
Sam tilted her head: I've done some research, I know it's not specific, it's not diagnostic or prognostic on its own, my hypothesis to explain it would be an alteration in the functioning of my rhinal cortex area. Like a brain failure that-
Alexander widened his eyes more and more, then moved his hands in front of him again: Stop stop! I'm the doctor here.
Sam smiled: Sorry. I'm having deja vu. More intense. Paramnesia? (faster, so as not to get confused by his explanations) I'm reliving moments of my life.
Alexander retrieved his medical file from behind him and opened it: Okay. I guess if you're telling me about it, it's intensifying?
Sam nodded: Yes. (She saw him reading her file and remembered that he had been interested in this topic at a previous appointment) I had a concussion a little over a year and a half ago, treated only after 4 days. But... But probably before that. /
Alexander: I'll look into it. Would you be willing to have some tests? X-ray, CT scan? MRI? (she nodded) Any pain, any discomfort in daily life?
Sam shook her head: Some headaches, but they're temporary. It's just... confusing.
Alexander: Okay. I'd say it's some kind of hippocampal bug. (He looked down at his file and frowned.) It would have started when your friend died, you think? (he looked up at her for an answer and saw that she had frozen) I mean it could be a symptom of your treatment. Maybe it will go away with the new one.
Sam: Hu. No, I've had similar moments before.
Alexander: Before ....?
Sam grinned: I'm sorry. I don't know exactly... But I don't remember it happening before I joined the SGC.
Alexander made a mute "Ho" and finally perked up: "strange"... Alien?
Sam shrugged: I prefer to anticipate, given my background.
Alexander stood up: Let's get those tests done, shall we?
Echo:
*more intensely / it intensified. / More intense. / it's intensifying?*
*That you trust me more. / Mutual trust. *
*What made you talk? / She talked all the time! / What did you tell her? / You talk too much! / Curiosity makes you talk. / I used to be far from talkative. / I guess if you're telling me about it*
*Oh?(x4)*
*or to parties / Those were our parties.*
*From university. / I went to medical school / You went to school here, I believe? / What did you do outside of school? - Any other classes?*
*I like to tinker with them. / I like to tinker. / I used to take apart / How I could fix them. / Fix the others. / To fix.*
*Where do you know her from? / Where does this passion come from?*
*But I should have become a doctor. / not that kind of doctor. / I'm the doctor here. *
*to understand how it worked. / To understand why and how it worked*
* I needed to... To… / I needed that. / I need that.*
*It's the result of trauma. / Trauma too. *
*With coffee? / Lots of coffee.*
* A poorly programmed vocation? / It was a poorly programmed vocation as well*
*we did political demonstrations and volunteered here and there. / I've taken on some volunteer hours at the center's clinic.*
*problem / “problem”?*
*She doesn't want to force you. / I don't force you to do anything.*
*I wasted your time with my session. / Time will tell?*
*strange / "strange"... Alien?*
*But probably before that. / I've had similar moments before. - Before ....? / before I joined the SGC. / I prefer to anticipate, given my background.*
.*There are risks to drinking too much coffee. - I also know the risks of not drinking enough..*
Notes:
*This paragraph opens with "I got your test results." and ends with "Let's get those tests done, shall we?"*
*Carter has at least two motorcycles, we see her tinkering with her Indian (collection) in 4x13 "The curse", and we see her arriving with a rather "sporty" motorcycle helmet in 708 "Space Race "*
*My video explaining the racism in Stargate on the character of Goa'uld Yu (source)*
*Article: the effects of coffee on the brain (source)*
Bonus:
*Click here*
CW: *mention of kidnapping* *mention of human trafficking* *mention of death* *mention of touching* *mention of mourning* *infantilisation* *sexism*
Daniel walked into the lab: Are you okay?
Sam looked up: I'm okay. (He smiled shyly at her and she returned her focus to her reading of the database received from Atlantis. He took a few steps and looked around, which distracted her) What do you want, Daniel?
Daniel approached her: I just came to see how you were handling the fact that we were immobilized.
Sam was slightly reassured that he didn't know the reason: At least I have time to work on all this information. Did you see the quantity?
Daniel smiled at her: I'd rather be there than read them (he tilted his head). Maybe without the life-suckers.
Sam smiled briefly at him and resumed her search: Is Teal'c around?
Daniel: On Dakara. (she nodded without lifting her head from her computer. He leaned over to put his forearms on the desk. She felt his gaze on her, so she took a deep breath and smiled to ask him what he really wanted) I read a book.
Sam refocused on her work: A book? That's new.
Daniel perceived her cynicism but continued: On feminism. (she held back a laugh) Very interesting. It's in the library if you want.
Sam wrote something down on her computer: I'll pass, thanks. (she plunged her interest back into her reading) You came to talk to me about my condition as a woman?
Daniel smiled nervously and readjusted his glasses: Not especially. Unless you want to tell me about it...
She took her pen and wrote down some notes. He turned around the table, sat down in front of her, looked at her and turned on his stool, several times.
Sam exhaled nervously: Daniel. I'm working. So... (she looked at the door for a moment) If you could just-
Daniel: How do you keep from being exhausted? (She questioned him with her eyes) Keeping your emotions in check every day because of your job, it must be exhausting.
Sam frowned: What exactly are you talking about?
Daniel shook his arms limply: Of all you! You are always in control of everything. You never have any fun.
Sam tilted her head to contradict him: Daniel.
Daniel: Work is not fun. That's why it's called "work".
Sam, suspicious that he's suddenly going all Jack O'Neill: Another bet?
Daniel frowned: Sam, please. I'm trying to talk to you seriously.
Sam took a jaded tone and reopened another file in the database: We just got back from vacation.
Daniel enthusiastic: Yes! Yes! And it was very good too. (she gritted her teeth and he was careful about her choice of words) I'm worried about you.
Sam, uncomfortable: I know. (she insisted) I'm fine. (she pulled herself together) I think I told you I didn't want to talk about it... (the man remained silent, trying to find a way to get her to accept his help. The problem was that she hated knowing that someone was worried about her, it reminded her of her vulnerability. And the fact that he was acting like O'Neill and not respecting the fact that she didn't need their help pissed her off) Okay. (she straightened up and stared at him) "Feminism," huh?
Daniel apprehended: Uh huh...
Sam: The Shavadai. I told you I didn't want to stay, but no. You wanted me to put on this outfit so badly, I was kidnapped and sold. (he grimaced) I had to fight to the death while these men watched! The show was fun? (he opened his mouth to speak but-) All this to prove to men that women are equal to them when it's not our own world and not our culture. Thank you, I'm already doing enough of that here.
Daniel grinned: Yeah, I'm well aware of th-
Sam exclaimed: What an incredible opportunity to study an ancient culture up close! (she gave him a dirty look and he regretted bringing it up) At least I knew where I stood with you from the first month. Oh. (she pointed a finger in the air) My first briefing. Kawalsky and Ferretti joking about my naked body.
Daniel froze: What?
Sam moved her arms briskly: And O'Neill, let's not talk about it! Between fighting to be heard, the infantilizing gestures... (she grunted) Raaaah!!!
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath to calm herself. He wanted to speak, but she raised her finger to warn him that if he said anything else, it would be too hot for his number.
Sam opened her eyes and stared at him: Now I've told you several times that I don't want to talk to you about this, (she insisted firmly) Daniel.
He closed his eyes to take in all of her information and was definitely angry that he had forced her to bring up the subject again. She put her head in her hands, leaning against the center table and blamed herself for talking to him like that. Her anger at the moment was disturbing her, she searched for the cause -in addition to its treatment- and the image of her father crossed her mind. She repeated several times in her head "I'm fine, I'm just grieving, I'm fine, I'm just-"
Daniel, shyly after several seconds of silence: I'm sorry (he waited a few more seconds but she remained silent. He thought he could make a proper apology). That was... totally inappropriate. And I hope that in the future, if I do that kind of thinking again, you'll make sure to punch me in the face.
She raised her head towards him, surprised by the unusual violence of these words in his mouth.
Daniel ventured, gently: Maybe you should talk to someone about it too? (she looked away, uncomfortably) And as for the rest...I can only tell you that... that everything's gonna be fine.
Sam shook her head and said firmly: No.
Daniel insisted with a reassuring smile: Sam-
Sam gritted her teeth: No, everything is not going to be fine (she raised a hand to him) and don't make promises you can't keep. (he questioned her with his eyes) You don't understand. (her breathing quickened and she continued even more harshly) You came to see Teal'c and General O'Neill when you Ascended. (she insisted) Not me.
Daniel looked away: I... I know. I read their reports.
Sam insisted again as he didn't seem to understand: You told them everything would be fine. (her voice began to break) Not to me. (he swallowed and she went back to work) Now get out of my lab.
Echo:
*Are you okay? / I'm okay*
*You came to talk to me about / I'm trying to talk to you seriously. / What exactly are you talking about? / let's not talk about it! / I think I told you I didn't want to talk about it / I don't want to talk to you about this / Maybe you should talk to someone about it too? *
*I'm working. / Work is not fun. That's why it's called "work". / The show was fun?*
*On feminism. / "Feminism," huh?*
*I read a book. - A book?*
*that everything's gonna be fine / No, everything is not going to be fine / You told them everything would be fine*
Notes:
*this paragraph starts with Daniel coming home and asking her "Are you okay? Are you okay?" and ends with her saying "You told them everything would be fine. (her voice began to break) Not to me." and Sam asking him to leave*
*When she asks Jack what Daniel said to her when he ascended, she has a strange reaction in chapter 5. As a reminder:
Sam: What did Daniel tell you when he ascended?
Jack looked at her: Hmm?
Sam shrugged: What? Nothing special?
Jack shrugged too: Nothing.
Sam: You know you're a bad liar?
Jack, sarcastically: That's right, I forget you're a specialist.
Sam: What?
He remained silent but she insisted on an answer. He swallowed and they stared at each other in silence.
Jack moistened his lips in nervousness and looked away: Okay okay. He told me that everything's gonna be fine, and I had to trust him on this. (she stared at him, then nodded, forcing herself to smile, then looked away. He frowned at her reaction) What?
Sam shook her head: Nothing.
He stared at her. Another lie, he thought. *
*In SG1 4x14 The serpent's venom, Sam and Daniel are looking at a space mine, there is room for Jack to look too, but he decides to place himself on Sam (chronologically, remember that she made it clear that she wanted their relationship to remain professional)*
*In SG1 1x18 Tin Man, Sam is subjected to a sexist sentence and Jack answers her "easy, Captain", it's the same thing as "Calm down" and... It's just as sexist*
*This paragraph serves to highlight the sexism that Sam has been subjected to during SG-1 from season 1 to 8, and thus bring you to reflect on the societal questions stated in my fanfic which are based on our reality; but also to highlight that Sam has a basis of feminism given her reactions, and tends to contain them given her colleagues*
Daniel walked into the lab: Are you okay?
Sam looked up: I'm okay. (He smiled shyly at her and she returned her focus to her reading of the database received from Atlantis. He took a few steps and looked around, which distracted her) What do you want, Daniel?
Daniel approached her: I just came to see how you were handling the fact that we were immobilized.
Sam was slightly reassured that he didn't know the reason: At least I have time to work on all this information. Did you see the quantity?
Daniel smiled at her: I'd rather be there than read them (he tilted his head). Maybe without the life-suckers.
Sam smiled briefly at him and resumed her search: Is Teal'c around?
Daniel: On Dakara. (she nodded without lifting her head from her computer. He leaned over to put his forearms on the desk. She felt his gaze on her, so she took a deep breath and smiled to ask him what he really wanted) I read a book.
Sam refocused on her work: A book? That's new.
Daniel perceived her cynicism but continued: On feminism. (she held back a laugh) Very interesting. It's in the library if you want.
Sam wrote something down on her computer: I'll pass, thanks. (she plunged her interest back into her reading) You came to talk to me about my condition as a woman?
Daniel smiled nervously and readjusted his glasses: Not especially. Unless you want to tell me about it...
She took her pen and wrote down some notes. He turned around the table, sat down in front of her, looked at her and turned on his stool, several times.
Sam exhaled nervously: Daniel. I'm working. So... (she looked at the door for a moment) If you could just-
Daniel: How do you keep from being exhausted? (She questioned him with her eyes) Keeping your emotions in check every day because of your job, it must be exhausting.
Sam frowned: What exactly are you talking about?
Daniel shook his arms limply: Of all you! You are always in control of everything. You never have any fun.
Sam tilted her head to contradict him: Daniel.
Daniel: Work is not fun. That's why it's called "work".
Sam, suspicious that he's suddenly going all Jack O'Neill: Another bet?
Daniel frowned: Sam, please. I'm trying to talk to you seriously.
Sam took a jaded tone and reopened another file in the database: We just got back from vacation.
Daniel enthusiastic: Yes! Yes! And it was very good too. (she gritted her teeth and he was careful about her choice of words) I'm worried about you.
Sam, uncomfortable: I know. (she insisted) I'm fine. (she pulled herself together) I think I told you I didn't want to talk about it... (the man remained silent, trying to find a way to get her to accept his help. The problem was that she hated knowing that someone was worried about her, it reminded her of her vulnerability. And the fact that he was acting like O'Neill and not respecting the fact that she didn't need their help pissed her off) Okay. (she straightened up and stared at him) "Feminism," huh?
Daniel apprehended: Uh huh...
Sam: The Shavadai. I told you I didn't want to stay, but no. You wanted me to put on this outfit so badly, I was kidnapped and sold. (he grimaced) I had to fight to the death while these men watched! The show was fun? (he opened his mouth to speak but-) All this to prove to men that women are equal to them when it's not our own world and not our culture. Thank you, I'm already doing enough of that here.
Daniel grinned: Yeah, I'm well aware of th-
Sam exclaimed: What an incredible opportunity to study an ancient culture up close! (she gave him a dirty look and he regretted bringing it up) At least I knew where I stood with you from the first month. Oh. (she pointed a finger in the air) My first briefing. Kawalsky and Ferretti joking about my naked body.
Daniel froze: What?
Sam moved her arms briskly: And O'Neill, let's not talk about it! Between fighting to be heard, the infantilizing gestures... (she grunted) Raaaah!!!
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath to calm herself. He wanted to speak, but she raised her finger to warn him that if he said anything else, it would be too hot for his number.
Sam opened her eyes and stared at him: Now I've told you several times that I don't want to talk to you about this, (she insisted firmly) Daniel.
He closed his eyes to take in all of her information and was definitely angry that he had forced her to bring up the subject again. She put her head in her hands, leaning against the center table and blamed herself for talking to him like that. Her anger at the moment was disturbing her, she searched for the cause -in addition to its treatment- and the image of her father crossed her mind. She repeated several times in her head "I'm fine, I'm just grieving, I'm fine, I'm just-"
Daniel, shyly after several seconds of silence: I'm sorry (he waited a few more seconds but she remained silent. He thought he could make a proper apology). That was... totally inappropriate. And I hope that in the future, if I do that kind of thinking again, you'll make sure to punch me in the face.
She raised her head towards him, surprised by the unusual violence of these words in his mouth.
Daniel ventured, gently: Maybe you should talk to someone about it too? (she looked away, uncomfortably) And as for the rest...I can only tell you that... that everything's gonna be fine.
Sam shook her head and said firmly: No.
Daniel insisted with a reassuring smile: Sam-
Sam gritted her teeth: No, everything is not going to be fine (she raised a hand to him) and don't make promises you can't keep. (he questioned her with his eyes) You don't understand. (her breathing quickened and she continued even more harshly) You came to see Teal'c and General O'Neill when you Ascended. (she insisted) Not me.
Daniel looked away: I... I know. I read their reports.
Sam insisted again as he didn't seem to understand: You told them everything would be fine. (her voice began to break) Not to me. (he swallowed and she went back to work) Now get out of my lab.
Echo:
*Are you okay? / I'm okay*
*You came to talk to me about / I'm trying to talk to you seriously. / What exactly are you talking about? / let's not talk about it! / I think I told you I didn't want to talk about it / I don't want to talk to you about this / Maybe you should talk to someone about it too? *
*I'm working. / Work is not fun. That's why it's called "work". / The show was fun?*
*On feminism. / "Feminism," huh?*
*I read a book. - A book?*
*that everything's gonna be fine / No, everything is not going to be fine / You told them everything would be fine*
Notes:
*this paragraph starts with Daniel coming home and asking her "Are you okay? Are you okay?" and ends with her saying "You told them everything would be fine. (her voice began to break) Not to me." and Sam asking him to leave*
*When she asks Jack what Daniel said to her when he ascended, she has a strange reaction in chapter 5. As a reminder:
Sam: What did Daniel tell you when he ascended?
Jack looked at her: Hmm?
Sam shrugged: What? Nothing special?
Jack shrugged too: Nothing.
Sam: You know you're a bad liar?
Jack, sarcastically: That's right, I forget you're a specialist.
Sam: What?
He remained silent but she insisted on an answer. He swallowed and they stared at each other in silence.
Jack moistened his lips in nervousness and looked away: Okay okay. He told me that everything's gonna be fine, and I had to trust him on this. (she stared at him, then nodded, forcing herself to smile, then looked away. He frowned at her reaction) What?
Sam shook her head: Nothing.
He stared at her. Another lie, he thought. *
*In SG1 4x14 The serpent's venom, Sam and Daniel are looking at a space mine, there is room for Jack to look too, but he decides to place himself on Sam (chronologically, remember that she made it clear that she wanted their relationship to remain professional)*
*In SG1 1x18 Tin Man, Sam is subjected to a sexist sentence and Jack answers her "easy, Captain", it's the same thing as "Calm down" and... It's just as sexist*
*This paragraph serves to highlight the sexism that Sam has been subjected to during SG-1 from season 1 to 8, and thus bring you to reflect on the societal questions stated in my fanfic which are based on our reality; but also to highlight that Sam has a basis of feminism given her reactions, and tends to contain them given her colleagues*
The archaeologist wandered through the corridors, confused by this conversation.
Bell passed him and walked towards him: Doctor Jackson. I was just looking for you- (his face decomposed in front of the man's inert expression) Doctor Jackson?
Daniel emerged and put his glasses back on his nose: Hm? Yes, yes. Sorry. You were saying?
Bell: I've been reading some mission reports and I'd like to get some eurrrrrh... explanations?
Daniel frowned: "Explanations"?
Bell grinned: I... I was wondering if you would be available for a consultation?
Daniel: "A consultation"? (she stared at him and he shook his head to compose himself) Sorry. Yes of course, when?
Bell smiles shyly: Now?
Echo:
*Doctor Jackson(x2)*
*Explanations? - "Explanations"?*
*Sorry(x2)*
Bell passed him and walked towards him: Doctor Jackson. I was just looking for you- (his face decomposed in front of the man's inert expression) Doctor Jackson?
Daniel emerged and put his glasses back on his nose: Hm? Yes, yes. Sorry. You were saying?
Bell: I've been reading some mission reports and I'd like to get some eurrrrrh... explanations?
Daniel frowned: "Explanations"?
Bell grinned: I... I was wondering if you would be available for a consultation?
Daniel: "A consultation"? (she stared at him and he shook his head to compose himself) Sorry. Yes of course, when?
Bell smiles shyly: Now?
Echo:
*Doctor Jackson(x2)*
*Explanations? - "Explanations"?*
*Sorry(x2)*
CW: *Class discrimination*
In civilian clothes, Sam smiled at the guard in front of his monitors, swiped her pass to call the elevator that led outside, and waited with her hands in the pockets of her sweatshirt. A few seconds later, she heard two people laughing in the hallways behind her and turned slightly, curious. Anang and a new sergeant in the program were dressed in military fatigues, green pants and black tops. Anang had an extra long green blouse on her back, and a civilian badge around her neck to identify her.
Dusty stood at attention in front of Sam: Colonel.
Sam, hands still in her sweatshirt, smiled politely: At ease Sergeant Mehra (she lost her smile slightly, uncomfortable) Mrs. Medweganoonind.
Anang imitated Sam's serious tone and straightened slightly: Colonel (she smiled at Dusty and relaxed her posture) Deal?
Dusty rolled her eyes and started to walk away: Have a good weekend. (nodding towards Sam) Colonel.
Sam: Thanks. You too, Sergeant.
Anang waited next to her and Sam rested her eyes on the elevator. God, at this hour, it was the change of services, she thought, this was taking an awfully long time. A silence fell and as usual, she felt compelled to fill in the blanks.
Sam: You're making friends fast.
Anang smiled: Enemies even faster. (Sam's face broke down, she questioned him with her eyes but Anang dodged her implicit question) Do you know her?
Sam shook her head slightly: We've met at a few training sessions.
Anang nodded and looked back at the elevator: I think it's pretty important to make friends with people of the same gender as us. Especially in places like this.
Sam septic: The Army?
Anang: Yeah? (Sam thought about what Bell had said about the percentage of women, especially non-white women, and nodded. She looked away, again uncomfortable. Anang moved her hand) I mean, it's a big secret to carry. It's cool to be able to share it with people who understand it and live it every day.
Sam smiled nervously and nodded. She tried to quickly find another topic of conversation so as not to be overwhelmed by the memory of Janet.
Sam pointed to her outfit with a shake of her head: For someone who doesn't like the Army...
Anang took a falsely ironic tone: Camouflage.
Sam smiled wryly in return and repeated Jolinar's words: The better you understand the enemy the better prepared you are in conflict
Anang, not very interested in this conversation: Yeah. (there was silence for several seconds) I need some more blank files.
Sam made a silent "Ha.": Have you thought about a laptop? (she moved her hand) The administration can lend you one.
Anang looked at her: I don't know how to use a computer. (Sam raised her eyebrows in surprise. Anang held back from rolling her eyes) Not everyone is lucky enough to have access.
Sam froze: Oh. (lower, uncomfortable) Sorry. Are you going home?
Anang septic: Where do you want me to go? In a motel so that my entire paycheck goes there?
Sam raised her eyebrows: Are you sleeping at the base?
Anang gestured behind her back: In the dormitory. (Sam remembered when she was only a captain and didn't have a quarters yet) There are worse places.
Sam remembered her discomfort on the base cameras: You haven't surfaced since you arrived?
Anang put her hands in her pockets: Oh yes, I have. To smoke. (Sam gave a silent "Ha" and repositioned herself to face the elevator. Anang tilted her head) And to get my fill of outdoor activity. (Sam questioned her with her eyes) Jogging.
Sam nodded and smiled politely. She rested her gaze on the elevator doors, thought for a moment and the possibility of being left alone to brood tonight at home was not an option.
Sam: Night on the town? I'll cab you. (she gestured uncertainly) You are welcome on my couch tonight if you don't miss the dorm.
Anang surprised: Oh. Uh, I don't want to bother you.
Sam shook her head: A little company would be nice.
Anang considered the proposal: Yeah, why not? (Sam smiled politely and Anang raised her hands to her enthusiastically) I'm going to change and get some stuff.
The elevator finally opened.
Sam nodded and stepped into the elevator: I'll wait for you in the parking lot.
Echo:
*You're making friends fast. - Enemies even faster. / to make friends / the enemy*
*The Army? / who doesn't like the Army..*
*with people of the same gender as us. / with people who*
*who understand it and live it every day. / The better you understand*
*In the dormitory. / if you don't miss the dorm.*
*In a previous paragraph, "so her program should include sports and outdoor activities "/ And to get my fill of outdoor activity.*
Notes:
*Video testimony from a native on the importance of reconnection (source)*
In civilian clothes, Sam smiled at the guard in front of his monitors, swiped her pass to call the elevator that led outside, and waited with her hands in the pockets of her sweatshirt. A few seconds later, she heard two people laughing in the hallways behind her and turned slightly, curious. Anang and a new sergeant in the program were dressed in military fatigues, green pants and black tops. Anang had an extra long green blouse on her back, and a civilian badge around her neck to identify her.
Dusty stood at attention in front of Sam: Colonel.
Sam, hands still in her sweatshirt, smiled politely: At ease Sergeant Mehra (she lost her smile slightly, uncomfortable) Mrs. Medweganoonind.
Anang imitated Sam's serious tone and straightened slightly: Colonel (she smiled at Dusty and relaxed her posture) Deal?
Dusty rolled her eyes and started to walk away: Have a good weekend. (nodding towards Sam) Colonel.
Sam: Thanks. You too, Sergeant.
Anang waited next to her and Sam rested her eyes on the elevator. God, at this hour, it was the change of services, she thought, this was taking an awfully long time. A silence fell and as usual, she felt compelled to fill in the blanks.
Sam: You're making friends fast.
Anang smiled: Enemies even faster. (Sam's face broke down, she questioned him with her eyes but Anang dodged her implicit question) Do you know her?
Sam shook her head slightly: We've met at a few training sessions.
Anang nodded and looked back at the elevator: I think it's pretty important to make friends with people of the same gender as us. Especially in places like this.
Sam septic: The Army?
Anang: Yeah? (Sam thought about what Bell had said about the percentage of women, especially non-white women, and nodded. She looked away, again uncomfortable. Anang moved her hand) I mean, it's a big secret to carry. It's cool to be able to share it with people who understand it and live it every day.
Sam smiled nervously and nodded. She tried to quickly find another topic of conversation so as not to be overwhelmed by the memory of Janet.
Sam pointed to her outfit with a shake of her head: For someone who doesn't like the Army...
Anang took a falsely ironic tone: Camouflage.
Sam smiled wryly in return and repeated Jolinar's words: The better you understand the enemy the better prepared you are in conflict
Anang, not very interested in this conversation: Yeah. (there was silence for several seconds) I need some more blank files.
Sam made a silent "Ha.": Have you thought about a laptop? (she moved her hand) The administration can lend you one.
Anang looked at her: I don't know how to use a computer. (Sam raised her eyebrows in surprise. Anang held back from rolling her eyes) Not everyone is lucky enough to have access.
Sam froze: Oh. (lower, uncomfortable) Sorry. Are you going home?
Anang septic: Where do you want me to go? In a motel so that my entire paycheck goes there?
Sam raised her eyebrows: Are you sleeping at the base?
Anang gestured behind her back: In the dormitory. (Sam remembered when she was only a captain and didn't have a quarters yet) There are worse places.
Sam remembered her discomfort on the base cameras: You haven't surfaced since you arrived?
Anang put her hands in her pockets: Oh yes, I have. To smoke. (Sam gave a silent "Ha" and repositioned herself to face the elevator. Anang tilted her head) And to get my fill of outdoor activity. (Sam questioned her with her eyes) Jogging.
Sam nodded and smiled politely. She rested her gaze on the elevator doors, thought for a moment and the possibility of being left alone to brood tonight at home was not an option.
Sam: Night on the town? I'll cab you. (she gestured uncertainly) You are welcome on my couch tonight if you don't miss the dorm.
Anang surprised: Oh. Uh, I don't want to bother you.
Sam shook her head: A little company would be nice.
Anang considered the proposal: Yeah, why not? (Sam smiled politely and Anang raised her hands to her enthusiastically) I'm going to change and get some stuff.
The elevator finally opened.
Sam nodded and stepped into the elevator: I'll wait for you in the parking lot.
Echo:
*You're making friends fast. - Enemies even faster. / to make friends / the enemy*
*The Army? / who doesn't like the Army..*
*with people of the same gender as us. / with people who*
*who understand it and live it every day. / The better you understand*
*In the dormitory. / if you don't miss the dorm.*
*In a previous paragraph, "so her program should include sports and outdoor activities "/ And to get my fill of outdoor activity.*
Notes:
*Video testimony from a native on the importance of reconnection (source)*
CW: *internalized sexism* *sexism* *slutshaming*
She waited, leaning against her gray Volvo P1800 and wondering if this was a good idea, but the thought of being home alone terrified her. Besides, she had to get out of Jack's head and think about their relationship. Hearing people laughing a little further away, she looked up and saw Anang in the middle of a discussion with him. She froze when she realized he was carrying her bag for her. She scanned the clothes of the young woman: a black jacket opened on a flaming red dress a little too short and too showy for her taste, and her faithful brown rangers. She swallowed and clenched her teeth while discerning Jack smiling again at a sentence of the young woman.
Jack: The complete collection.
Anang: Fan, then?
Jack: Big fan. (They smiled at each other and then he nodded toward Sam) Carter.
Sam straightened up to resume a professional posture: General.
Jack handed the bag to Anang with a "special Jack" smile: Miss.
Anang tilted her head and bowed to her: Young man. (Both of them smiled at what seemed to be a private joke, which further irritated Sam. Anang turned to her) Ready!
Sam hid her cynicism behind a polite smile, opened the back door of the car and reached for the bag.
Anang handed it to her and looked at Jack: Will you join us?
Sam froze but was brought back to reality when the young woman dropped her bag. She toppled forward and they turned their heads sharply toward her to see what was happening. The soldier swallowed her saliva and acted as if she was surprised by the weight of the bag. They looked at each other in disbelief at her crude lie.
Jack pulled his car keys out of his pocket: I have another program tonight (he smiled politely) but thank you. Have fun.
Anang: Match and beer?
God, but she kept going, Sam swore inwardly.
Jack smiled: So predictable?
Anang smiled and walked around the car: Have a nice evening.
Jack: You too. (He glanced at Sam) Colonel.
Sam closed the door after settling in: Sir.
Echo:
*fan / Big fan*
Notes:
*Sam's jealousy is consistent given her behaviors with Kerry. She directly questions Jack about who she is as if he has no right to be with another woman (+ the fact that he wasn't together and she was with someone) and makes her doubt her marriage. So I've been working on the patterns of jealous people to stay consistent, how that is destructive, and how to change those patterns. I find that this is a theme not often addressed in the fanfics I've read*
*Article: The meaning of Ms, according to you (source)*
*In 8x19, Jack calls Kerry "MISS Johnson"*
*Article: Don’t Measure A Woman’s Worth By Her Clothes (source)*
*Information about Slut-shaming (source)*
*Information about Internalized sexism (source)*
She waited, leaning against her gray Volvo P1800 and wondering if this was a good idea, but the thought of being home alone terrified her. Besides, she had to get out of Jack's head and think about their relationship. Hearing people laughing a little further away, she looked up and saw Anang in the middle of a discussion with him. She froze when she realized he was carrying her bag for her. She scanned the clothes of the young woman: a black jacket opened on a flaming red dress a little too short and too showy for her taste, and her faithful brown rangers. She swallowed and clenched her teeth while discerning Jack smiling again at a sentence of the young woman.
Jack: The complete collection.
Anang: Fan, then?
Jack: Big fan. (They smiled at each other and then he nodded toward Sam) Carter.
Sam straightened up to resume a professional posture: General.
Jack handed the bag to Anang with a "special Jack" smile: Miss.
Anang tilted her head and bowed to her: Young man. (Both of them smiled at what seemed to be a private joke, which further irritated Sam. Anang turned to her) Ready!
Sam hid her cynicism behind a polite smile, opened the back door of the car and reached for the bag.
Anang handed it to her and looked at Jack: Will you join us?
Sam froze but was brought back to reality when the young woman dropped her bag. She toppled forward and they turned their heads sharply toward her to see what was happening. The soldier swallowed her saliva and acted as if she was surprised by the weight of the bag. They looked at each other in disbelief at her crude lie.
Jack pulled his car keys out of his pocket: I have another program tonight (he smiled politely) but thank you. Have fun.
Anang: Match and beer?
God, but she kept going, Sam swore inwardly.
Jack smiled: So predictable?
Anang smiled and walked around the car: Have a nice evening.
Jack: You too. (He glanced at Sam) Colonel.
Sam closed the door after settling in: Sir.
Echo:
*fan / Big fan*
Notes:
*Sam's jealousy is consistent given her behaviors with Kerry. She directly questions Jack about who she is as if he has no right to be with another woman (+ the fact that he wasn't together and she was with someone) and makes her doubt her marriage. So I've been working on the patterns of jealous people to stay consistent, how that is destructive, and how to change those patterns. I find that this is a theme not often addressed in the fanfics I've read*
*Article: The meaning of Ms, according to you (source)*
*In 8x19, Jack calls Kerry "MISS Johnson"*
*Article: Don’t Measure A Woman’s Worth By Her Clothes (source)*
*Information about Slut-shaming (source)*
*Information about Internalized sexism (source)*
CW: *mention of war* *racism* *colonization* *cultural appropriation* *erasure of a civilization by its invisibilization* *mention of massacre* *lgbtqphobia*
Once out of the tunnel, the vehicle's radio picked up the airwaves to broadcast the news.
RADIO: Australia has just announced the redeployment of its special forces to Afghanistan...
Sam hurried down the road past security: A drink?
Anang nodded: I'll follow you.
RADIO: ...Recall that Australia withdrew its troops in December 2002 and the United States had-
Sam turned off the radio and Anang looked confused.
Anang raised her eyebrows: You know it's a privileged thing to be able to just push a button to make problems go away?
Sam gritted her teeth and turned on a cross: I turn it off because it reminds me that I'm privileged not to be there.
Anang’s eyes widened: Uh. I'm sorry. I didn't think of that.
Sam tried to lighten the mood: Sorry. It's just that the conflicts on Earth make me want to scream.
Anang nodded: Yeah, it must be strange for you.
Sam: Hmm.
Anang sensed the driver's tension and thought of a solution: Isn't that an astronaut thing?
Sam: What thing?
Anang: The overview effect?
Sam, surprised that she knows that term: Oh. (she pulls herself together and thinks) Maybe. I never thought of that.
Anang pulled her phone out of her pocket and frowned: Have you lived here long?
Sam: Several years now. (she tilted her head) I lived in Memphis as a child. I also went to school in Washington.
Anang rested her phone on her lap: Oh. City girl?
Sam: Hmm. No. (Anang questioned her with her eyes. Sam tilted her head again) We were in the suburbs of Memphis, in a small village. A house with a big garden.
Anang nodded and waited for the next part, but that seemed to be the end of his story: How do you like the city?
Sam turned the wheel, focused on the road: Hmm. Uh, I don't get much time outside of work.
Anang looked out the window: Hmm.
Silence.
Sam, more comfortable driving down the main street now: The first thing I did when I arrived was to go see the historical sites about Nikola Tesla. He had set up a laboratory here for his research on alternating current.
Anang: Oh. Cool.
Sam raised her eyebrows slightly and wondered if her answer was ironic, being used to being mocked for her interest in science.
Anang: I don't know anyone here. (Sam questioned her with her eyes, skeptical of this obvious reflection since she was new. Anang guessed her reasoning and insisted) This is not one of our territories.
Sam frowned slightly before realizing that she was talking about her ethnicity: Oh. (she made the connection with the SGC mountain) Cheyenne.
Anang nodded: Apaches, Arapahos and Utes too. (Sam raised her eyebrows at the memory of the name of the motel a week ago in the name of "Ute motel" and Anang moved her hand) Do you know "triboluminescence"?
Sam was surprised by this change of subject and smiled: Quarks are a great passion of mine.
Anang returned her smile: It was the Utes who made this discovery.
Sam, surprised: Oh?
Anang: They used to collect crystals from the local rivers and make rattles out of them, and when they shook them, the crystals produced flashes of light.
Sam raised her eyebrows: Oh. Cool.
Anang smiled wryly and looked out her window: But you don't learn that from your books.
Sam swallowed and there was silence.
Sam nervously moved her hand on her steering wheel: Sorry. It's kind of a joke. (Anang frowned and questioned her with her eyes. Sam winced and insisted) Quarks are my passion. (Anang looked at her in disbelief. Sam tilted her head and definitely promised herself to concentrate more on her thoughts about Science with the others) Quartz... (lowered) Quarks…
Anang looked back at the city and shook her head, stunned that she was making jokes when she was trying to implicitly explain something important to her.
Anang moved her hand nervously: And you named an Army helicopter “Apache”.
Sam nodded uncomfortably: AH 64. (Anang looked at her and Sam tilted her head) AH 56 is called "Cheyenne" too.
She didn't dare tell her that her bike was an Indian Chief 80.
Anang smiled wryly and then looked out the window: And your sports team mascots.
Sam glanced at her and saw that she was clenching a fist. She winced as she finally understood that the young woman was trying to explain something that was important to her. She recognized herself in this with her scientific side that no one understood.
Sam: I read a book that made a connection between Quarks and socio-political issues. (Anang turned her head towards her) "Constructing Quarks" by Andrew Pickering.
Anang: And?
Sam nodded: And... I understand some things even though I don't go out very often. (Anang nodded) You know Mary Golda Ross?
Anang: No?
Sam: She worked on the RM-81 Agena rocket for the Air Force. She's a mathematician and engineer. Cherokee.
Anang raised her eyebrows in surprise: Did you learn that in your books?
Sam grimaced: Um no. (she tilted her head) A colleague is from this people.
Anang nodded: Is she at the SGC?
Sam shook her head: She was in Antarctica where we discovered the second gate a few years ago. (Anang nodded. Sam remembered something) Oh. When I was a child I visited a tribe (Anang questioned her with her eyes) on the Queen Charlotte Islands.
Anang corrected her: Haida Gwaii. (Sam questioned her with her eyes. Anang took a deep breath and moved her hand) That's what Haida people call their islands. (She looked out the window and added more quietly) They refuse the colonial name.
Sam gave a silent "Ha.", uncomfortable that her plan to lighten the mood and find something to discuss together had failed.
Anang looked at her phone again and frowned: You know the family's research institute?
Sam: Yeah. They're here. (she grimaced and Anang put her phone down) I know that their researchers and scientists work hand in hand with the state and Congress, but...(she hesitated for a few seconds, getting nervous) I have to say I don't agree with their research at all.
Anang scanned Sam's face and added calmly: The Advocate just rated him Public Enemy #2 this year.
Sam: "The Advocate"?
Anang: An LGBT magazine.
Sam gave another "Ha mute" and pulled into a parking lot: Paul Cameron is known for his stance on this, yes. (She parked the car and took off her seatbelt) They contacted me when I was still at the Academy.
Anang unbuckled her belt, half-curious, half-fearful: Ha?
Sam got out of the car: Hmm. Like many. (She closed the car and added more quietly) I got a lot of awards for excellence. (she almost mumbled) I had my picture in the city newspaper regularly.
Anang giggles: Already famous!
Sam pointed to the bar and began to walk: So why tell me?
Anang walked beside her: You're into Nikola Tesla stuff, and I'm into... well, let's just say I like to know what city I'm in.
Echo:
* You know it's a privileged thing / I'm privileged not to be there.*
*City girl? / How do you like the city? / in the city newspaper / I like to know what city*
*Oh. Cool.(x2)*
*Quarks are a great passion of mine. / Quarks are my passion. *
*They used to collect crystals / the crystals produced / quartz*
*research*
*I didn't think of that. / I never thought of that.*
*An astronaut thing? - What thing?*
*Public Enemy #2 (with the previous paragraph “enemy”)*
*Nikola Tesla*
*But you don't learn that from your books. / Did you learn that in your books? / I read a book*
Notes:
*Article on the bombing of an LGBTQ+ club in Colorado Springs (source)*
*Article: Almost 50% of far-right protests in the US are now anti-LGBT+ protests. In 2020, that rate was less than 5% (source) (source)*
*Beware, Carter is not "famous" at the time of my fanfic (2005), I remain consistent with the saga. In the saga, she was on TV and gave lectures at the Air Force Academy. Later, she gives product presentations (notably "chimera") and even later in Stargate Atlantis, we see her picture in a newspaper (we'll come back to this when we'll get the chronology right). This journalist/conference/"famous" storyline is therefore realistic compared to the saga*
*I open a writing game here about quarks and this chapter. You can find the quark strange, the strange quarks, with the sentence of Anang: "Yeah, it must be strange for you.” You can find here Jack's crossword(click) with the definition of quarks, and with the video montage you understand the writing game of repetition in the episode with Jack's sentence "You know, we've searched this place, up and down". Soon after in the same scene of the episode, Carter says "I'm getting some strange readings coming from here"*
*One of Sam's bikes is this one (source)*
*Video: Colonization of place names (source)*
*Information about the overview effect (source)*
*Objective of the Right to Information Act (source)*
*Information about Wardenclyffe Tower (source)*
*Map showing the different territories of indigenous peoples (source)*
*Information about Cheyenne Mountain (source)*
*Information about Apaches (source)*
*Information about Arapahos (source)*
*Information about Utes (source)*
*Information about triboluminescence (source)*
*Information about Quarks (source)*
*Research: Plastic Shamans and Astroturf Sun Dances: New Age Commercialization of Native American Spirituality (source)*
*Research: Playing Hippies and Indians, acts of cultural colonization in the theatre of the American Counterculture (source)*
*Video: Quartz crystals EXPLODING with LIGHT (source)*
*Information about Quartz (source)*
*Information about AH 64 (source)*
*Information about AH 56 (source)*
*Article&Video: This is a prime example of why public schools should ban Native mascots. (source) (source)*
*Article: Global sport’s problem with the appropriation of Indigenous culture (source)*
*Research: The Social Construction of What (source) (source)*
*Information about Mary Golda Ross (source)*
*Article: You’ve heard of the Hidden Figures. But have you heard of another hidden figure named Mary Golda Ross? (source)*
*Information about RM-81 Agena (source)*
*Information about Haida Gwaii (source) (source) (source) (source)*
*Information about the family's research institute (source)*
*Information about The Advocate (source)*
*Information about Paul Cameron (source)*
*Article: New Colorado Springs mural addresses plight of Indigenous community (source)*
*Article: Being apolitical is a political statement. (source)*
*Article: Racist sports mascots (source) (source)*
Bonus:
*click here*
*click here*
Once out of the tunnel, the vehicle's radio picked up the airwaves to broadcast the news.
RADIO: Australia has just announced the redeployment of its special forces to Afghanistan...
Sam hurried down the road past security: A drink?
Anang nodded: I'll follow you.
RADIO: ...Recall that Australia withdrew its troops in December 2002 and the United States had-
Sam turned off the radio and Anang looked confused.
Anang raised her eyebrows: You know it's a privileged thing to be able to just push a button to make problems go away?
Sam gritted her teeth and turned on a cross: I turn it off because it reminds me that I'm privileged not to be there.
Anang’s eyes widened: Uh. I'm sorry. I didn't think of that.
Sam tried to lighten the mood: Sorry. It's just that the conflicts on Earth make me want to scream.
Anang nodded: Yeah, it must be strange for you.
Sam: Hmm.
Anang sensed the driver's tension and thought of a solution: Isn't that an astronaut thing?
Sam: What thing?
Anang: The overview effect?
Sam, surprised that she knows that term: Oh. (she pulls herself together and thinks) Maybe. I never thought of that.
Anang pulled her phone out of her pocket and frowned: Have you lived here long?
Sam: Several years now. (she tilted her head) I lived in Memphis as a child. I also went to school in Washington.
Anang rested her phone on her lap: Oh. City girl?
Sam: Hmm. No. (Anang questioned her with her eyes. Sam tilted her head again) We were in the suburbs of Memphis, in a small village. A house with a big garden.
Anang nodded and waited for the next part, but that seemed to be the end of his story: How do you like the city?
Sam turned the wheel, focused on the road: Hmm. Uh, I don't get much time outside of work.
Anang looked out the window: Hmm.
Silence.
Sam, more comfortable driving down the main street now: The first thing I did when I arrived was to go see the historical sites about Nikola Tesla. He had set up a laboratory here for his research on alternating current.
Anang: Oh. Cool.
Sam raised her eyebrows slightly and wondered if her answer was ironic, being used to being mocked for her interest in science.
Anang: I don't know anyone here. (Sam questioned her with her eyes, skeptical of this obvious reflection since she was new. Anang guessed her reasoning and insisted) This is not one of our territories.
Sam frowned slightly before realizing that she was talking about her ethnicity: Oh. (she made the connection with the SGC mountain) Cheyenne.
Anang nodded: Apaches, Arapahos and Utes too. (Sam raised her eyebrows at the memory of the name of the motel a week ago in the name of "Ute motel" and Anang moved her hand) Do you know "triboluminescence"?
Sam was surprised by this change of subject and smiled: Quarks are a great passion of mine.
Anang returned her smile: It was the Utes who made this discovery.
Sam, surprised: Oh?
Anang: They used to collect crystals from the local rivers and make rattles out of them, and when they shook them, the crystals produced flashes of light.
Sam raised her eyebrows: Oh. Cool.
Anang smiled wryly and looked out her window: But you don't learn that from your books.
Sam swallowed and there was silence.
Sam nervously moved her hand on her steering wheel: Sorry. It's kind of a joke. (Anang frowned and questioned her with her eyes. Sam winced and insisted) Quarks are my passion. (Anang looked at her in disbelief. Sam tilted her head and definitely promised herself to concentrate more on her thoughts about Science with the others) Quartz... (lowered) Quarks…
Anang looked back at the city and shook her head, stunned that she was making jokes when she was trying to implicitly explain something important to her.
Anang moved her hand nervously: And you named an Army helicopter “Apache”.
Sam nodded uncomfortably: AH 64. (Anang looked at her and Sam tilted her head) AH 56 is called "Cheyenne" too.
She didn't dare tell her that her bike was an Indian Chief 80.
Anang smiled wryly and then looked out the window: And your sports team mascots.
Sam glanced at her and saw that she was clenching a fist. She winced as she finally understood that the young woman was trying to explain something that was important to her. She recognized herself in this with her scientific side that no one understood.
Sam: I read a book that made a connection between Quarks and socio-political issues. (Anang turned her head towards her) "Constructing Quarks" by Andrew Pickering.
Anang: And?
Sam nodded: And... I understand some things even though I don't go out very often. (Anang nodded) You know Mary Golda Ross?
Anang: No?
Sam: She worked on the RM-81 Agena rocket for the Air Force. She's a mathematician and engineer. Cherokee.
Anang raised her eyebrows in surprise: Did you learn that in your books?
Sam grimaced: Um no. (she tilted her head) A colleague is from this people.
Anang nodded: Is she at the SGC?
Sam shook her head: She was in Antarctica where we discovered the second gate a few years ago. (Anang nodded. Sam remembered something) Oh. When I was a child I visited a tribe (Anang questioned her with her eyes) on the Queen Charlotte Islands.
Anang corrected her: Haida Gwaii. (Sam questioned her with her eyes. Anang took a deep breath and moved her hand) That's what Haida people call their islands. (She looked out the window and added more quietly) They refuse the colonial name.
Sam gave a silent "Ha.", uncomfortable that her plan to lighten the mood and find something to discuss together had failed.
Anang looked at her phone again and frowned: You know the family's research institute?
Sam: Yeah. They're here. (she grimaced and Anang put her phone down) I know that their researchers and scientists work hand in hand with the state and Congress, but...(she hesitated for a few seconds, getting nervous) I have to say I don't agree with their research at all.
Anang scanned Sam's face and added calmly: The Advocate just rated him Public Enemy #2 this year.
Sam: "The Advocate"?
Anang: An LGBT magazine.
Sam gave another "Ha mute" and pulled into a parking lot: Paul Cameron is known for his stance on this, yes. (She parked the car and took off her seatbelt) They contacted me when I was still at the Academy.
Anang unbuckled her belt, half-curious, half-fearful: Ha?
Sam got out of the car: Hmm. Like many. (She closed the car and added more quietly) I got a lot of awards for excellence. (she almost mumbled) I had my picture in the city newspaper regularly.
Anang giggles: Already famous!
Sam pointed to the bar and began to walk: So why tell me?
Anang walked beside her: You're into Nikola Tesla stuff, and I'm into... well, let's just say I like to know what city I'm in.
Echo:
* You know it's a privileged thing / I'm privileged not to be there.*
*City girl? / How do you like the city? / in the city newspaper / I like to know what city*
*Oh. Cool.(x2)*
*Quarks are a great passion of mine. / Quarks are my passion. *
*They used to collect crystals / the crystals produced / quartz*
*research*
*I didn't think of that. / I never thought of that.*
*An astronaut thing? - What thing?*
*Public Enemy #2 (with the previous paragraph “enemy”)*
*Nikola Tesla*
*But you don't learn that from your books. / Did you learn that in your books? / I read a book*
Notes:
*Article on the bombing of an LGBTQ+ club in Colorado Springs (source)*
*Article: Almost 50% of far-right protests in the US are now anti-LGBT+ protests. In 2020, that rate was less than 5% (source) (source)*
*Beware, Carter is not "famous" at the time of my fanfic (2005), I remain consistent with the saga. In the saga, she was on TV and gave lectures at the Air Force Academy. Later, she gives product presentations (notably "chimera") and even later in Stargate Atlantis, we see her picture in a newspaper (we'll come back to this when we'll get the chronology right). This journalist/conference/"famous" storyline is therefore realistic compared to the saga*
*I open a writing game here about quarks and this chapter. You can find the quark strange, the strange quarks, with the sentence of Anang: "Yeah, it must be strange for you.” You can find here Jack's crossword(click) with the definition of quarks, and with the video montage you understand the writing game of repetition in the episode with Jack's sentence "You know, we've searched this place, up and down". Soon after in the same scene of the episode, Carter says "I'm getting some strange readings coming from here"*
*One of Sam's bikes is this one (source)*
*Video: Colonization of place names (source)*
*Information about the overview effect (source)*
*Objective of the Right to Information Act (source)*
*Information about Wardenclyffe Tower (source)*
*Map showing the different territories of indigenous peoples (source)*
*Information about Cheyenne Mountain (source)*
*Information about Apaches (source)*
*Information about Arapahos (source)*
*Information about Utes (source)*
*Information about triboluminescence (source)*
*Information about Quarks (source)*
*Research: Plastic Shamans and Astroturf Sun Dances: New Age Commercialization of Native American Spirituality (source)*
*Research: Playing Hippies and Indians, acts of cultural colonization in the theatre of the American Counterculture (source)*
*Video: Quartz crystals EXPLODING with LIGHT (source)*
*Information about Quartz (source)*
*Information about AH 64 (source)*
*Information about AH 56 (source)*
*Article&Video: This is a prime example of why public schools should ban Native mascots. (source) (source)*
*Article: Global sport’s problem with the appropriation of Indigenous culture (source)*
*Research: The Social Construction of What (source) (source)*
*Information about Mary Golda Ross (source)*
*Article: You’ve heard of the Hidden Figures. But have you heard of another hidden figure named Mary Golda Ross? (source)*
*Information about RM-81 Agena (source)*
*Information about Haida Gwaii (source) (source) (source) (source)*
*Information about the family's research institute (source)*
*Information about The Advocate (source)*
*Information about Paul Cameron (source)*
*Article: New Colorado Springs mural addresses plight of Indigenous community (source)*
*Article: Being apolitical is a political statement. (source)*
*Article: Racist sports mascots (source) (source)*
Bonus:
*click here*
*click here*
CW: *alcohol mention* *school killing mention* *gun mention* *racism* *sexual violence mention* *torture mention* *genocide mention* *war mention* *human trafficking mention* *PTSD* *addiction mention* *eating disorder* *putophobia* *suicide mention* *meritocracy*
Anang tried to restore a good relationship: Um, sorry about the other time. I-
Sam raised a hand to her: No, no, you-
Anang: Yes, I am. I wasn't very cool. I mean... it was rough.
Sam smiled shyly: Really, it's okay.
The waiter handed the drinks to the young women and left.
Anang, tense: I... (she looked away) Have you been following the news the last few days? (Sam questioned her with her eyes and Anang nervously moved her hand) Something that happened in Minnesota.
Sam searched her memory for the headlines: Are you talking about the killing in this school?
Anang nodded and looked at her glass: Red Lake (she swallowed) It was a member of my tribe. (Sam froze and opened her mouth in shock) That's why I was angry at you.
Sam understood and swallowed: I was still shooting. (Anang nodded and Sam added lower) I'm sorry.
Anang tried to control her emotions: What pisses me off the most is that nobody ever does anything. They debate. They debate, sell the tabloid and go back to their normalcy. (Sam looked down uncomfortably, and Anang smiled nervously) Thank you for the invitation.
Sam smiled back at her: Thank you. (she grimaced) It couldn't have been easy to turn you in. (she looked down at her glass, and almost to herself, she added) I don't know how you do it. (she winced at her own reflection) Hmm.
Anang stared at her for a moment: Nietzsche said, "What doesn't kill me makes me stronger"? (Sam nodded and smiled) That's bullshit. (Sam's smile disappeared) It just kills us slowly. They say that trauma, the head can forget, but the body never forgets. It's stuck inside us. And one day it ends us. (Sam swallowed and Anang feigned a smile) But it's the honor and the medals that count.
Sam smiled nervously at her father's echo when she had been promoted to Major and Anang winced at having offended him about his job.
Anang lowered her head: They say my soul is old.
Sam, confused: Who?
Anang looked up at her: The elders of my tribe (Sam made a silent "ha.") They say I had to grow up too fast because of my traumas. Now I want to dance, sing, have fun, like... Like to get back that part of me that was stolen, you know?
Sam shyly nodded: Hmm.
Anang: I mean... All these wars and violence. If it weren't for all that, we wouldn't need to be strong. (She turned her head away for a moment and then looked at her) Being happy becomes political.
Sam took some time to think about what she had just said. She swallowed and nodded, not sure how to respond.
Anang straightened up: Haven't you ever had that strong feeling of injustice that your whole body just wanted to fight?
Sam was apprehensive about her response: That sounds like the Army to me.
Anang stared at her: If you hadn't joined the Army, wouldn't you be fighting like you are now?
Sam thought back to the other Sams in the alternate realities. They hadn't joined the Air Force, yet they were fighting in exactly the same place they were now. Well... the ones still alive, she supposed.
Sam, softly: Yes, I think I will.
There was a silence. Anang took a sip and took out her phone for a fraction of a second, unlocked it, raised her eyebrows slightly, then put it in her pocket.
Anang then played with the label of her beer: So...?
Sam: So?
Anang sank into the seat: You said you wanted company. (Sam remained silent and lowered her gaze to her drink. Anang swallowed) I'm no shrink, but I'm a good listener.
Sam smiles politely: Hmm. I'm fine. How are you?
Anang giggles: I'm surviving but I have friends to talk to. (Sam's face broke down and Anang winced) Sorry. I tend to say what I think without paying attention to the emotions of others at the time. Neuro-atypical things. (There was a silence and she mumbled) I'm not very good at new relationships.
She played with the label on her bottle nervously, not knowing how to make up for it. Sam remembered her reply that she made enemies even faster than she made friends and thought of a way to change the mood of the evening.
Anang swallowed and looked down at her beer: I heard about your father and your best friend. (she waved her hand uncertainly) So I assumed you were lonely.
Sam looked at her for a few seconds: Some days I am. (she tilted her head) I guess everyone is.
Anang: Everyone reacts differently to death. (She put her elbows on the table and smiled exaggeratedly at her) Anything interesting going on in your life right now?
Sam shook her head negatively: Um, I broke off my engagement about two weeks ago.
Anang froze: Errrh... Sorry.
Sam: That's okay.
Anang: Do you want to talk about it?
Sam not sure: I... I don't know...
Anang frowned as she made an assumption about her reaction: Was he violent?
Sam widened her eyes and raised her hands to her: No no! No, no, really. He... He was fine.
Anang stared at her for a moment and spoke in Ojibwe: Maaaaaa, giiwanimo. (Sam questioned her with her eyes, Anang shook her head so that she would forget and continued) Not in love?
Sam looked away: Not enough, I guess.
Anang grinned and looked at her for a moment: You know the Superwoman complex?
Sam, amused but unconvinced: And what? I'm trying to save everyone?
Anang giggles: It's something that explains why a lotta women have this injunction to be perfect, whether it's at work, at home, on themselves, with others. You know? (Sam nodded and waited for the next part) Hmm. You seem to do that a lot.
Sam distraught and remembered Felger: Hmm. I'm not perfect.
Anang frowned at her reflection: I'm not saying that. (Sam opened her mouth slightly ashamed and Anang insisted) You look perfect. (Sam frowned) You seem to control everything that comes out of you all the time. (Sam looked away for a split second and tensed up, Anang winced) To be happy, do you have to do what people expect you to do? (Sam winced and remembered her inner struggle with her father's words on his deathbed and RepliCarter) The problem with controlling yourself is that you censor yourself. How can you know what really makes you happy?
Sam: Hmm. And your solution?
Anang: Adelphity!
Sam: Adelphity?
Anang: Sisterhood but integrating gender.
Sam, lost: I'm sorry, I don't follow you.
Anang repositioned herself in the chair and put her hands in front of her: You are either born with a vagina or a penis? (Sam giggled and nodded) "Well, there are intersexes, but... we'll take it easy. (Sam questioned her with her eyes, Anang continued with a grimace) Well, these babies, why do we put them in pink dresses or blue pants?
Sam: Okay I got it.
Anang pointed a hand at her so she wouldn't jump to a conclusion: Okay. Female or male at birth. It's... biological, right?
Sam: I know that, I was blend with- (she frowned and looked around quietly) Hm.
Anang: Oh yes, Jolinar. (Sam nodded, Anang frowned) Selmak was a woman too, right?
Sam: Yes and no. They don't have a gender. My father told me that Selmak identified as female when they were blended, but after being with him, he identified as male.
Anang pointed a finger at her: And wearing pink or blue is...?
Sam: A diktat?
Anang nodded: Sort of. The correct expression is "gender construction" (she pointed to her) Like you. You were born a woman, but you break the codes by being a super soldier?
Sam winced slightly at her choice of last words: What does this have to do with the Superwoman complex?
Anang: The connection was adelphity. Adelphity brings everyone together, regardless of their sex or gender, sexual orientation, skin color...
Sam, still not seeing the connection: And so?
Anang: And so my solution... Making adelphity is about accepting that people are as different from each other as all the individuals in our society are. To accept it for others is probably to give oneself the chance to accept oneself, in all its complexity, and to allow oneself many more things than when one is afraid of not conforming properly to what one imagines femininity to be. (she moved her hand) It's preferring mutual aid to competition. It's not seeing other women as rivals.
Sam's eyes widened and she looked even more confused than when she started this conversation.
Anang laughs at her reaction: No really, I'll never be a teacher.
Sam: I'm sorry. I'm just impressed with what you're saying. (she smiles) You remind me of Daniel.
Anang, not sure how to take this admission, softly: Ok?
Sam frowned and questioned her with her eyes, not understanding her reaction.
Anang shook her head to tell her to move on: Anyway. Don't care what others think. (she grimaced) Without overriding their rights. (Sam nodded and smiled softly) Do we recommend anything?
Sam nodded and looked at the menu: Hungry?
Anang looked at the menu too: Yah. (to the waiter) Please? (the waiter arrived) I'll have meatballs and Sticky Paws, thank you!
Sam handed him her empty bottle: Scotch Egg with a salad. And Old Bardstown.
The waiter took the bottle of Anang: Very well ladies.
Anang looked at the place she had chosen and left: "Shame & regret".
Sam: The mother of my goddaughter introduced me to this place. It's pretty quiet, I like it.
Anang: ‘cause it's a metaphor for your personal life?
Sam smiled and closed her eyes: Okay. It was rough.
Anang shrugged: What's wrong with feeling those emotions? (she insisted) Who categorized which emotions were positive and which were not?
Sam tilted her head: That's one way of looking at it, yes. (she frowned) Actually, I had this discussion about regret not long ago. (lowered) It's funny.
The waiter brought them their drinks and cutlery.
Anang took her beer and invited her to toast: To negative emotions!
Sam smiled and toasted: Now it's your turn to talk about yourself.
Anang winced: Hmm.
Sam pointed to her: Cheater.
Anang looked at her, falsely perplexed: I think you have learned more about me than I have about you in this conversation.
Sam smiled nervously and looked at her glass: It takes me a while to trust people.
Anang: Hmm, normal. Traumatized thing. (Sam looked up at her, Anang winced and shrugged) My job is to read your files. (Sam felt uncomfortable and Anang guessed that she didn't like knowing that she knew more about her than she did) Okay. This is my life. I left my (she made quotation marks with her fingers) "parents'" home when I was 16 and I lived left and right, mainly in squats. (Sam's face gradually broke down and Anang moved her hand) No, stop it. It was kind of nice. It's a lot of solidarity and self-management. (Sam nodded, slightly uncomfortable. Anang took a sip) I joined the Red Lake reserve not long ago and I'm trying to find my family. (she hesitated for a few seconds) I'm not the careerist type, in fact the only job I feel fulfilled in is not to everyone's taste.
Sam: What "job"?
Anang examined her for a few moments: Tell me something you like to eat, anything. (Sam questioned her with her eyes and Anang snapped her fingers) Right now!
Sam caught off guard: Eurrh, cakes?
Anang nodded: Okay. You're a baker and I'm telling you I like cake. That's pretty good, right?
Sam, confused: Yes?
Anang: I'm not going to say "yuuuurck you disgust me. Kill yourself"?
Sam frowned and looked at her in total disbelief: What? No.
Anang tilted her head: Good. Now reverse the roles and imagine that you like sex.
Anang looked around for a moment until Sam understood. Sam winced in incomprehension, then her neurons kicked in and she opened her eyes.
Sam lowered her head and looked at her glass in her hands: Oh.
Waiter: Scotch Egg (he put the plates down) and Meatballs. Enjoy your meal!
Anang waited for the waiter to leave and smiled nervously: I can go. I'm used to it.
Sam widened her eyes even more: Uh no no, it's okay. Your choices are none of my business. (she resumed more calmly) Sorry, I'm being rude. It's new and I'm kind of um... nervous.
Anang giggled: I thought I saw that. (She got serious again) They say that sluts have no morals or principles. (Sam froze at the word "sluts" and Anang guessed her problem) Why define a man who likes sex as a "Don Juan", and why "Slut" a woman who likes sex?
Sam understood: Oh.
Anang: To be a slut is to break the image of the respectable woman that society tries to impose and to construct your own sexual identity and physical appearance according to your own criteria.
Sam nodded politely, still nervous to bring up the subject: I understand.
Anang moved a hand: It's like when we are judged for our clothes. People judge without knowing why we wear them.
Sam swallowed, uncomfortable at having thought that just before: You look like you have an eventful life? (Anang chuckled at her choice of words and Sam quickly snapped back) Sorry.
Anang grabbed her cutlery: All people who fight for justice and fairness have an eventful life. Full of suffering and joy. (She tilted her head) Often more suffering.
Sam: Hmm. This job... it's not a bit...
Anang winced: No, stop it. Please. Don't tell me I'm selling my body. I don't feel like fighting tonight.
Sam frowned: Why? (she quickly recovered from Anang's jaded look) I mean, I do decide to sell mine by going into battle.
Anang smiled and clinked her glass with hers: We are in business.
Sam smiled and continued more seriously: Service.
Anang nodded: Precisely.
Sam moved her hand nervously: I was sold once, (Anang widened her eyes, not having read this report) I know the difference.
Anang nodded again and added lower: So what?
Sam quietly, a little worried: Risky?
Anang shrugged: There are risks, but it's not the job itself that is violent, it's the stigma that is violent. And then there are the pigs too.
Sam frowned: "Pigs"?
Anang moved her hands: Cops.
Sam raised her eyebrows: Cops?
Anang, jaded: The ones we have to give money to, the ones we have to offer our services to protect us (Sam widened her eyes) or to leave our clients alone and the ones who don't respect us...
Sam swallowed, bowed her head and continued to eat in silence. Anang saw her reaction, rolled her eyes and decided to change the subject.
Anang quietly: Want to talk about your release from active duty?
Sam looked up at her: Uh... No.
Anang grinned: Okay.
Silence.
Sam, nervously: Sorry. I'm not very good at new relationships either.
Anang: That's okay.
They looked at each other, smiled and shook their heads, and resumed their meal.
Silence.
Sam almost whispered: I met someone.
Anang, curious: Ha?
Sam grinned and tilted her head: To be honest, I've known him for a long time.
Anang cut a meatball: Okay?
Sam: Big fight a few days ago.
Anang: It happens.
Sam tilted her head, unconvinced: We've only been together two weeks.
Anang squirmed in her seat: Can I know what you're fighting about? (Sam nervously ticked at having said too much already and put her head back in her plate) Hmm. Two weeks. Maybe you're just trying to find your balance.
Sam played with something on her plate: Maybe.
Anang frowned: Didn't you lose your father two weeks ago? (she snapped) And break off your engagement?
Sam, uncomfortable: Eurh. Yes.
Anang stared at her for several seconds: Are you attached to each other? (Sam nodded) Good. Ups and downs.
Sam, pensive: Hmm. He's worried about me, which tends to make me want to scream.
Anang giggled Yeah, it sucks when people care about others, really. (Sam didn't answer, Anang spoke more softly) Maybe you're just angry or sad or both at the same time because of grief?
Sam played with a piece of her salad without looking up: Maybe.
Anang, skeptical of her behavior: Are you going to break up?
Sam, still not very optimistic: No, no.
Anang: And out of this fight?
Sam: Um, it's okay. I think so. (she moved her hand limply) He's afraid to control me. My brain right now is constantly fighting between my strong need for independence and...
She fell silent, uncomfortable and looked away.
Anang: Your dependence on him?
Sam tilted her head and winced at having to admit it to herself: Yeah.
Anang: One doesn't preclude the other, you know? (Sam looked at her questioningly) Independence is good. You do what you want, when you want, with whom you want. Free. Dependency on others is your brain telling you that you need help, support, love. When it's directed at a particular person, it's because they're giving you something you can't give yourself. Like a drug. You need a dose of something in particular.
Sam: And what would that be?
Anang: It often comes from a fear of abandonment that leads to a lack of self-confidence.
Sam grimaced: I have confidence in myself.
Anang in an extremely sarcastic tone: Yes, of course. All women have a lot of self-confidence, it is well known.
Silence.
Anang grimaced: Where do you think your fear of abandonment comes from?
Silence again.
Anang looked around and straightened up slightly: Okay. And you're the jealous type?
Sam, surprised, sharply: Where did you get that from?
Anang shrugged and swallowed a mouthful: I'm just asking. (she dodged a smile) But seeing your reaction...
Sam grimaced, nervous: Yes. (she looked away) Yes, I'm jealous. (she insisted to herself) Extremely.
Anang smiled: We're making progress. (she tilted her head) Tell me about it?
Silence.
Anang began to get bored of talking alone: Another woman? Other women? (Sam smiled nervously and remained silent) You were together?
Sam: No!
Anang, puzzled: Well?
Sam: Let's just say that he doesn't leave beautiful women indifferent and that...
Anang gave her a mischievous look: Reciprocally?
Sam swallowed: Precisely.
Anang: And so?
Sam frowned: "And so" what?
Anang: How did you feel about it? Depressed? Anxious? Scared?
Sam shook her head: More like angry.
Anang laughed: You wanted to gut him?
Sam frowned again, and added shyly: Rather them.
Anang stared at her in silence and took a sip of her beer: Why?
Sam looked up at her: What do you mean "why"?
Anang, even more puzzled: Why them and not him? (Sam looked back at her dish, confused by this question. Anang swallowed, then slowly resumed) You were angry with them, but you were angry with yourself for not giving you what you wanted. (Sam sharply raised her head to her and stared at her in disbelief) Basically, you don't care about them. You even think it's normal for him to sleep with other people because you do too, and... Well... weren't you together?
Sam thought for a long moment: Maybe.
Anang looked at her: Jealousy is a manifestation of possessiveness. (Sam frowned in incomprehension) We own the objects, right? Being used or reduced to an object is not very... Nice. (she moved a hand towards her) Well, you lived it by being sold.
Sam swallowed again and nodded: And?
Anang: And this object we are afraid to lose.
Sam frowned and thought for a few seconds. Shit, she'd had that talk with Dr. Williams and Dr. Dang this week, she reminded herself, being an object to the other. A toy. A puppet. To be controlled.
Sam: And that would come from... ?
Anang ventured: Fear of abandonment...?
Sam rolled her eyes and exhaled deeply: I don't lack confidence.
Anang frowned: You should talk to Bell about this. I'm not an expert, I'm just going by my own experience. (Sam was silent. Anang winced and hesitated) Were you jealous in your other relationships?
Sam, confused by this question: Eurh... (she lowered her head and thought) I don't know.
Silence.
Anang finished her plate: Will you call him?
Sam: I don't think so.
Anang: Well, one of you has to start a conversation and at least you've tried. (Sam gave her an unconvinced look and Anang moved her hand toward her) Test things even if you fail. Failing is not a sign of failure.
Sam nodded: In science too.
Anang finished her beer and worried: You didn't eat much. How are you doing?
Sam looked away and forced a smile: Hmm. I'm not very hungry.
Anang tried: Because of the fight?
Sam looked away: It's complicated.
Anang snapped: Oh. (she frowned) Doesn't the Army prohibit relationships between colleagues? (Sam widened her eyes) Haha, touché.
Sam closed her eyes, realizing that she had just been tricked. She cursed herself for not getting anywhere right now.
Sam shook her head and smiled for appearances: Only when the hierarchy is not the same.
Anang, far from being fooled: "Only”.
The waiter arrived: Is it finished? (Sam nodded even though her plate had barely been touched) Dessert?
Sam saw that Anang was shaking her head: No, thank you. (she grimaced) Sorry. It was very good, I'm just...
The waiter smiled at her: Don't worry.
Sam felt guilty: But the service was perfect. Thank you.
He left with a smile to thank her, Sam swallowed and became nervous again. Anang stared at her.
Anang: Shame, regrets & guilt
Sam looked at her: Hmm?
Anang: Nothing. Shall we go somewhere else?
Sam: Where?
Anang shrugged: It's your city. (She moved her hand) Take me to one of your favorite places.
Echo:
*So...? - So?*
*In one of the previous paragraphs "A little company would be nice." / You said you wanted company.*
* I guess everyone is. - Everyone reacts differently*
* this injunction to be perfect / I'm not perfect. / You look perfect. / But the service was perfect.*
*You seem to control everything that comes out of you / The problem with controlling yourself / He's afraid to control me.*
*Being happy becomes political. / To be happy / what really makes you happy?*
*Adelphity! - Adelphity? / The connection was adelphity. Adelphity brings everyone together / Making adelphity is about*
*And so?(x2) - And so? - "And so" what?*
*it was rough.(x2)*
*with feeling those emotions? / which emotions / To negative emotions!*
*My job is to read your files / This job… / in fact the only job / What "job"? / it's not the job itself *
*No, stop it. (x2)*
*Hungry? / cakes? / You're a baker / I like cake. / Enjoy your meal! / You didn't eat much. - I'm not very hungry. / Dessert?*
*you have an eventful life? / have an eventful life. *
*Full of suffering and joy. Often more suffering.*
*Your choices are none of my business./ Don't tell me I'm selling my body. / I do decide to sell mine by going into battle. / We are in business. / I was sold once*
*your whole body just wanted to fight? / wouldn't you be fighting like you are now? / All people who fight / I don't feel like fighting tonight. / is constantly fighting / Big fight / you're fighting about? / Because of the fight? / And out of this fight?*
*Risky? / There are risks*
*In an earlier paragraph: " It's just that the conflicts on Earth make me want to scream."/ which tends to make me want to scream.*
*All these wars and violence. / that is violent / that is violent. / Was he violent?*
*You were together? / weren't you together? *
*And then there are the pigs too. - "Pigs"? - Cops. - Cops?*
* I'm not very good at new relationships. / I'm not very good at new relationships either.*
*about two weeks ago. / been together two weeks./ Two weeks. / two weeks ago?*
*Maybe you're just trying / Maybe you're just angry / Maybe. (x3)*
*And your solution? / And so my solution... *
*I broke off my engagement / And break off your engagement?*
*my strong need for independence and… / Dependency on others / Your dependence on him? / Independence is good. / a particular person/ Like a drug. You need a dose of something in particular. something in particular.*
*Fear of abandonment...? / And this object we are afraid to lose. / Didn't you lose your father two weeks ago? a fear of abandonment / your fear of abandonment *
*a lack of self-confidence. / I have confidence in myself. / All women have a lot of self-confidence / I don't lack confidence. *
*And you're the jealous type? / Yes, I'm jealous. / Were you jealous in your other relationships? / Jealousy is a manifestation*
*That's why I was angry at you. / More like angry. / You were angry with them / you were angry with yourself*
*Why? - What do you mean "why"? - Why them and not him?*
*a manifestation of possessiveness. / reduced to an object / And this object / We own the objects*
*Test things even if you fail. Failing is not a sign of failure.*
*Only / "Only"*
*Precisely.(x2)*
Notes:
*The bar is called "shame & regrets". In this paragraph regrets are discussed again*
*translation: "Maaaaaa, giiwanimo": "lie/I can see that you are lying"*
*We have here the truth quark (source) with Anang saying this sentence to Sam (source), Sam saying "To be honest", and the up (source) and down (source) quarks when she says: "Ups and downs.”*
*My video on the quark writing game with the Carter character (source)*
*Writing game that compares "military service"(source) with the economic classification concept of "services and market goods (source)" / But the service was perfect*
*In chapter 8, when Sam reads the newspaper and tells Jack what is going on in the world, if you read the future news on the date she reads the newspaper, you will find evidence of this killing in this school*
*The profession of prostitution is seen as something negative in our society. The image of prostitutes in the media, movies, etc. is always told through the prism of an outsider who is not a prostitute herself, or confuses sexual exploitation with prostitution. These are two different subjects. We must fight for the rights of people who want to do this job and fight for people who want to get out of sexual exploitation. Ask the associations fighting for the rights of prostitutes for a better understanding, they also fight against sexual exploitation*
*I included this detail also because in SG-1 9x19, Vala says "By the looks on your faces, I can see you're not surprised I had more in common with the village harlot than I did with any of the ladies from the local knitting circle.", indeed there is no judgment on their part whether it is about Vala being friends with a prostitute or the prostitute herself. There is no comment even after the observation (very "Tauri-centric by the way, because it is a profession that can be totally socially accepted elsewhere in the Universe). We need a more positive representation of this profession!*
*From now on, I invite you to look more carefully at the ads around you, and try to understand why we systematically see a woman smiling or laughing at her green salad*
*Amanda Tapping said she had a hard time playing strong women because she didn't feel strong herself, but she also experienced sexism during her career as a director. I'm making the "military"/"science" connection here, imagining a Carter with two identities inside her who experiences micro aggression because she is in two rather gendered "male" professional worlds, especially at the time. I can't imagine the duality that Amanda Tapping felt throughout her career, but also the pressure to be a strong representation of the time, but remember that there is also the emphasis on the Air Force, not only via its scientific field*
*In this study of sociology, you will understand Anang's comment on honor and medals: "By decorating soldiers, the leaders of the army - and the rulers who institute the distinctions - intend to honor, distinguish, and glorify the most valiant among them. Through medals, citations and ceremonies, that is to say through the three elements of positive sanction, they symbolically celebrate the bravery, the courage, the heroism that these soldiers have shown through their feats of arms. Their decoration then proceeds from an "individual instrumentation of greatness, prestige, honor " (source)*
*I am highlighting here the lack of representation of badass women at the time on screen for young women, who saw in Carter's character a model to follow, forgetting to take into account the oppressive bias of our society to be perfect and to follow the same path as her in the military, forgetting that Stargate was sponsored by the Air Force. The concept of "Mary Sue" is sexist. (source) (source)*
*When Anang says "They debate, sell the tabloid and go back to their normalcy.", Sam looks down and is uncomfortable. As a reminder in my chapter 7 when she tells Jack about her rapes: “The hardest part is that it's becoming the norm. History repeats itself. Constantly. Continuously. On a loop. It's always the same thing.”*
*Article on sex work with a comparison with the army (source)*
*Article: The Invention of Woman, a colonial history of gender (source)*
*Information on the disappearances and murders of indigenous people (source)*
*Association: MMIP | Who Is Missing (source)*
*Feminist illustration: Clothes have no gender (source)*
*Explanation of what Red Dress Day is (source)*
*Article: How red dresses became a symbol for missing and murdered indigenous women (source)*
*Video: what doesn't kill you doesn't always make you stronger (source)*
*Article: Canadian police charged an alleged serial killer with four counts of first-degree murder of Indigenous women in Winnipeg, Canada. (source)*
*Video: When will the protection of Indigenous women, girls and two-spirited be taken seriously? (source)*
*Video: Uncomfortable feelings can be the most powerful teachers. (source)*
*Information about Jeff Weise (source)*
*Quote from Farida D: “a slut doesn't exist, except in the mind of a person conditioned to believe that a woman enjoying sex the way men do is somehow deviant.” (source)*
*Illustration: Clothing has no gender (source)*
*Article: Red Dress Day (source)*
*Article: How Red Dresses Became a Symbol for Missing and Murdered Indigenous Women (source)*
*Article: “as a veteran of the u.s. air force i support the hell out of this message!: “dudes be like ‘at least i’m not selling my body’ but r in the military.” and guess who separated from that very military with a disability? “aim high” they said—fuck that, i did my time and aimed higher! (source)*
*Article: Why are the police called cops, pigs, or the fuzz? (source)*
*Article: What is the origin of derogatorily calling police officers "pigs"? (source)*
*Article: Tennessee Rep. Andy Ogles shared his Christmas card from last year, which shows his family holding assault rifles. (source)*
*Article: Never forget that the largest mass shooting in U.S. history was committed by the government (source)*
Bonus:
*Click here*
*and click here*
Anang tried to restore a good relationship: Um, sorry about the other time. I-
Sam raised a hand to her: No, no, you-
Anang: Yes, I am. I wasn't very cool. I mean... it was rough.
Sam smiled shyly: Really, it's okay.
The waiter handed the drinks to the young women and left.
Anang, tense: I... (she looked away) Have you been following the news the last few days? (Sam questioned her with her eyes and Anang nervously moved her hand) Something that happened in Minnesota.
Sam searched her memory for the headlines: Are you talking about the killing in this school?
Anang nodded and looked at her glass: Red Lake (she swallowed) It was a member of my tribe. (Sam froze and opened her mouth in shock) That's why I was angry at you.
Sam understood and swallowed: I was still shooting. (Anang nodded and Sam added lower) I'm sorry.
Anang tried to control her emotions: What pisses me off the most is that nobody ever does anything. They debate. They debate, sell the tabloid and go back to their normalcy. (Sam looked down uncomfortably, and Anang smiled nervously) Thank you for the invitation.
Sam smiled back at her: Thank you. (she grimaced) It couldn't have been easy to turn you in. (she looked down at her glass, and almost to herself, she added) I don't know how you do it. (she winced at her own reflection) Hmm.
Anang stared at her for a moment: Nietzsche said, "What doesn't kill me makes me stronger"? (Sam nodded and smiled) That's bullshit. (Sam's smile disappeared) It just kills us slowly. They say that trauma, the head can forget, but the body never forgets. It's stuck inside us. And one day it ends us. (Sam swallowed and Anang feigned a smile) But it's the honor and the medals that count.
Sam smiled nervously at her father's echo when she had been promoted to Major and Anang winced at having offended him about his job.
Anang lowered her head: They say my soul is old.
Sam, confused: Who?
Anang looked up at her: The elders of my tribe (Sam made a silent "ha.") They say I had to grow up too fast because of my traumas. Now I want to dance, sing, have fun, like... Like to get back that part of me that was stolen, you know?
Sam shyly nodded: Hmm.
Anang: I mean... All these wars and violence. If it weren't for all that, we wouldn't need to be strong. (She turned her head away for a moment and then looked at her) Being happy becomes political.
Sam took some time to think about what she had just said. She swallowed and nodded, not sure how to respond.
Anang straightened up: Haven't you ever had that strong feeling of injustice that your whole body just wanted to fight?
Sam was apprehensive about her response: That sounds like the Army to me.
Anang stared at her: If you hadn't joined the Army, wouldn't you be fighting like you are now?
Sam thought back to the other Sams in the alternate realities. They hadn't joined the Air Force, yet they were fighting in exactly the same place they were now. Well... the ones still alive, she supposed.
Sam, softly: Yes, I think I will.
There was a silence. Anang took a sip and took out her phone for a fraction of a second, unlocked it, raised her eyebrows slightly, then put it in her pocket.
Anang then played with the label of her beer: So...?
Sam: So?
Anang sank into the seat: You said you wanted company. (Sam remained silent and lowered her gaze to her drink. Anang swallowed) I'm no shrink, but I'm a good listener.
Sam smiles politely: Hmm. I'm fine. How are you?
Anang giggles: I'm surviving but I have friends to talk to. (Sam's face broke down and Anang winced) Sorry. I tend to say what I think without paying attention to the emotions of others at the time. Neuro-atypical things. (There was a silence and she mumbled) I'm not very good at new relationships.
She played with the label on her bottle nervously, not knowing how to make up for it. Sam remembered her reply that she made enemies even faster than she made friends and thought of a way to change the mood of the evening.
Anang swallowed and looked down at her beer: I heard about your father and your best friend. (she waved her hand uncertainly) So I assumed you were lonely.
Sam looked at her for a few seconds: Some days I am. (she tilted her head) I guess everyone is.
Anang: Everyone reacts differently to death. (She put her elbows on the table and smiled exaggeratedly at her) Anything interesting going on in your life right now?
Sam shook her head negatively: Um, I broke off my engagement about two weeks ago.
Anang froze: Errrh... Sorry.
Sam: That's okay.
Anang: Do you want to talk about it?
Sam not sure: I... I don't know...
Anang frowned as she made an assumption about her reaction: Was he violent?
Sam widened her eyes and raised her hands to her: No no! No, no, really. He... He was fine.
Anang stared at her for a moment and spoke in Ojibwe: Maaaaaa, giiwanimo. (Sam questioned her with her eyes, Anang shook her head so that she would forget and continued) Not in love?
Sam looked away: Not enough, I guess.
Anang grinned and looked at her for a moment: You know the Superwoman complex?
Sam, amused but unconvinced: And what? I'm trying to save everyone?
Anang giggles: It's something that explains why a lotta women have this injunction to be perfect, whether it's at work, at home, on themselves, with others. You know? (Sam nodded and waited for the next part) Hmm. You seem to do that a lot.
Sam distraught and remembered Felger: Hmm. I'm not perfect.
Anang frowned at her reflection: I'm not saying that. (Sam opened her mouth slightly ashamed and Anang insisted) You look perfect. (Sam frowned) You seem to control everything that comes out of you all the time. (Sam looked away for a split second and tensed up, Anang winced) To be happy, do you have to do what people expect you to do? (Sam winced and remembered her inner struggle with her father's words on his deathbed and RepliCarter) The problem with controlling yourself is that you censor yourself. How can you know what really makes you happy?
Sam: Hmm. And your solution?
Anang: Adelphity!
Sam: Adelphity?
Anang: Sisterhood but integrating gender.
Sam, lost: I'm sorry, I don't follow you.
Anang repositioned herself in the chair and put her hands in front of her: You are either born with a vagina or a penis? (Sam giggled and nodded) "Well, there are intersexes, but... we'll take it easy. (Sam questioned her with her eyes, Anang continued with a grimace) Well, these babies, why do we put them in pink dresses or blue pants?
Sam: Okay I got it.
Anang pointed a hand at her so she wouldn't jump to a conclusion: Okay. Female or male at birth. It's... biological, right?
Sam: I know that, I was blend with- (she frowned and looked around quietly) Hm.
Anang: Oh yes, Jolinar. (Sam nodded, Anang frowned) Selmak was a woman too, right?
Sam: Yes and no. They don't have a gender. My father told me that Selmak identified as female when they were blended, but after being with him, he identified as male.
Anang pointed a finger at her: And wearing pink or blue is...?
Sam: A diktat?
Anang nodded: Sort of. The correct expression is "gender construction" (she pointed to her) Like you. You were born a woman, but you break the codes by being a super soldier?
Sam winced slightly at her choice of last words: What does this have to do with the Superwoman complex?
Anang: The connection was adelphity. Adelphity brings everyone together, regardless of their sex or gender, sexual orientation, skin color...
Sam, still not seeing the connection: And so?
Anang: And so my solution... Making adelphity is about accepting that people are as different from each other as all the individuals in our society are. To accept it for others is probably to give oneself the chance to accept oneself, in all its complexity, and to allow oneself many more things than when one is afraid of not conforming properly to what one imagines femininity to be. (she moved her hand) It's preferring mutual aid to competition. It's not seeing other women as rivals.
Sam's eyes widened and she looked even more confused than when she started this conversation.
Anang laughs at her reaction: No really, I'll never be a teacher.
Sam: I'm sorry. I'm just impressed with what you're saying. (she smiles) You remind me of Daniel.
Anang, not sure how to take this admission, softly: Ok?
Sam frowned and questioned her with her eyes, not understanding her reaction.
Anang shook her head to tell her to move on: Anyway. Don't care what others think. (she grimaced) Without overriding their rights. (Sam nodded and smiled softly) Do we recommend anything?
Sam nodded and looked at the menu: Hungry?
Anang looked at the menu too: Yah. (to the waiter) Please? (the waiter arrived) I'll have meatballs and Sticky Paws, thank you!
Sam handed him her empty bottle: Scotch Egg with a salad. And Old Bardstown.
The waiter took the bottle of Anang: Very well ladies.
Anang looked at the place she had chosen and left: "Shame & regret".
Sam: The mother of my goddaughter introduced me to this place. It's pretty quiet, I like it.
Anang: ‘cause it's a metaphor for your personal life?
Sam smiled and closed her eyes: Okay. It was rough.
Anang shrugged: What's wrong with feeling those emotions? (she insisted) Who categorized which emotions were positive and which were not?
Sam tilted her head: That's one way of looking at it, yes. (she frowned) Actually, I had this discussion about regret not long ago. (lowered) It's funny.
The waiter brought them their drinks and cutlery.
Anang took her beer and invited her to toast: To negative emotions!
Sam smiled and toasted: Now it's your turn to talk about yourself.
Anang winced: Hmm.
Sam pointed to her: Cheater.
Anang looked at her, falsely perplexed: I think you have learned more about me than I have about you in this conversation.
Sam smiled nervously and looked at her glass: It takes me a while to trust people.
Anang: Hmm, normal. Traumatized thing. (Sam looked up at her, Anang winced and shrugged) My job is to read your files. (Sam felt uncomfortable and Anang guessed that she didn't like knowing that she knew more about her than she did) Okay. This is my life. I left my (she made quotation marks with her fingers) "parents'" home when I was 16 and I lived left and right, mainly in squats. (Sam's face gradually broke down and Anang moved her hand) No, stop it. It was kind of nice. It's a lot of solidarity and self-management. (Sam nodded, slightly uncomfortable. Anang took a sip) I joined the Red Lake reserve not long ago and I'm trying to find my family. (she hesitated for a few seconds) I'm not the careerist type, in fact the only job I feel fulfilled in is not to everyone's taste.
Sam: What "job"?
Anang examined her for a few moments: Tell me something you like to eat, anything. (Sam questioned her with her eyes and Anang snapped her fingers) Right now!
Sam caught off guard: Eurrh, cakes?
Anang nodded: Okay. You're a baker and I'm telling you I like cake. That's pretty good, right?
Sam, confused: Yes?
Anang: I'm not going to say "yuuuurck you disgust me. Kill yourself"?
Sam frowned and looked at her in total disbelief: What? No.
Anang tilted her head: Good. Now reverse the roles and imagine that you like sex.
Anang looked around for a moment until Sam understood. Sam winced in incomprehension, then her neurons kicked in and she opened her eyes.
Sam lowered her head and looked at her glass in her hands: Oh.
Waiter: Scotch Egg (he put the plates down) and Meatballs. Enjoy your meal!
Anang waited for the waiter to leave and smiled nervously: I can go. I'm used to it.
Sam widened her eyes even more: Uh no no, it's okay. Your choices are none of my business. (she resumed more calmly) Sorry, I'm being rude. It's new and I'm kind of um... nervous.
Anang giggled: I thought I saw that. (She got serious again) They say that sluts have no morals or principles. (Sam froze at the word "sluts" and Anang guessed her problem) Why define a man who likes sex as a "Don Juan", and why "Slut" a woman who likes sex?
Sam understood: Oh.
Anang: To be a slut is to break the image of the respectable woman that society tries to impose and to construct your own sexual identity and physical appearance according to your own criteria.
Sam nodded politely, still nervous to bring up the subject: I understand.
Anang moved a hand: It's like when we are judged for our clothes. People judge without knowing why we wear them.
Sam swallowed, uncomfortable at having thought that just before: You look like you have an eventful life? (Anang chuckled at her choice of words and Sam quickly snapped back) Sorry.
Anang grabbed her cutlery: All people who fight for justice and fairness have an eventful life. Full of suffering and joy. (She tilted her head) Often more suffering.
Sam: Hmm. This job... it's not a bit...
Anang winced: No, stop it. Please. Don't tell me I'm selling my body. I don't feel like fighting tonight.
Sam frowned: Why? (she quickly recovered from Anang's jaded look) I mean, I do decide to sell mine by going into battle.
Anang smiled and clinked her glass with hers: We are in business.
Sam smiled and continued more seriously: Service.
Anang nodded: Precisely.
Sam moved her hand nervously: I was sold once, (Anang widened her eyes, not having read this report) I know the difference.
Anang nodded again and added lower: So what?
Sam quietly, a little worried: Risky?
Anang shrugged: There are risks, but it's not the job itself that is violent, it's the stigma that is violent. And then there are the pigs too.
Sam frowned: "Pigs"?
Anang moved her hands: Cops.
Sam raised her eyebrows: Cops?
Anang, jaded: The ones we have to give money to, the ones we have to offer our services to protect us (Sam widened her eyes) or to leave our clients alone and the ones who don't respect us...
Sam swallowed, bowed her head and continued to eat in silence. Anang saw her reaction, rolled her eyes and decided to change the subject.
Anang quietly: Want to talk about your release from active duty?
Sam looked up at her: Uh... No.
Anang grinned: Okay.
Silence.
Sam, nervously: Sorry. I'm not very good at new relationships either.
Anang: That's okay.
They looked at each other, smiled and shook their heads, and resumed their meal.
Silence.
Sam almost whispered: I met someone.
Anang, curious: Ha?
Sam grinned and tilted her head: To be honest, I've known him for a long time.
Anang cut a meatball: Okay?
Sam: Big fight a few days ago.
Anang: It happens.
Sam tilted her head, unconvinced: We've only been together two weeks.
Anang squirmed in her seat: Can I know what you're fighting about? (Sam nervously ticked at having said too much already and put her head back in her plate) Hmm. Two weeks. Maybe you're just trying to find your balance.
Sam played with something on her plate: Maybe.
Anang frowned: Didn't you lose your father two weeks ago? (she snapped) And break off your engagement?
Sam, uncomfortable: Eurh. Yes.
Anang stared at her for several seconds: Are you attached to each other? (Sam nodded) Good. Ups and downs.
Sam, pensive: Hmm. He's worried about me, which tends to make me want to scream.
Anang giggled Yeah, it sucks when people care about others, really. (Sam didn't answer, Anang spoke more softly) Maybe you're just angry or sad or both at the same time because of grief?
Sam played with a piece of her salad without looking up: Maybe.
Anang, skeptical of her behavior: Are you going to break up?
Sam, still not very optimistic: No, no.
Anang: And out of this fight?
Sam: Um, it's okay. I think so. (she moved her hand limply) He's afraid to control me. My brain right now is constantly fighting between my strong need for independence and...
She fell silent, uncomfortable and looked away.
Anang: Your dependence on him?
Sam tilted her head and winced at having to admit it to herself: Yeah.
Anang: One doesn't preclude the other, you know? (Sam looked at her questioningly) Independence is good. You do what you want, when you want, with whom you want. Free. Dependency on others is your brain telling you that you need help, support, love. When it's directed at a particular person, it's because they're giving you something you can't give yourself. Like a drug. You need a dose of something in particular.
Sam: And what would that be?
Anang: It often comes from a fear of abandonment that leads to a lack of self-confidence.
Sam grimaced: I have confidence in myself.
Anang in an extremely sarcastic tone: Yes, of course. All women have a lot of self-confidence, it is well known.
Silence.
Anang grimaced: Where do you think your fear of abandonment comes from?
Silence again.
Anang looked around and straightened up slightly: Okay. And you're the jealous type?
Sam, surprised, sharply: Where did you get that from?
Anang shrugged and swallowed a mouthful: I'm just asking. (she dodged a smile) But seeing your reaction...
Sam grimaced, nervous: Yes. (she looked away) Yes, I'm jealous. (she insisted to herself) Extremely.
Anang smiled: We're making progress. (she tilted her head) Tell me about it?
Silence.
Anang began to get bored of talking alone: Another woman? Other women? (Sam smiled nervously and remained silent) You were together?
Sam: No!
Anang, puzzled: Well?
Sam: Let's just say that he doesn't leave beautiful women indifferent and that...
Anang gave her a mischievous look: Reciprocally?
Sam swallowed: Precisely.
Anang: And so?
Sam frowned: "And so" what?
Anang: How did you feel about it? Depressed? Anxious? Scared?
Sam shook her head: More like angry.
Anang laughed: You wanted to gut him?
Sam frowned again, and added shyly: Rather them.
Anang stared at her in silence and took a sip of her beer: Why?
Sam looked up at her: What do you mean "why"?
Anang, even more puzzled: Why them and not him? (Sam looked back at her dish, confused by this question. Anang swallowed, then slowly resumed) You were angry with them, but you were angry with yourself for not giving you what you wanted. (Sam sharply raised her head to her and stared at her in disbelief) Basically, you don't care about them. You even think it's normal for him to sleep with other people because you do too, and... Well... weren't you together?
Sam thought for a long moment: Maybe.
Anang looked at her: Jealousy is a manifestation of possessiveness. (Sam frowned in incomprehension) We own the objects, right? Being used or reduced to an object is not very... Nice. (she moved a hand towards her) Well, you lived it by being sold.
Sam swallowed again and nodded: And?
Anang: And this object we are afraid to lose.
Sam frowned and thought for a few seconds. Shit, she'd had that talk with Dr. Williams and Dr. Dang this week, she reminded herself, being an object to the other. A toy. A puppet. To be controlled.
Sam: And that would come from... ?
Anang ventured: Fear of abandonment...?
Sam rolled her eyes and exhaled deeply: I don't lack confidence.
Anang frowned: You should talk to Bell about this. I'm not an expert, I'm just going by my own experience. (Sam was silent. Anang winced and hesitated) Were you jealous in your other relationships?
Sam, confused by this question: Eurh... (she lowered her head and thought) I don't know.
Silence.
Anang finished her plate: Will you call him?
Sam: I don't think so.
Anang: Well, one of you has to start a conversation and at least you've tried. (Sam gave her an unconvinced look and Anang moved her hand toward her) Test things even if you fail. Failing is not a sign of failure.
Sam nodded: In science too.
Anang finished her beer and worried: You didn't eat much. How are you doing?
Sam looked away and forced a smile: Hmm. I'm not very hungry.
Anang tried: Because of the fight?
Sam looked away: It's complicated.
Anang snapped: Oh. (she frowned) Doesn't the Army prohibit relationships between colleagues? (Sam widened her eyes) Haha, touché.
Sam closed her eyes, realizing that she had just been tricked. She cursed herself for not getting anywhere right now.
Sam shook her head and smiled for appearances: Only when the hierarchy is not the same.
Anang, far from being fooled: "Only”.
The waiter arrived: Is it finished? (Sam nodded even though her plate had barely been touched) Dessert?
Sam saw that Anang was shaking her head: No, thank you. (she grimaced) Sorry. It was very good, I'm just...
The waiter smiled at her: Don't worry.
Sam felt guilty: But the service was perfect. Thank you.
He left with a smile to thank her, Sam swallowed and became nervous again. Anang stared at her.
Anang: Shame, regrets & guilt
Sam looked at her: Hmm?
Anang: Nothing. Shall we go somewhere else?
Sam: Where?
Anang shrugged: It's your city. (She moved her hand) Take me to one of your favorite places.
Echo:
*So...? - So?*
*In one of the previous paragraphs "A little company would be nice." / You said you wanted company.*
* I guess everyone is. - Everyone reacts differently*
* this injunction to be perfect / I'm not perfect. / You look perfect. / But the service was perfect.*
*You seem to control everything that comes out of you / The problem with controlling yourself / He's afraid to control me.*
*Being happy becomes political. / To be happy / what really makes you happy?*
*Adelphity! - Adelphity? / The connection was adelphity. Adelphity brings everyone together / Making adelphity is about*
*And so?(x2) - And so? - "And so" what?*
*it was rough.(x2)*
*with feeling those emotions? / which emotions / To negative emotions!*
*My job is to read your files / This job… / in fact the only job / What "job"? / it's not the job itself *
*No, stop it. (x2)*
*Hungry? / cakes? / You're a baker / I like cake. / Enjoy your meal! / You didn't eat much. - I'm not very hungry. / Dessert?*
*you have an eventful life? / have an eventful life. *
*Full of suffering and joy. Often more suffering.*
*Your choices are none of my business./ Don't tell me I'm selling my body. / I do decide to sell mine by going into battle. / We are in business. / I was sold once*
*your whole body just wanted to fight? / wouldn't you be fighting like you are now? / All people who fight / I don't feel like fighting tonight. / is constantly fighting / Big fight / you're fighting about? / Because of the fight? / And out of this fight?*
*Risky? / There are risks*
*In an earlier paragraph: " It's just that the conflicts on Earth make me want to scream."/ which tends to make me want to scream.*
*All these wars and violence. / that is violent / that is violent. / Was he violent?*
*You were together? / weren't you together? *
*And then there are the pigs too. - "Pigs"? - Cops. - Cops?*
* I'm not very good at new relationships. / I'm not very good at new relationships either.*
*about two weeks ago. / been together two weeks./ Two weeks. / two weeks ago?*
*Maybe you're just trying / Maybe you're just angry / Maybe. (x3)*
*And your solution? / And so my solution... *
*I broke off my engagement / And break off your engagement?*
*my strong need for independence and… / Dependency on others / Your dependence on him? / Independence is good. / a particular person/ Like a drug. You need a dose of something in particular. something in particular.*
*Fear of abandonment...? / And this object we are afraid to lose. / Didn't you lose your father two weeks ago? a fear of abandonment / your fear of abandonment *
*a lack of self-confidence. / I have confidence in myself. / All women have a lot of self-confidence / I don't lack confidence. *
*And you're the jealous type? / Yes, I'm jealous. / Were you jealous in your other relationships? / Jealousy is a manifestation*
*That's why I was angry at you. / More like angry. / You were angry with them / you were angry with yourself*
*Why? - What do you mean "why"? - Why them and not him?*
*a manifestation of possessiveness. / reduced to an object / And this object / We own the objects*
*Test things even if you fail. Failing is not a sign of failure.*
*Only / "Only"*
*Precisely.(x2)*
Notes:
*The bar is called "shame & regrets". In this paragraph regrets are discussed again*
*translation: "Maaaaaa, giiwanimo": "lie/I can see that you are lying"*
*We have here the truth quark (source) with Anang saying this sentence to Sam (source), Sam saying "To be honest", and the up (source) and down (source) quarks when she says: "Ups and downs.”*
*My video on the quark writing game with the Carter character (source)*
*Writing game that compares "military service"(source) with the economic classification concept of "services and market goods (source)" / But the service was perfect*
*In chapter 8, when Sam reads the newspaper and tells Jack what is going on in the world, if you read the future news on the date she reads the newspaper, you will find evidence of this killing in this school*
*The profession of prostitution is seen as something negative in our society. The image of prostitutes in the media, movies, etc. is always told through the prism of an outsider who is not a prostitute herself, or confuses sexual exploitation with prostitution. These are two different subjects. We must fight for the rights of people who want to do this job and fight for people who want to get out of sexual exploitation. Ask the associations fighting for the rights of prostitutes for a better understanding, they also fight against sexual exploitation*
*I included this detail also because in SG-1 9x19, Vala says "By the looks on your faces, I can see you're not surprised I had more in common with the village harlot than I did with any of the ladies from the local knitting circle.", indeed there is no judgment on their part whether it is about Vala being friends with a prostitute or the prostitute herself. There is no comment even after the observation (very "Tauri-centric by the way, because it is a profession that can be totally socially accepted elsewhere in the Universe). We need a more positive representation of this profession!*
*From now on, I invite you to look more carefully at the ads around you, and try to understand why we systematically see a woman smiling or laughing at her green salad*
*Amanda Tapping said she had a hard time playing strong women because she didn't feel strong herself, but she also experienced sexism during her career as a director. I'm making the "military"/"science" connection here, imagining a Carter with two identities inside her who experiences micro aggression because she is in two rather gendered "male" professional worlds, especially at the time. I can't imagine the duality that Amanda Tapping felt throughout her career, but also the pressure to be a strong representation of the time, but remember that there is also the emphasis on the Air Force, not only via its scientific field*
*In this study of sociology, you will understand Anang's comment on honor and medals: "By decorating soldiers, the leaders of the army - and the rulers who institute the distinctions - intend to honor, distinguish, and glorify the most valiant among them. Through medals, citations and ceremonies, that is to say through the three elements of positive sanction, they symbolically celebrate the bravery, the courage, the heroism that these soldiers have shown through their feats of arms. Their decoration then proceeds from an "individual instrumentation of greatness, prestige, honor " (source)*
*I am highlighting here the lack of representation of badass women at the time on screen for young women, who saw in Carter's character a model to follow, forgetting to take into account the oppressive bias of our society to be perfect and to follow the same path as her in the military, forgetting that Stargate was sponsored by the Air Force. The concept of "Mary Sue" is sexist. (source) (source)*
*When Anang says "They debate, sell the tabloid and go back to their normalcy.", Sam looks down and is uncomfortable. As a reminder in my chapter 7 when she tells Jack about her rapes: “The hardest part is that it's becoming the norm. History repeats itself. Constantly. Continuously. On a loop. It's always the same thing.”*
*Article on sex work with a comparison with the army (source)*
*Article: The Invention of Woman, a colonial history of gender (source)*
*Information on the disappearances and murders of indigenous people (source)*
*Association: MMIP | Who Is Missing (source)*
*Feminist illustration: Clothes have no gender (source)*
*Explanation of what Red Dress Day is (source)*
*Article: How red dresses became a symbol for missing and murdered indigenous women (source)*
*Video: what doesn't kill you doesn't always make you stronger (source)*
*Article: Canadian police charged an alleged serial killer with four counts of first-degree murder of Indigenous women in Winnipeg, Canada. (source)*
*Video: When will the protection of Indigenous women, girls and two-spirited be taken seriously? (source)*
*Video: Uncomfortable feelings can be the most powerful teachers. (source)*
*Information about Jeff Weise (source)*
*Quote from Farida D: “a slut doesn't exist, except in the mind of a person conditioned to believe that a woman enjoying sex the way men do is somehow deviant.” (source)*
*Illustration: Clothing has no gender (source)*
*Article: Red Dress Day (source)*
*Article: How Red Dresses Became a Symbol for Missing and Murdered Indigenous Women (source)*
*Article: “as a veteran of the u.s. air force i support the hell out of this message!: “dudes be like ‘at least i’m not selling my body’ but r in the military.” and guess who separated from that very military with a disability? “aim high” they said—fuck that, i did my time and aimed higher! (source)*
*Article: Why are the police called cops, pigs, or the fuzz? (source)*
*Article: What is the origin of derogatorily calling police officers "pigs"? (source)*
*Article: Tennessee Rep. Andy Ogles shared his Christmas card from last year, which shows his family holding assault rifles. (source)*
*Article: Never forget that the largest mass shooting in U.S. history was committed by the government (source)*
Bonus:
*Click here*
*and click here*
CW: *white fragility* *civilization erasure* *colonialism* *capitalism* *mention of physical and sexual assault*
After a ten-minute drive, they reached the park, which was closed to visitors at that time of day. Sam rolled down her window to smile at the guardian and he opened the gate to the employee-only road, returning her smile. She parked the car and invited her to follow her down a path. Far enough away from the lights of the city, the park offered a magnificent view of Colorado Springs but more importantly, of the Milky Way. The snowy white peak of Pikes Peak glowed in the dark and the misshapen silhouettes of the rocks clad the sky.
Anang admired the view: Wow.
Sam smiled and took a deep breath of fresh air: Apache, Cheyenne and Utes. (Anang questioned her with her eyes and Sam invited her to sit on the edge of the precipice) The guardian told me that this was their territory. (she tilted her head and murmured uncomfortably) Before. (she took out a digital music player and handed one of the headphones to Anang) Here. (Anang questioned her with her eyes and Sam put on the other headphone) I love doing this. Do you know about sonification?
Anang put the earpiece: No?
Sam: This is the process of translating data into sound. In 1990 the Hubble Space Telescope was launched. (she looked up at the sky and pointed to a spot) There. (she rested her arm) With it you will hear celestial bodies about 26,000 light years away from Earth. (Anang widened her eyes) Some of them have even disappeared long ago.
Anang, impressed: It's the music from space!?
Sam smiles at her enthusiasm: Ready?
Anang: Ready! (they listened in silence for several minutes while getting lost in the sky) My ancestors had another system for naming the stars. (Sam questioned her with her eyes and Anang pointed to the constellation Pegasus) Mooz, (she translated) moose. (she pointed to the little bear) Maang, loon. (she pointed to the moon) Dibik-giizis. (she tilted her head) Which means night sun. Giizis, sun.
Sam: Milky Way?
Anang smiles at her curiosity: We have two words. Jiibaykona, Path of the Spirit, and Jiibay Ziibi, River of Souls. A path or road to another world. (Sam smiles as he compares this to the Stargates) In Australia, some aboriginal groups see the Milky Way as a bridge to dreamtime. A path to the afterlife that spirits can follow. I love finding similarities in different cultures (she tilted her head) other than white people. (Sam seemed uncomfortable with the term and Anang tingled at her reaction) What? You're white, that's a fact.
Sam looked up at the sky, nervous to bring up the subject: I know.
Anang frowned: Oh, did I offend you? (Sam remained silent, not knowing what to say) Do you realize that you are offended because I just told you that you are white for potentially the first time in your life when I am reminded every day of my skin color? (Sam froze and felt that answering her that Bell had done the same style of thinking two days ago was going to be inappropriate) Think of a constellation. Not a single star.
Sam frowned, confused: What?
Anang: A star is one person, an individual vision. A constellation is many stars, a systemic vision, like... Like a system, a society. Normally society takes all individual thoughts and leaves no one behind, but this is not the case. See a bigger picture. (she insisted) Not just you.
Sam stammered: I... I don't follow you.
Anang moved her hand, slightly annoyed: Forget it. (Sam winced but did not insist for fear of upsetting her further. They stared at the sky in silence for a moment, then Anang calmly resumed) Your scientific standards have erased our culture and traditions so that yours can become the norm. (Sam turned her head towards her) I am trying to learn these things, these words, so that I can pass something on to the younger generations. (she whispered) So that we don't disappear.
Sam moistened her lips in nervousness, sympathetic to her feelings but unsure of how to respond. The wind picked up and Sam got a quick headache that disappeared with the wind. She frowned and Anang saw her strange reaction.
Anang: Noodin. (Sam fixed her hair and they looked at the stars again in silence for a moment. Anang continued wistfully) Your societies are saturated with your science. (Sam turned her head towards her again, Anang's eyes remained on the star) Animals, plants and even mountains are seen as resources, things to be used. (Sam looked down at the memory of their discussion about viewing others as objects because of jealousy) We view things differently, we are the guardians. (she turned her head towards her and smiled) This is our home.
Sam hesitated: I understand but... So do we. (she moved her hand) The scientific community has been warning for years about the dangers of overexploiting its resou-
She fell silent at Anang's smile and realized that she was about to say exactly what she had said.
Anang moved her hand toward her and looked at the horizon: Look at this place. Look at these mountains, these rivers. Look at the beauty of this moment. We all share this house. Do you consider this place a resource? (She turned her head toward the scientist and Sam shook her head. Anang smiled slightly at her answer.) Do you come here to isolate yourself? (Sam questioned her with her eyes) There's no one, far from the city and the guardian knows you.
Sam, a little distraught: Eurh. yes. (she tilted her head, a little ashamed to admit it) I'm not very sociable.
Anang moved her legs in the air and dodged a smile: Not much chance of going to a nightclub afterwards then?
Sam giggles: Oh my God. (She insisted) Not a chance.
Anang laughed silently and looked up at the sky: It would have been a nice study of your people.
Sam, slightly apprehensive that she would come back to her skin color: My people?
Anang gave her an obvious look: Humans.
Sam smiled, slightly reassured, but felt like she had to justify herself: Not my thing. Too many people. Too hot. Too humid. Too much noise. In short-
Anang smiles wryly: Too?
Sam smiled: Too. (she imitated her and moved her legs in the air thinking about Janet) A friend of mine wanted to take me there a few years ago.
Anang chuckled: Let me guess. She persuaded you by playing with your scientific curiosity?
Sam nodded several times and smiled: She could really be a pain in the ass when she wanted to! (Anang smiled but noticed the tense of her sentence. Sam took a falsely serious tone) Very instructive. Ten revolutionary minutes for the scientific community.
Anang turned his head towards her, surprised: Ten minutes?
Sam gave her an obvious look: Before she surrendered and we went home (Anang smiled and Sam insisted) Result of my study on my people: The number of hands on my ass was proportional to my desire to throw punches.
Anang winced: Ewww. Sorry.
Sam felt a few drops and stood up: Let's go home.
Echo:
*in a previous paragraph: "Take me to one of your favorite places." / A friend of mine wanted to take me there a few years ago. “*
*Too many people. Too hot. Too humid. Too much noise. / Too? - Too.*
*Look at (x3)*
*this place / Do you consider this place a resource? / are seen as resources, / the dangers of overexploiting its resou-*
*Ten revolutionary minutes / Ten minutes?*
*This is our home. / we went home / Let's go home. *
*Not much chance of / Not a chance.*
*of your people. - My people? / Too many people. / Result of my study on my people*
*The scientific community / for the scientific community. / with your science. / Your scientific standards / with your scientific curiosity?*
*even mountains / these mountains*
* we are the guardians. / the guardian(x2)*
*an individual vision./ all individual thoughts*
*Think of a constellation. Not a single star. / A star is one person / A constellation is many stars, celestial bodies / sun / moon / ...*
*Ready? - Ready!*
*Some of them have even disappeared long ago. / So that we don't disappear.*
*My ancestors had another system for / a systemic vision, like... Like a system, a society.*
*In an earlier paragraph, Anang says “ from the local rivers” River of Souls. / these rivers.*
*Your societies are / a society / Normally society*
*Path of the Spirit / A path or road to another world / A path to the afterlife that spirits can follow.*
*The snowy white peak / Other than white people. / You're white / I just told you that you are white*
*Oh, did I offend you? / you are offended*
Notes:
*"Noodin" translation: "It's windy "*
*You have the beauty quark(click) here, with Anang's phrase: "Look at the beauty of this moment.*
*This whole paragraph is reminiscent of my first chapter at the funeral of Sam's mother:
The child looked again at Sam: Death is only the beginning of the journey.
(...)
Hon stood up and held out her hand: Come. Let's go say goodbye to your mom.
Sam shook her head and held back from crying: No.
Hon looked at her and put her hand back: Why?
Sam lowered her head, a tear rolled down her cheek: Because if I go, we'll burn her.
Hon: Like meteorites entering the atmosphere.*
*Remember Jack is talking about the Minnesota loons?*
*The information that the place belonged to the Apache, Cheyenne and Utes came from my research on the native map*
*Kytano says "Yet again, you remind me your ways are different. We should abandon centuries of Jaffa tradition and follow the ways of the Tau'ri. Which of us is arrogant?” This is something that bothered me a lot in Stargate with Teal'c in particular, who abandons his Jaffa traditions over the seasons. We can put in parallel the integration of the exiled people and the judgment of the colonizers on the traditions of the colonized people*
*At the beginning of their girls' night out, the radio switches on the news "Australia has just announced the redeployment of its special forces to Afghanistan...Recall that Australia withdrew its troops in December 2002 and the United States had-" Sam turns off the radio and Anang tells him that this is a privilege. In this paragraph, Anang says "In Australia, some aboriginal groups see…." and explains the disappearance of indigenous cultures by white people*
*Small case study, search "Cherokee" on google image. You will find cars, not the first indigenous people*
*Cartoon: Understanding the importance of different feminisms (source)*
*Video of comedian Zain Sharif: "people of color" (source)*
*Video: Nasa releases audio recording of the "sound" of a black hole (source)*
*Article: Sonification of data : Sounds of the Milky Way (source)*
*Information on the Hubble Telescope (source)*
*Information about Pikes Peak (source)*
*Video: A Tour of Data Sonification: Sounds of the Milky Way (source)*
*Information about sonification (source)*
*Study: Aboriginal Skywatchers and the Ojibwe Giizhig Anung Masinaaigan - Ojibwe, Sky Star Map (source)*
After a ten-minute drive, they reached the park, which was closed to visitors at that time of day. Sam rolled down her window to smile at the guardian and he opened the gate to the employee-only road, returning her smile. She parked the car and invited her to follow her down a path. Far enough away from the lights of the city, the park offered a magnificent view of Colorado Springs but more importantly, of the Milky Way. The snowy white peak of Pikes Peak glowed in the dark and the misshapen silhouettes of the rocks clad the sky.
Anang admired the view: Wow.
Sam smiled and took a deep breath of fresh air: Apache, Cheyenne and Utes. (Anang questioned her with her eyes and Sam invited her to sit on the edge of the precipice) The guardian told me that this was their territory. (she tilted her head and murmured uncomfortably) Before. (she took out a digital music player and handed one of the headphones to Anang) Here. (Anang questioned her with her eyes and Sam put on the other headphone) I love doing this. Do you know about sonification?
Anang put the earpiece: No?
Sam: This is the process of translating data into sound. In 1990 the Hubble Space Telescope was launched. (she looked up at the sky and pointed to a spot) There. (she rested her arm) With it you will hear celestial bodies about 26,000 light years away from Earth. (Anang widened her eyes) Some of them have even disappeared long ago.
Anang, impressed: It's the music from space!?
Sam smiles at her enthusiasm: Ready?
Anang: Ready! (they listened in silence for several minutes while getting lost in the sky) My ancestors had another system for naming the stars. (Sam questioned her with her eyes and Anang pointed to the constellation Pegasus) Mooz, (she translated) moose. (she pointed to the little bear) Maang, loon. (she pointed to the moon) Dibik-giizis. (she tilted her head) Which means night sun. Giizis, sun.
Sam: Milky Way?
Anang smiles at her curiosity: We have two words. Jiibaykona, Path of the Spirit, and Jiibay Ziibi, River of Souls. A path or road to another world. (Sam smiles as he compares this to the Stargates) In Australia, some aboriginal groups see the Milky Way as a bridge to dreamtime. A path to the afterlife that spirits can follow. I love finding similarities in different cultures (she tilted her head) other than white people. (Sam seemed uncomfortable with the term and Anang tingled at her reaction) What? You're white, that's a fact.
Sam looked up at the sky, nervous to bring up the subject: I know.
Anang frowned: Oh, did I offend you? (Sam remained silent, not knowing what to say) Do you realize that you are offended because I just told you that you are white for potentially the first time in your life when I am reminded every day of my skin color? (Sam froze and felt that answering her that Bell had done the same style of thinking two days ago was going to be inappropriate) Think of a constellation. Not a single star.
Sam frowned, confused: What?
Anang: A star is one person, an individual vision. A constellation is many stars, a systemic vision, like... Like a system, a society. Normally society takes all individual thoughts and leaves no one behind, but this is not the case. See a bigger picture. (she insisted) Not just you.
Sam stammered: I... I don't follow you.
Anang moved her hand, slightly annoyed: Forget it. (Sam winced but did not insist for fear of upsetting her further. They stared at the sky in silence for a moment, then Anang calmly resumed) Your scientific standards have erased our culture and traditions so that yours can become the norm. (Sam turned her head towards her) I am trying to learn these things, these words, so that I can pass something on to the younger generations. (she whispered) So that we don't disappear.
Sam moistened her lips in nervousness, sympathetic to her feelings but unsure of how to respond. The wind picked up and Sam got a quick headache that disappeared with the wind. She frowned and Anang saw her strange reaction.
Anang: Noodin. (Sam fixed her hair and they looked at the stars again in silence for a moment. Anang continued wistfully) Your societies are saturated with your science. (Sam turned her head towards her again, Anang's eyes remained on the star) Animals, plants and even mountains are seen as resources, things to be used. (Sam looked down at the memory of their discussion about viewing others as objects because of jealousy) We view things differently, we are the guardians. (she turned her head towards her and smiled) This is our home.
Sam hesitated: I understand but... So do we. (she moved her hand) The scientific community has been warning for years about the dangers of overexploiting its resou-
She fell silent at Anang's smile and realized that she was about to say exactly what she had said.
Anang moved her hand toward her and looked at the horizon: Look at this place. Look at these mountains, these rivers. Look at the beauty of this moment. We all share this house. Do you consider this place a resource? (She turned her head toward the scientist and Sam shook her head. Anang smiled slightly at her answer.) Do you come here to isolate yourself? (Sam questioned her with her eyes) There's no one, far from the city and the guardian knows you.
Sam, a little distraught: Eurh. yes. (she tilted her head, a little ashamed to admit it) I'm not very sociable.
Anang moved her legs in the air and dodged a smile: Not much chance of going to a nightclub afterwards then?
Sam giggles: Oh my God. (She insisted) Not a chance.
Anang laughed silently and looked up at the sky: It would have been a nice study of your people.
Sam, slightly apprehensive that she would come back to her skin color: My people?
Anang gave her an obvious look: Humans.
Sam smiled, slightly reassured, but felt like she had to justify herself: Not my thing. Too many people. Too hot. Too humid. Too much noise. In short-
Anang smiles wryly: Too?
Sam smiled: Too. (she imitated her and moved her legs in the air thinking about Janet) A friend of mine wanted to take me there a few years ago.
Anang chuckled: Let me guess. She persuaded you by playing with your scientific curiosity?
Sam nodded several times and smiled: She could really be a pain in the ass when she wanted to! (Anang smiled but noticed the tense of her sentence. Sam took a falsely serious tone) Very instructive. Ten revolutionary minutes for the scientific community.
Anang turned his head towards her, surprised: Ten minutes?
Sam gave her an obvious look: Before she surrendered and we went home (Anang smiled and Sam insisted) Result of my study on my people: The number of hands on my ass was proportional to my desire to throw punches.
Anang winced: Ewww. Sorry.
Sam felt a few drops and stood up: Let's go home.
Echo:
*in a previous paragraph: "Take me to one of your favorite places." / A friend of mine wanted to take me there a few years ago. “*
*Too many people. Too hot. Too humid. Too much noise. / Too? - Too.*
*Look at (x3)*
*this place / Do you consider this place a resource? / are seen as resources, / the dangers of overexploiting its resou-*
*Ten revolutionary minutes / Ten minutes?*
*This is our home. / we went home / Let's go home. *
*Not much chance of / Not a chance.*
*of your people. - My people? / Too many people. / Result of my study on my people*
*The scientific community / for the scientific community. / with your science. / Your scientific standards / with your scientific curiosity?*
*even mountains / these mountains*
* we are the guardians. / the guardian(x2)*
*an individual vision./ all individual thoughts*
*Think of a constellation. Not a single star. / A star is one person / A constellation is many stars, celestial bodies / sun / moon / ...*
*Ready? - Ready!*
*Some of them have even disappeared long ago. / So that we don't disappear.*
*My ancestors had another system for / a systemic vision, like... Like a system, a society.*
*In an earlier paragraph, Anang says “ from the local rivers” River of Souls. / these rivers.*
*Your societies are / a society / Normally society*
*Path of the Spirit / A path or road to another world / A path to the afterlife that spirits can follow.*
*The snowy white peak / Other than white people. / You're white / I just told you that you are white*
*Oh, did I offend you? / you are offended*
Notes:
*"Noodin" translation: "It's windy "*
*You have the beauty quark(click) here, with Anang's phrase: "Look at the beauty of this moment.*
*This whole paragraph is reminiscent of my first chapter at the funeral of Sam's mother:
The child looked again at Sam: Death is only the beginning of the journey.
(...)
Hon stood up and held out her hand: Come. Let's go say goodbye to your mom.
Sam shook her head and held back from crying: No.
Hon looked at her and put her hand back: Why?
Sam lowered her head, a tear rolled down her cheek: Because if I go, we'll burn her.
Hon: Like meteorites entering the atmosphere.*
*Remember Jack is talking about the Minnesota loons?*
*The information that the place belonged to the Apache, Cheyenne and Utes came from my research on the native map*
*Kytano says "Yet again, you remind me your ways are different. We should abandon centuries of Jaffa tradition and follow the ways of the Tau'ri. Which of us is arrogant?” This is something that bothered me a lot in Stargate with Teal'c in particular, who abandons his Jaffa traditions over the seasons. We can put in parallel the integration of the exiled people and the judgment of the colonizers on the traditions of the colonized people*
*At the beginning of their girls' night out, the radio switches on the news "Australia has just announced the redeployment of its special forces to Afghanistan...Recall that Australia withdrew its troops in December 2002 and the United States had-" Sam turns off the radio and Anang tells him that this is a privilege. In this paragraph, Anang says "In Australia, some aboriginal groups see…." and explains the disappearance of indigenous cultures by white people*
*Small case study, search "Cherokee" on google image. You will find cars, not the first indigenous people*
*Cartoon: Understanding the importance of different feminisms (source)*
*Video of comedian Zain Sharif: "people of color" (source)*
*Video: Nasa releases audio recording of the "sound" of a black hole (source)*
*Article: Sonification of data : Sounds of the Milky Way (source)*
*Information on the Hubble Telescope (source)*
*Information about Pikes Peak (source)*
*Video: A Tour of Data Sonification: Sounds of the Milky Way (source)*
*Information about sonification (source)*
*Study: Aboriginal Skywatchers and the Ojibwe Giizhig Anung Masinaaigan - Ojibwe, Sky Star Map (source)*
CW: *mention of drugs* *mention of ableism and psychophobia*
Back in town, Anang opened the car window and enjoyed the cool evening air as she danced her hand outside, catching the light rain. She seemed happy about the evening, Sam smiled and thought it was a good idea actually, this invitation. For both of them. Arriving at the city center, Anang asked her to stop for a few minutes. She got out of the car and walked towards a group of young people. She chatted with them for a minute, hugged one of the members, pulled away from him while sliding her hands down his forearms and then took his hands. She continued to talk with him for a short time, nodded her head and laughed with them, returned to Sam's side with her hands in her pockets and got back into the car.
Sam started the car again: I thought you didn't know anyone here?
Anang: I bought them something.
Sam froze: What?
Anang: Save your judgments, I've read your files. (Sam tilted her head at her shaky argument and Anang insisted) Ya do drink alcohol.
Sam chuckled: Oh please.
Anang continued to defend herself: And it's practically legal.
Sam, still not convinced: Therapeutically speaking.
Anang confirmed: Exactly.
Sam smiled wryly: And you just gave your prescription to this charming doctor who works overtime on his own time?
Anang: You want his number? (Sam questioned her with her eyes) "Charming"?
Sam, puzzled: I'm not alone.
Anang shrugged a shoulder and Sam questioned her with her eyes, surprised at her behavior.
Anang moved a hand: I’m niizh manidoowag, self-partner and whore. Don't start that kind of discussion if you're not ready.
Echo:
*In a previous paragraph, Anang says "I don't know anyone here." / I thought you didn't know anyone here?*
* this charming doctor / "Charming"?*
*previous paragraph "ready? Ready!" / if you're not ready.*
Notes:
*And so here is the last quark, charm quark(click), to close this chapter*
*Stargate Origins was released in 2018 and it shows Catherine smoking something hallucinogenic, without it being perceived as "bad". There is an evolution of morals.
There has always been a demonization of the use of cannabis - and the people who use it - without trying to understand the reason for their use: ineffective medicines, difficult to access, bad image (ableism and psychophobic) of taking treatments for one's health (mental or physical)...
Having the representation of Catherine in Stargate Origins smoking recreationally and moving the plot forward (she understands things as she puffs) is great. And there are no more judgments about her choice to smoke.
Indigenous Life Movement also says: "For decades, black and brown communities, especially young people, have been criminalized for drugs in the justice system and in society for a plant, while white people who smoked or sold as much did not receive the same stigma that we are discussing today.*
*Information on the legalization of cannabis in Colorado (source)*
*Article: Alcohol is the only drug people question you for not using (source)*
*Video: Why do you judge the homeless for drinking alcohol? (source)*
*Study: Bisexuals use more cannabis to cope with their difficulties than gay or straight people. They also have higher rates of anxiety, depression and suicidal ideation than gay and straight people (source)*
*The indigenous peoples were not allowed to dance for several years. It was written into the law. That's why Anang dances with her fingers, says “They say I had to grow up too fast because of my traumas. Now I want to dance, sing, have fun, like... Like to get back that part of me that was stolen, you know? ” and suggests to Sam to go to a nightclub (source)*
*Article: 8 feminist canabis founders (source)*
*Article: stop the war on drugs (source)*
Back in town, Anang opened the car window and enjoyed the cool evening air as she danced her hand outside, catching the light rain. She seemed happy about the evening, Sam smiled and thought it was a good idea actually, this invitation. For both of them. Arriving at the city center, Anang asked her to stop for a few minutes. She got out of the car and walked towards a group of young people. She chatted with them for a minute, hugged one of the members, pulled away from him while sliding her hands down his forearms and then took his hands. She continued to talk with him for a short time, nodded her head and laughed with them, returned to Sam's side with her hands in her pockets and got back into the car.
Sam started the car again: I thought you didn't know anyone here?
Anang: I bought them something.
Sam froze: What?
Anang: Save your judgments, I've read your files. (Sam tilted her head at her shaky argument and Anang insisted) Ya do drink alcohol.
Sam chuckled: Oh please.
Anang continued to defend herself: And it's practically legal.
Sam, still not convinced: Therapeutically speaking.
Anang confirmed: Exactly.
Sam smiled wryly: And you just gave your prescription to this charming doctor who works overtime on his own time?
Anang: You want his number? (Sam questioned her with her eyes) "Charming"?
Sam, puzzled: I'm not alone.
Anang shrugged a shoulder and Sam questioned her with her eyes, surprised at her behavior.
Anang moved a hand: I’m niizh manidoowag, self-partner and whore. Don't start that kind of discussion if you're not ready.
Echo:
*In a previous paragraph, Anang says "I don't know anyone here." / I thought you didn't know anyone here?*
* this charming doctor / "Charming"?*
*previous paragraph "ready? Ready!" / if you're not ready.*
Notes:
*And so here is the last quark, charm quark(click), to close this chapter*
*Stargate Origins was released in 2018 and it shows Catherine smoking something hallucinogenic, without it being perceived as "bad". There is an evolution of morals.
There has always been a demonization of the use of cannabis - and the people who use it - without trying to understand the reason for their use: ineffective medicines, difficult to access, bad image (ableism and psychophobic) of taking treatments for one's health (mental or physical)...
Having the representation of Catherine in Stargate Origins smoking recreationally and moving the plot forward (she understands things as she puffs) is great. And there are no more judgments about her choice to smoke.
Indigenous Life Movement also says: "For decades, black and brown communities, especially young people, have been criminalized for drugs in the justice system and in society for a plant, while white people who smoked or sold as much did not receive the same stigma that we are discussing today.*
*Information on the legalization of cannabis in Colorado (source)*
*Article: Alcohol is the only drug people question you for not using (source)*
*Video: Why do you judge the homeless for drinking alcohol? (source)*
*Study: Bisexuals use more cannabis to cope with their difficulties than gay or straight people. They also have higher rates of anxiety, depression and suicidal ideation than gay and straight people (source)*
*The indigenous peoples were not allowed to dance for several years. It was written into the law. That's why Anang dances with her fingers, says “They say I had to grow up too fast because of my traumas. Now I want to dance, sing, have fun, like... Like to get back that part of me that was stolen, you know? ” and suggests to Sam to go to a nightclub (source)*
*Article: 8 feminist canabis founders (source)*
*Article: stop the war on drugs (source)*