CW: *grief* *death*
The phone had been in her hands for a good ten minutes, but her finger refused to press the call button. Sam was trying to spare her little brother the pain of losing their last parent for a few more moments. She finally made up her mind and made the call.
(TEL) Sam: Hey, it's me.
(TEL) Mark: Sam, how are you?
(TEL) Sam: Dad is dead.
She closed her eyes, her mouth had executed the frontal attack option apparently... Failed for the delicacy her brain had wished for beforehand.
(TEL) Mark, in a whisper: What?
(TEL) Sam: Sorry. I... he died a few hours ago. It was very quick and I couldn't call you.
(TEL) Mark: But how? I thought he was OK? He-he was supposed to arrive in a few hours to see us...
(TEL) Sam lied to preserve him: A sudden attack.
(TEL) Mark: He was with you?
(TEL) Sam swallowed and looked away: Yes, he didn't suffer. It was very quick.
Silence.
(TEL) Mark: When... I mean... for the ceremony?
(TEL) Sam: I... I think we can schedule it for the end of the week if that's okay?
(TEL) Mark took a deep breath: Yeah... With Mom?
(TEL) Sam: That's what he asked.
(TEL) Mark: Yeah. (a touch of bitterness in his voice) No religious ceremony.
(TEL) Sam winced slightly: Yeah.
Silence.
(TEL) Mark stammered: H-How are you... Are you okay?
(TEL) Sam: I'm fine.
(TEL) Mark: Pete is with you? (she closed her eyes, put her hand on her forehead and leaned her elbow on the worktop) Sam?
(TEL) Sam in a breath: I broke up.
(TEL) Mark: What? But... I thought everything was fine? What about the wedding?
Jack appeared in the doorway with a decisive step. When he saw the young woman on the phone, he stepped back for fear of disturbing her. She saw him out of the corner of her eye, straightened up and made a slight gesture with her hand to indicate that she was soon at his disposal. He waited and put his hands in his pockets, a little uncomfortable.
(TEL) Sam: Can we talk about this later?
(TEL) Mark: Um. Shall we call each other about the organization?
(TEL) Sam turned to the wall: Yes, thanks. Tonight, if you're free?
Jack quietly looked up at her. Hm. Deja vu. That must have been Pete.
(TEL) Mark: Okay, I will call you tonight.
(TEL) Sam: Bye.
She hung up the phone on the wall and turned her seat towards her superior.
Jack tapped nervously on the counter with one hand: You all right?
Stupid and redundant question, he thought.
Sam nodded: If I could have a few days to get organized, my brother and I would like to bury him in Memphis with (she tilted her head and smiled nervously) our mother.
Jack: Sure. Take as much time as you need. (she nodded, grateful) Daniel and Teal'c have offered to help. We can contact the caterer or take care of the paperwork.
Sam: I'll do it, sir.
Jack: Please, Carter. Jacob was a friend of ours.
Sam swallows, then shyly: Okay.
Jack: Call us as soon as you have the information. We'll take care of the rest.
She nodded, tears starting to well up and she lowered her head so as not to cry in front of him. She was doing pretty well though, she reassured herself, it was just the grieving process.
Jack understood that she seemed embarrassed to be not well: I leave you.
Alone, she put her elbows on her desk, her head in her hands and finally let the tears she was holding fall. Jack took a few steps and then stopped, closing his eyes. He had promised her he would always be there for her not even a few hours ago. It didn't ring true. He frowned, turned around and walked briskly back to the lab. He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw her.
Sam, caught off guard, sat up and dried her tears: Uh?
Jack winced and looked away: I... (He insisted) If I can do anything...
She shook her head negatively, gave a fake smile and put her arms crossed over her stomach, uncomfortable.
Jack tapped again on her desk: So?
Sam: I don't want to disturb, sir.
Jack frowned: Carter. (she winced and bowed her head) Tell me.
Sam, very quickly: Come with me. Daniel, Teal'c and yourself. And... I... (almost in a whisper) To be honest, the idea of telling General Hammond...
She winced and looked down again, unable to continue and feeling ashamed to ask so much.
Jack: Okay.
She looked up sharply, they looked at each other for a few seconds, and then he nodded as if he was going.
The phone had been in her hands for a good ten minutes, but her finger refused to press the call button. Sam was trying to spare her little brother the pain of losing their last parent for a few more moments. She finally made up her mind and made the call.
(TEL) Sam: Hey, it's me.
(TEL) Mark: Sam, how are you?
(TEL) Sam: Dad is dead.
She closed her eyes, her mouth had executed the frontal attack option apparently... Failed for the delicacy her brain had wished for beforehand.
(TEL) Mark, in a whisper: What?
(TEL) Sam: Sorry. I... he died a few hours ago. It was very quick and I couldn't call you.
(TEL) Mark: But how? I thought he was OK? He-he was supposed to arrive in a few hours to see us...
(TEL) Sam lied to preserve him: A sudden attack.
(TEL) Mark: He was with you?
(TEL) Sam swallowed and looked away: Yes, he didn't suffer. It was very quick.
Silence.
(TEL) Mark: When... I mean... for the ceremony?
(TEL) Sam: I... I think we can schedule it for the end of the week if that's okay?
(TEL) Mark took a deep breath: Yeah... With Mom?
(TEL) Sam: That's what he asked.
(TEL) Mark: Yeah. (a touch of bitterness in his voice) No religious ceremony.
(TEL) Sam winced slightly: Yeah.
Silence.
(TEL) Mark stammered: H-How are you... Are you okay?
(TEL) Sam: I'm fine.
(TEL) Mark: Pete is with you? (she closed her eyes, put her hand on her forehead and leaned her elbow on the worktop) Sam?
(TEL) Sam in a breath: I broke up.
(TEL) Mark: What? But... I thought everything was fine? What about the wedding?
Jack appeared in the doorway with a decisive step. When he saw the young woman on the phone, he stepped back for fear of disturbing her. She saw him out of the corner of her eye, straightened up and made a slight gesture with her hand to indicate that she was soon at his disposal. He waited and put his hands in his pockets, a little uncomfortable.
(TEL) Sam: Can we talk about this later?
(TEL) Mark: Um. Shall we call each other about the organization?
(TEL) Sam turned to the wall: Yes, thanks. Tonight, if you're free?
Jack quietly looked up at her. Hm. Deja vu. That must have been Pete.
(TEL) Mark: Okay, I will call you tonight.
(TEL) Sam: Bye.
She hung up the phone on the wall and turned her seat towards her superior.
Jack tapped nervously on the counter with one hand: You all right?
Stupid and redundant question, he thought.
Sam nodded: If I could have a few days to get organized, my brother and I would like to bury him in Memphis with (she tilted her head and smiled nervously) our mother.
Jack: Sure. Take as much time as you need. (she nodded, grateful) Daniel and Teal'c have offered to help. We can contact the caterer or take care of the paperwork.
Sam: I'll do it, sir.
Jack: Please, Carter. Jacob was a friend of ours.
Sam swallows, then shyly: Okay.
Jack: Call us as soon as you have the information. We'll take care of the rest.
She nodded, tears starting to well up and she lowered her head so as not to cry in front of him. She was doing pretty well though, she reassured herself, it was just the grieving process.
Jack understood that she seemed embarrassed to be not well: I leave you.
Alone, she put her elbows on her desk, her head in her hands and finally let the tears she was holding fall. Jack took a few steps and then stopped, closing his eyes. He had promised her he would always be there for her not even a few hours ago. It didn't ring true. He frowned, turned around and walked briskly back to the lab. He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw her.
Sam, caught off guard, sat up and dried her tears: Uh?
Jack winced and looked away: I... (He insisted) If I can do anything...
She shook her head negatively, gave a fake smile and put her arms crossed over her stomach, uncomfortable.
Jack tapped again on her desk: So?
Sam: I don't want to disturb, sir.
Jack frowned: Carter. (she winced and bowed her head) Tell me.
Sam, very quickly: Come with me. Daniel, Teal'c and yourself. And... I... (almost in a whisper) To be honest, the idea of telling General Hammond...
She winced and looked down again, unable to continue and feeling ashamed to ask so much.
Jack: Okay.
She looked up sharply, they looked at each other for a few seconds, and then he nodded as if he was going.
It was a beautiful day. The spring sun, early this year, warmed hearts just enough and gave Teal'c a good excuse to wear his hat. Many people had come to the funeral, both civilians and military.
Daniel, Jack and Teal'c followed the crowd. Daniel spotted Sam walking in the distance of the cemetery, talking to some unknown people. He frowned, having a strange feeling that something was wrong but not being able to define what exactly.
Daniel: I don't know about you, but Sam worries me.
And as he said this sentence, flashes appeared before his eyes as well as strange impressions. Disgust, guilt, shame, sadness... No, not sadness, despair. Daniel's face broke down.
Jack gave him a jaded look: It’s her father’s funeral, Daniel.
No, it couldn't be true, Daniel thought, those flashes were Replicator's invention to throw him off balance.
Teal'c surmised: Colonel Carter has been through a lot of trauma lately.
Slowly coming back to reality, Daniel looked at Teal'c.
Jack stoic: She's trained.
Daniel tilted his head: Yes... But she must have her limits, right? That she asked us to come along is no small thing.
Jack: It's been a very hard time for all of us. (he insisted) And we knew Jacob.
Daniel became impatient with his friend's behavior: Did she invite you to her wedding? (he moved a hand toward Teal'c) Because we were not. But we're here. (he also insisted) For her father's funeral.
Jack swallowed and remained silent. The group in front of them stopped, presumably at their destination. Daniel, Teal'c and Jack looked at their colleague who was talking to the people in front of them without any concern.
Is this just politeness, Daniel wondered, a facade? Something had changed. Something new... and old. Hard to explain. Thinking about it, it's true that since a few years the look of his friend had almost... died out? Why hadn't he noticed it, he wondered, or maybe it was he who didn't want to see it?
Teal'c to Daniel: Did she say anything to you, Doctor Jackson?
Daniel grinned: Uh.
Jack frowned at his reaction: What?
Daniel: Uh... No. Nothing in particular. (there was a silence for a few seconds and he put his glasses back on properly) It's just... (Jack rolled his eyes) She looks weird.
Jack: "Weird"?
Daniel: Different.
Jack had a vague sense of déjà vu: "Different"?
Daniel lost his patience: Jack.
Jack: Daniel? (his friend rolled his eyes in exasperation and Jack began to lose his patience as well) Since when are you specialists of the living?
He frowned. It wasn't just déjà vu, he was reliving the moment. Daniel noticed his change of expression and questioned him with his eyes.
Jack pulled himself together and felt compelled to add something: Dr. McKenzie and his team of psychiatrists haven't informed me of anything.
Daniel glanced at Jack: I suppose they've taken into account that Sam is a pretty little liar?
Echo:
*weird, different*
*It’s her father’s funeral, Daniel. / For her father's funeral.*
Daniel, Jack and Teal'c followed the crowd. Daniel spotted Sam walking in the distance of the cemetery, talking to some unknown people. He frowned, having a strange feeling that something was wrong but not being able to define what exactly.
Daniel: I don't know about you, but Sam worries me.
And as he said this sentence, flashes appeared before his eyes as well as strange impressions. Disgust, guilt, shame, sadness... No, not sadness, despair. Daniel's face broke down.
Jack gave him a jaded look: It’s her father’s funeral, Daniel.
No, it couldn't be true, Daniel thought, those flashes were Replicator's invention to throw him off balance.
Teal'c surmised: Colonel Carter has been through a lot of trauma lately.
Slowly coming back to reality, Daniel looked at Teal'c.
Jack stoic: She's trained.
Daniel tilted his head: Yes... But she must have her limits, right? That she asked us to come along is no small thing.
Jack: It's been a very hard time for all of us. (he insisted) And we knew Jacob.
Daniel became impatient with his friend's behavior: Did she invite you to her wedding? (he moved a hand toward Teal'c) Because we were not. But we're here. (he also insisted) For her father's funeral.
Jack swallowed and remained silent. The group in front of them stopped, presumably at their destination. Daniel, Teal'c and Jack looked at their colleague who was talking to the people in front of them without any concern.
Is this just politeness, Daniel wondered, a facade? Something had changed. Something new... and old. Hard to explain. Thinking about it, it's true that since a few years the look of his friend had almost... died out? Why hadn't he noticed it, he wondered, or maybe it was he who didn't want to see it?
Teal'c to Daniel: Did she say anything to you, Doctor Jackson?
Daniel grinned: Uh.
Jack frowned at his reaction: What?
Daniel: Uh... No. Nothing in particular. (there was a silence for a few seconds and he put his glasses back on properly) It's just... (Jack rolled his eyes) She looks weird.
Jack: "Weird"?
Daniel: Different.
Jack had a vague sense of déjà vu: "Different"?
Daniel lost his patience: Jack.
Jack: Daniel? (his friend rolled his eyes in exasperation and Jack began to lose his patience as well) Since when are you specialists of the living?
He frowned. It wasn't just déjà vu, he was reliving the moment. Daniel noticed his change of expression and questioned him with his eyes.
Jack pulled himself together and felt compelled to add something: Dr. McKenzie and his team of psychiatrists haven't informed me of anything.
Daniel glanced at Jack: I suppose they've taken into account that Sam is a pretty little liar?
Echo:
*weird, different*
*It’s her father’s funeral, Daniel. / For her father's funeral.*
The military man questioned him with a shake of his head this time, so that he would finally say what he was thinking.
Teal'c: Colonel Carter has indeed shown numerous times during undercover missions an increased ability to control her emotions and resist torture to save information.
Daniel nodded and looked back at Jack.
Jack: They are specialists... They know their job. If she was no longer fit I would have been the first to know.
Daniel decided to change the subject, exasperated: Her fiancé is not here?
They looked around for him but didn't see him.
Teal'c spotted Mark, whose pictures Sam had shown him: Isn't he a friend of Colonel Carter's brother?
Daniel: I think so. (He also saw him) Ha, that's him.
Echo:
*previous paragraph "Since when are you specialists of the living?" / They are specialists... *
Teal'c: Colonel Carter has indeed shown numerous times during undercover missions an increased ability to control her emotions and resist torture to save information.
Daniel nodded and looked back at Jack.
Jack: They are specialists... They know their job. If she was no longer fit I would have been the first to know.
Daniel decided to change the subject, exasperated: Her fiancé is not here?
They looked around for him but didn't see him.
Teal'c spotted Mark, whose pictures Sam had shown him: Isn't he a friend of Colonel Carter's brother?
Daniel: I think so. (He also saw him) Ha, that's him.
Echo:
*previous paragraph "Since when are you specialists of the living?" / They are specialists... *
Sam and her brother came towards them.
Sam: Mark, meet my colleagues. Doctor Jackson, Murray and General O'Neill.
Daniel extended his hand to Mark: Daniel. Our sincere condolences. Your father was a wonderful person.
Mark shook Daniel's hand and smiled politely: Thank you for coming.
Teal'c shook his hand: It was a real pleasure to know Jacob Carter. He was an honorable warrior.
Mark smiled at him: Thank you sir. Nice hat.
Teal'c bowed his head in thanks, Jack held out his hand and Mark looked at it for a few seconds.
Jack: A friend and a good father. (Mark squeezed his hand tightly and his face seemed to harden) We all miss him.
The soldier looked at him, surprised at the pressure on his palm and the length of the contact. Daniel and Teal'c noticed and finally Mark released him.
Sam put on a brave face: Thank you, General.
Mark, to the group: Please excuse me, I have other people to see.
Once gone, Jack discreetly questioned "the specialist of the living" to know if he had said something wrong or if his remark was inappropriate, but Daniel shrugged.
Sam: Eurrh... Please excuse him.
Daniel, embarrassed for her: It's... It's always a little stressful at these events.
She nods, thanking him for helping her.
Teal'c to Sam: How are you feeling?
Sam: Well, it would be better if Mark and I weren't the center of attention. And they all found out about my breakup, everyone is looking at me and feeling doubly sorry for me. (She rolled her eyes and smiled nervously) Which doesn't make things any better between me and him.
She looked away, even more distressed than at the beginning of this conversation. The three men broke down.
Daniel, surprised: Oh... uh. We didn't know. Sorry to hear that.
She tilted her head and gave him a blasé look. Jack gave Daniel a slight shake of his head to let him know that this was it, he had his reason for why he found her potentially strange and the lack of an invitation to her wedding.
Daniel grinned and smiled shyly at her: Oh okay. I get your point.
Sam rolled her eyes and smiled politely: I'll see you at the wake later. (they hugged) Thanks for taking care of it. (she squeezed Teal'c's arm) Really.
Daniel: It's okay.
Sam turned to Jack: Sir?
He nodded, greeted the two men briefly, and followed her, pulling his Class A uniform cap over his head.
Jack put on his white gloves: Hammond is joining us?
Sam nervously: Yes, he's already there.
Sam: Mark, meet my colleagues. Doctor Jackson, Murray and General O'Neill.
Daniel extended his hand to Mark: Daniel. Our sincere condolences. Your father was a wonderful person.
Mark shook Daniel's hand and smiled politely: Thank you for coming.
Teal'c shook his hand: It was a real pleasure to know Jacob Carter. He was an honorable warrior.
Mark smiled at him: Thank you sir. Nice hat.
Teal'c bowed his head in thanks, Jack held out his hand and Mark looked at it for a few seconds.
Jack: A friend and a good father. (Mark squeezed his hand tightly and his face seemed to harden) We all miss him.
The soldier looked at him, surprised at the pressure on his palm and the length of the contact. Daniel and Teal'c noticed and finally Mark released him.
Sam put on a brave face: Thank you, General.
Mark, to the group: Please excuse me, I have other people to see.
Once gone, Jack discreetly questioned "the specialist of the living" to know if he had said something wrong or if his remark was inappropriate, but Daniel shrugged.
Sam: Eurrh... Please excuse him.
Daniel, embarrassed for her: It's... It's always a little stressful at these events.
She nods, thanking him for helping her.
Teal'c to Sam: How are you feeling?
Sam: Well, it would be better if Mark and I weren't the center of attention. And they all found out about my breakup, everyone is looking at me and feeling doubly sorry for me. (She rolled her eyes and smiled nervously) Which doesn't make things any better between me and him.
She looked away, even more distressed than at the beginning of this conversation. The three men broke down.
Daniel, surprised: Oh... uh. We didn't know. Sorry to hear that.
She tilted her head and gave him a blasé look. Jack gave Daniel a slight shake of his head to let him know that this was it, he had his reason for why he found her potentially strange and the lack of an invitation to her wedding.
Daniel grinned and smiled shyly at her: Oh okay. I get your point.
Sam rolled her eyes and smiled politely: I'll see you at the wake later. (they hugged) Thanks for taking care of it. (she squeezed Teal'c's arm) Really.
Daniel: It's okay.
Sam turned to Jack: Sir?
He nodded, greeted the two men briefly, and followed her, pulling his Class A uniform cap over his head.
Jack put on his white gloves: Hammond is joining us?
Sam nervously: Yes, he's already there.
She took over the eulogy, as Mark preferred not to swear as a civilian surrounded by all those soldiers. She repeated what she had told Jack about her father a few days before, without explaining the reason of course, and with correction of the dates. Why had she repeated her father's mistake to him? "Four years" and not seven? She deduced that she must have been more upset than she cared to admit.
Despite the pain in her voice, she managed to hold back the tears during the military ceremony. The casket was covered with a U.S. flag, surrounded by four military personnel on each side, including Jack and George. After a small, programmed shout, they took the handles of the coffin and carried it to its final resting place. The guests followed them in silence, the family in the front row.
They placed the coffin on the automatic lowering system, stood upright in a macabre but dignified and respectful dance. They grabbed a piece of the flag cloth and held it out for a few moments. Then they folded it in a geometric fashion, slipping it between their white gloves. George took the triangle in his right hand, suspended it for a moment above his head, lowered it, put down his second hand and turned to O'neill who received it. He remained like that for a short time, then moved towards the first line of guests. He stood solemnly in front of her and handed her the flag. She grabbed it, Jack gave a military salute and returned to the men who were waiting for her, stoic. She stood still, then took a step forward and stood in front of her brother. She gently handed him the flag.
He took it with a trembling hand. She made a military salute in her turn, her little brother stared at her and gritted his teeth. Strong, almost cold, she stood by his side.
The soldiers walked a little further to let the family say their goodbyes. Mark was the first, he handed the flag to his wife nervously, grabbed a flower from the bouquet of chrysanthemums provided, and placed it on the coffin. He made a sign of the cross, joined his wife, took back the flag, and she imitated her husband.
Other relatives did the same, Sam approached, rolled up the right sleeve of her navy blue jacket and undid the button on her shirt to gain access to her wrist. Several people looked at her curiously. She swallowed, closed her eyes and detached her bracelet. She reopened her moist eyes and placed it gently on the casket, brushing the wood with her fingertips. The soldiers present all seemed upset by his gesture. She didn't look at the epitaph with her mother's name, but a tear rolled down her cheek.
Notes:
*in the language of flowers, chrysanthemums symbolize love and mourning*
Despite the pain in her voice, she managed to hold back the tears during the military ceremony. The casket was covered with a U.S. flag, surrounded by four military personnel on each side, including Jack and George. After a small, programmed shout, they took the handles of the coffin and carried it to its final resting place. The guests followed them in silence, the family in the front row.
They placed the coffin on the automatic lowering system, stood upright in a macabre but dignified and respectful dance. They grabbed a piece of the flag cloth and held it out for a few moments. Then they folded it in a geometric fashion, slipping it between their white gloves. George took the triangle in his right hand, suspended it for a moment above his head, lowered it, put down his second hand and turned to O'neill who received it. He remained like that for a short time, then moved towards the first line of guests. He stood solemnly in front of her and handed her the flag. She grabbed it, Jack gave a military salute and returned to the men who were waiting for her, stoic. She stood still, then took a step forward and stood in front of her brother. She gently handed him the flag.
He took it with a trembling hand. She made a military salute in her turn, her little brother stared at her and gritted his teeth. Strong, almost cold, she stood by his side.
The soldiers walked a little further to let the family say their goodbyes. Mark was the first, he handed the flag to his wife nervously, grabbed a flower from the bouquet of chrysanthemums provided, and placed it on the coffin. He made a sign of the cross, joined his wife, took back the flag, and she imitated her husband.
Other relatives did the same, Sam approached, rolled up the right sleeve of her navy blue jacket and undid the button on her shirt to gain access to her wrist. Several people looked at her curiously. She swallowed, closed her eyes and detached her bracelet. She reopened her moist eyes and placed it gently on the casket, brushing the wood with her fingertips. The soldiers present all seemed upset by his gesture. She didn't look at the epitaph with her mother's name, but a tear rolled down her cheek.
Notes:
*in the language of flowers, chrysanthemums symbolize love and mourning*
TW: *alcohol* *alcoholism* *slutshaming* *agism*
CW: *brainwashing* *psychiatric hospital* *possessiveness* *infantilisation* *aggression* *rape culture* *war*
After this emotional ceremony, the wake took place in a suitable space right next to the park. Everyone was enjoying the nice weather and nature while tasting the food from the buffet to evacuate the overflow of feelings. The air was nice, the light breeze made it look like snow from time to time with the petals of the cherry blossoms starting to peel off shyly.
Sam drained her fifth glass of white wine, exhausted from having to smile at everyone to put on a brave face. Talking to all these people was making her weak and she was not going to last much longer. A little further on, Hammond approached the three men.
Daniel, with a glass of punch in his hand: Nice to see you again General.
Hammond smiled: Likewise, Doctor. (he looked at Teal'c) Teal'c, you too, of course. I've missed you all. (He looked at Jack) Son. (He walked over to him and faced him, Jack questioned his eyes at the inspection of his outfit) Sorry to see you again under such circumstances.
He raised his hand to Jack's collar and began to put his tie back on straight. Daniel smiled in the background, some things never change.
Daniel: Likewise, Sir.
Teal'c: It's a beautiful day to honor the memory of Jacob Carter.
Decent again, Hammond patted Jack on the shoulder and Jack nodded his thanks despite the knot in his tie choking him.
Hammond to group: How is she?
Daniel: Jack thinks she's doing well. (looking at Teal'c) We think the opposite.
Jack looked up and said: Oh for crying out loud, Daniel.
Daniel pretended he hadn't heard anything and turned to Hammond: We were just talking about renewing the psychiatric team at the base, taking into account the level of training of the program members. (more quickly before Jack intervened) Dr. McKenzie himself had underestimated Teal'c's brainwashing.
Teal'c nodded: Indeed.
Daniel: And he had me committed to a mental hospital for schizophrenia while under the influence of alien technology. (He caught himself) I'm not saying he's doing a bad job, I'm just saying that maybe we should... Well, let's expand our views.
Hammond frowned and thought: That's not a bad idea. I'm reading more and more articles on this subject. New studies are proving themselves. (he tilted his head) We should see if it can be adapted to our everyday situations.
Jack looked at him with curiosity and Daniel rolled his eyes in turn: As usual, the military man preferred to listen to the senior officer. He didn't have time to think about it: Jack saw two children running a little too close to the drinks cabinet.
Jack to the group: Um, excuse me. I'm gonna try to avoid a planetary catastrophe.
Daniel to Hammond: General, I have a question.
Hammond: Which one, Doctor?
Daniel: At the ceremony, Sam took off her bracelet. (Hammond smiles softly) I think she's been wearing it for years. What... is there a special significance?
Teal'c: You and O'Neill seemed to understand the significance.
Hammond: It's an Army tradition. Combat bracelets. You see the cord that ties the bottom of your fatigues to the inside of your boots? It is customary for each team member to provide a button from their own uniform for another teammate's bracelet at the beginning of each mission and wear them until everyone is safely home. (Daniel opened his mouth, surprised by this very human tradition. George tilted his head) Some people change the tradition to... (he tilted his head again and looked at them with a knowing look) Well, you know.
Teal'c bowed his head in respect to this tradition: The symbolism is great.
Daniel low: It seemed to be, indeed.
Hammond, emotion in his voice: I lost my best friend in the Vietnam War. We made a trade just before we left.
Teal'c: We are sorry to bring back such memories, General Hammond.
Hammond smiles: Don't worry, my friend. It's healthy to hold on to those memories.
Not without difficulty, Jack crouches down to the two children.
Jack smiled at them: Hey kids! (pointing to the playground beyond) Wanna go play there? There are swings and balls and-
David and Lisa: Oh yeah!
Mark came in with a fury: What are you doing?
He put his hand on both of his children's shoulders. Jack stood up and looked at their father.
Jack: I offered to-
Mark: And what right do you have, please?
Sam approached cautiously: Mark?
Mark did not look away from Jack: Sammie?
So that was it, Jack concluded, he was protecting her. Mark was a friend of Pete's. It couldn't be a coincidence and she understood that too. Pete must have said something to him. Or her father? God... She didn't need to deal with the pride of those two males today, she thought.
Sam ventured: Is there a problem?
Jack: None, (he continued to look at Mark to let him know that he knew where he belonged) Colonel.
He smiled slightly from the corner of his lips. She noticed that he used her rank instead of her family name as usual and deduced that he probably didn't want to make things worse with her brother.
Lisa: Can I go on the swing, Dad?
Mark let go of his children: Yes.
The children left. Daniel arrived, having seen the scene from afar and since their... handshake this morning, he was making sure everything was going well to help Sam manage this day.
Daniel pointed to the buffet: Jack, can you please help me? We have a problem with the appetizers.
Jack still looking at Mark: I'll be right there.
They finally left them alone.
Sam stood in front of Mark: What exactly are you looking for? (he shrugged and she became impatient) He's my superior, please have some respect.
Mark raised his eyebrows: Did you have respect for Pete, fooling around with him?
Sam chuckled: What? (she insisted) I'm not fooling around with him. (Mark didn't add anything more) Do I have to remind you that Pete is your friend but I'm your sister?
Mark: Come on, you were always playing games. You manipulated Dad with your good grades and your teachers with your pretty face. You were the perfect little girl, the favorite!
Sam exclaimed: What?!
Mark: I was always in your shadow. Dad was always pushing you forward and-
Sam: That’s not true!
Mark paid no attention to her: Always the smartest! Look at her, she's just like her father! You know you turn men's heads (he looked her up and down and judged her uniform apparently inappropriate) and you take advantage of it. (he pointed in the direction Jack was a few minutes ago) It's just disgusting. Did you see how old that guy was? He looks like dad. (he insisted) You're doing it again.
Sam closed her eyes for a fraction of a second and tried to regain control: Look, I know you're sad about the situation but don't-
Mark moved a hand towards her: Your work has always been more important than any of us.
Sam shook her head, hurt: You know that's not true. (he rolled his eyes and turned to join a group. She took another drink) Great...
She then walked away from the reserved area to avoid him as much as possible. Jack saw her draining her new cup of white wine and smiling nervously at a new group that came up to her to talk. He finally recognized the signs of fatigue she was trying to hide.
Jack to Daniel and Teal'c: Okay, fine. You've convinced me, Carter looks exhausted. I'll take her to her hotel and come back.
Daniel, reassured by this decision: Do you need help?
Jack grinned: Better stay and channel her brother, you know.
Daniel glanced at Teal'c: Yeah... not a bad idea.
Teal'c: Indeed.
Jack walked over to her: I'll be back in an hour or so. (As the group slipped away from her, Jack quietly moved to her side) Let's go somewhere else, shall we?
Sam flinched slightly, not having seen him: Uh... (she stared at him) Is that an invitation?
He looked back at her and saw that she was also surprised by this words. They frowned at the same time at this memory. She looked away to plunge her gaze into her empty cup and he guessed her thoughts. Finally... It is what he believed. As for her, her brain had just resumed its usual defense mechanism during their ambiguous situations.
CW: *brainwashing* *psychiatric hospital* *possessiveness* *infantilisation* *aggression* *rape culture* *war*
After this emotional ceremony, the wake took place in a suitable space right next to the park. Everyone was enjoying the nice weather and nature while tasting the food from the buffet to evacuate the overflow of feelings. The air was nice, the light breeze made it look like snow from time to time with the petals of the cherry blossoms starting to peel off shyly.
Sam drained her fifth glass of white wine, exhausted from having to smile at everyone to put on a brave face. Talking to all these people was making her weak and she was not going to last much longer. A little further on, Hammond approached the three men.
Daniel, with a glass of punch in his hand: Nice to see you again General.
Hammond smiled: Likewise, Doctor. (he looked at Teal'c) Teal'c, you too, of course. I've missed you all. (He looked at Jack) Son. (He walked over to him and faced him, Jack questioned his eyes at the inspection of his outfit) Sorry to see you again under such circumstances.
He raised his hand to Jack's collar and began to put his tie back on straight. Daniel smiled in the background, some things never change.
Daniel: Likewise, Sir.
Teal'c: It's a beautiful day to honor the memory of Jacob Carter.
Decent again, Hammond patted Jack on the shoulder and Jack nodded his thanks despite the knot in his tie choking him.
Hammond to group: How is she?
Daniel: Jack thinks she's doing well. (looking at Teal'c) We think the opposite.
Jack looked up and said: Oh for crying out loud, Daniel.
Daniel pretended he hadn't heard anything and turned to Hammond: We were just talking about renewing the psychiatric team at the base, taking into account the level of training of the program members. (more quickly before Jack intervened) Dr. McKenzie himself had underestimated Teal'c's brainwashing.
Teal'c nodded: Indeed.
Daniel: And he had me committed to a mental hospital for schizophrenia while under the influence of alien technology. (He caught himself) I'm not saying he's doing a bad job, I'm just saying that maybe we should... Well, let's expand our views.
Hammond frowned and thought: That's not a bad idea. I'm reading more and more articles on this subject. New studies are proving themselves. (he tilted his head) We should see if it can be adapted to our everyday situations.
Jack looked at him with curiosity and Daniel rolled his eyes in turn: As usual, the military man preferred to listen to the senior officer. He didn't have time to think about it: Jack saw two children running a little too close to the drinks cabinet.
Jack to the group: Um, excuse me. I'm gonna try to avoid a planetary catastrophe.
Daniel to Hammond: General, I have a question.
Hammond: Which one, Doctor?
Daniel: At the ceremony, Sam took off her bracelet. (Hammond smiles softly) I think she's been wearing it for years. What... is there a special significance?
Teal'c: You and O'Neill seemed to understand the significance.
Hammond: It's an Army tradition. Combat bracelets. You see the cord that ties the bottom of your fatigues to the inside of your boots? It is customary for each team member to provide a button from their own uniform for another teammate's bracelet at the beginning of each mission and wear them until everyone is safely home. (Daniel opened his mouth, surprised by this very human tradition. George tilted his head) Some people change the tradition to... (he tilted his head again and looked at them with a knowing look) Well, you know.
Teal'c bowed his head in respect to this tradition: The symbolism is great.
Daniel low: It seemed to be, indeed.
Hammond, emotion in his voice: I lost my best friend in the Vietnam War. We made a trade just before we left.
Teal'c: We are sorry to bring back such memories, General Hammond.
Hammond smiles: Don't worry, my friend. It's healthy to hold on to those memories.
Not without difficulty, Jack crouches down to the two children.
Jack smiled at them: Hey kids! (pointing to the playground beyond) Wanna go play there? There are swings and balls and-
David and Lisa: Oh yeah!
Mark came in with a fury: What are you doing?
He put his hand on both of his children's shoulders. Jack stood up and looked at their father.
Jack: I offered to-
Mark: And what right do you have, please?
Sam approached cautiously: Mark?
Mark did not look away from Jack: Sammie?
So that was it, Jack concluded, he was protecting her. Mark was a friend of Pete's. It couldn't be a coincidence and she understood that too. Pete must have said something to him. Or her father? God... She didn't need to deal with the pride of those two males today, she thought.
Sam ventured: Is there a problem?
Jack: None, (he continued to look at Mark to let him know that he knew where he belonged) Colonel.
He smiled slightly from the corner of his lips. She noticed that he used her rank instead of her family name as usual and deduced that he probably didn't want to make things worse with her brother.
Lisa: Can I go on the swing, Dad?
Mark let go of his children: Yes.
The children left. Daniel arrived, having seen the scene from afar and since their... handshake this morning, he was making sure everything was going well to help Sam manage this day.
Daniel pointed to the buffet: Jack, can you please help me? We have a problem with the appetizers.
Jack still looking at Mark: I'll be right there.
They finally left them alone.
Sam stood in front of Mark: What exactly are you looking for? (he shrugged and she became impatient) He's my superior, please have some respect.
Mark raised his eyebrows: Did you have respect for Pete, fooling around with him?
Sam chuckled: What? (she insisted) I'm not fooling around with him. (Mark didn't add anything more) Do I have to remind you that Pete is your friend but I'm your sister?
Mark: Come on, you were always playing games. You manipulated Dad with your good grades and your teachers with your pretty face. You were the perfect little girl, the favorite!
Sam exclaimed: What?!
Mark: I was always in your shadow. Dad was always pushing you forward and-
Sam: That’s not true!
Mark paid no attention to her: Always the smartest! Look at her, she's just like her father! You know you turn men's heads (he looked her up and down and judged her uniform apparently inappropriate) and you take advantage of it. (he pointed in the direction Jack was a few minutes ago) It's just disgusting. Did you see how old that guy was? He looks like dad. (he insisted) You're doing it again.
Sam closed her eyes for a fraction of a second and tried to regain control: Look, I know you're sad about the situation but don't-
Mark moved a hand towards her: Your work has always been more important than any of us.
Sam shook her head, hurt: You know that's not true. (he rolled his eyes and turned to join a group. She took another drink) Great...
She then walked away from the reserved area to avoid him as much as possible. Jack saw her draining her new cup of white wine and smiling nervously at a new group that came up to her to talk. He finally recognized the signs of fatigue she was trying to hide.
Jack to Daniel and Teal'c: Okay, fine. You've convinced me, Carter looks exhausted. I'll take her to her hotel and come back.
Daniel, reassured by this decision: Do you need help?
Jack grinned: Better stay and channel her brother, you know.
Daniel glanced at Teal'c: Yeah... not a bad idea.
Teal'c: Indeed.
Jack walked over to her: I'll be back in an hour or so. (As the group slipped away from her, Jack quietly moved to her side) Let's go somewhere else, shall we?
Sam flinched slightly, not having seen him: Uh... (she stared at him) Is that an invitation?
He looked back at her and saw that she was also surprised by this words. They frowned at the same time at this memory. She looked away to plunge her gaze into her empty cup and he guessed her thoughts. Finally... It is what he believed. As for her, her brain had just resumed its usual defense mechanism during their ambiguous situations.
3.2.3
3.2.3
3.2.3
3.2.3
3.2.3
That famous paragraph in Chapter 3 about Fraternization. They saw another couple approaching, embarrassed by the social conventions that forced them to talk to the family even though they didn't know each other. Considering the time it took her superior to find an answer to her bullshit, she thought that a drink wouldn't hurt.
Jack, perplexed, insisted on her answer: Strategic withdrawal.
Jack, perplexed, insisted on her answer: Strategic withdrawal.
3.2.3
3.2.3
3.2.3
3.2.3
3.2.3
Sam spoke quietly: Please.
Jack quietly too: West exit in five.
Sam smiled at the couple 10 feet in front of her: I... I need (she put a hand in her jacket pocket) my things.
Jack: Where?
Sam discreetly handed him a small key: Hi! Thank you so much for coming, really.
He grabbed the key and headed for the lockers.
Echo:
*writing game about Jack and Sam's outfit and appreciation of their clothes via other people*
*respect* *fooling around with him*
*tradition*
Notes:
*The names "Lisa" and "David" do not fit into the canonical story. I took them for a wink only*
*Mark's line "Can you believe how old that guy is? You look like Dad. (he insisted) You're doing it again!" is worth remembering. We don't have Jacob's age in the canon, so I kept the actor's age. He's 9 years older than Jack O'Neill.*
*Remember my very first paragraph, Jack meets little Sam and Jacob teaches his daughter a lesson about not talking to strangers. Jack relives an echo without realizing it but this time with Sam's brother's children*
*Video: The failure to educate children to hold them accountable for not talking to strangers instead of going after those responsible (source)*
Jack quietly too: West exit in five.
Sam smiled at the couple 10 feet in front of her: I... I need (she put a hand in her jacket pocket) my things.
Jack: Where?
Sam discreetly handed him a small key: Hi! Thank you so much for coming, really.
He grabbed the key and headed for the lockers.
Echo:
*writing game about Jack and Sam's outfit and appreciation of their clothes via other people*
*respect* *fooling around with him*
*tradition*
Notes:
*The names "Lisa" and "David" do not fit into the canonical story. I took them for a wink only*
*Mark's line "Can you believe how old that guy is? You look like Dad. (he insisted) You're doing it again!" is worth remembering. We don't have Jacob's age in the canon, so I kept the actor's age. He's 9 years older than Jack O'Neill.*
*Remember my very first paragraph, Jack meets little Sam and Jacob teaches his daughter a lesson about not talking to strangers. Jack relives an echo without realizing it but this time with Sam's brother's children*
*Video: The failure to educate children to hold them accountable for not talking to strangers instead of going after those responsible (source)*
CW: *rape culture* *alcoholism*
After removing their jackets, Jack extricated himself from the damn tie and then unbuttoned the first buttons on his collar. Finally, he could breathe freely. Sam tackled her own shirt. Seeing her, he froze. What was she doing, he wondered? Couldn't she wait until she was in her room to change, for God's sake?
Sam didn't see him take the right road: Euurh. The hotel is the other way, sir.
Jack focused on the road and not on the woman undressing next to him: I've got you another hotel room to rest in. If that's okay with?
After removing their jackets, Jack extricated himself from the damn tie and then unbuttoned the first buttons on his collar. Finally, he could breathe freely. Sam tackled her own shirt. Seeing her, he froze. What was she doing, he wondered? Couldn't she wait until she was in her room to change, for God's sake?
Sam didn't see him take the right road: Euurh. The hotel is the other way, sir.
Jack focused on the road and not on the woman undressing next to him: I've got you another hotel room to rest in. If that's okay with?
3.2.3
3.2.3
3.2.3
3.2.3
3.2.3
Sam, very surprised by this initiative: Huh... it is... (with a touch of uneasiness in her voice not knowing how to react) A delicate attention, General.
She frowned and removed her shirt to find herself in a tight white tank top.
Jack cleared his throat and cursed himself for sneaking a glance at her subordinate: It was a surprise, just in case.
She stopped searching her bag for a top.
She frowned and removed her shirt to find herself in a tight white tank top.
Jack cleared his throat and cursed himself for sneaking a glance at her subordinate: It was a surprise, just in case.
She stopped searching her bag for a top.
3.2.3
3.2.3
3.2.3
3.2.3
3.2.3
Jack understood the insinuation she had imagined and made up for it: The President paid. I just figured you needed... well, you know... (he looked for a polite way to tell her she was isolating herself) To be alone.
Sam stared at him, surprised: The President?
Jack, a little nervous: Yes. The ceremony, your family's plane tickets, their accommodations, this hotel room, the buffet...
Sam incredulous: Why?
Jack grinned: For saving the world, I guess.
Sam stood dumbfounded and grabbed a simple black long sleeve V-neck top: And you?
Jack raised his eyebrows: Hmm?
Sam pulled the top over her tank top and adjusted it: Where are you staying?
Jack: Oh. We rented an apartment with the boys. Hammond will be leaving after the wake unfortunately.
She grabbed a pair of dark jeans and hesitated for a few seconds, looking at Jack from the corner of her eye. She swallowed, thinking that being alone in that car with him for a personal reason -even if a good reason- was already an infraction in itself. So she put her bag under her seat, unfolded the jeans in front of her and took off her high heels.
Sam grinned: I'm really creating more trouble than I care to. (she slipped both legs into her jeans and pulled them up as far as they would go under her skirt) I'm sorry I asked you all to (she struggled to pull up her jeans without revealing her skin) come with me and then run away.
Jack swallowed: They will understand.
For lack of understanding why you absolutely cannot wait to change you, he prevented himself from adding.
She unbuttoned her skirt and rose slightly in order to go up her jeans, then removed finally the damn clothing. She closed her jeans, readjusted her top, put back her safety belt, stuffed the skirt in her bag, and put back her heels. Finally, she let out a huge sigh of satisfaction and looked out the window.
Jack amused: And I thought that you loved to wear this outfit. (she turned her head sharply towards him, surprised) What?
Sam pulled herself together and looked out the window again: Nothing. (he quietly scanned her face, bewildered) How much further is it? (she turned her head towards him again and winced at what he might have thought of her question) Uh. I was thinking I could take a cab, so as not to disturb you, sir.
Jack exhaled deeply: Carter, if it had disturbed me I wouldn't have offered.
He looked at her for confirmation and she nodded quickly and swallowed. He put his eyes back on the road.
Silence.
She began to move her right leg nervously for a few seconds. Realizing this, she quickly stopped herself from controlling it, put her elbow on the edge of the window and caught her nail between her teeth. This silence was unbearable. She removed her nail from between her teeth, another sign of anxiety... Signs of less and less controllable these last days... She closed her eyes and tried to concentrate to quickly find a topic of conversation.
Jack: Peabody Memphis Hotel.
Sam looked at him: Oh?
Jack: Do you know it?
Sam: No. Do you?
Jack: No. (she bit her lip at the new silence) 4 stars.
Sam tilted her head: You didn't skimp.
Jack: I felt you needed… Comfort.
Sam smiled at the double entendre: Nice!
Jack moved his fingers on the steering wheel, falsely modest: Meh. I've done better.
Sam: I'll pay you back.
Jack: Don't even think about it.
Sam pointed a finger at him: You told me it was the President.
He looked at her furtively. She was still pointing her finger at him. What was she looking for, he wondered, did she really think he'd rented a hotel room during her father's funeral to get laid?
Jack looked at the road: I paid. The president told me he'd pay it back.
She lowered her finger and looked at him for a moment to see if he was lying. No, he seemed sincere. He saw disappointment and thought to himself that, boy, she must really be upset. She looked out the window again.
Silence.
That goddamn silence.
She felt as if she were back in his living room, trying to figure out what to say -as she always did when she was alone with him- but surprisingly he started the conversation again. Once again.
Jack: You all right? (she looked at him and he tilted his head) You drank a lot.
Sam turned her head away, almost coldly: I'm fine.
She gritted her teeth at his permission to speak out in the face of her personal choices. She would never allow herself to make this kind of reflection and above all, she had no right to do so.
Sam stared at him, surprised: The President?
Jack, a little nervous: Yes. The ceremony, your family's plane tickets, their accommodations, this hotel room, the buffet...
Sam incredulous: Why?
Jack grinned: For saving the world, I guess.
Sam stood dumbfounded and grabbed a simple black long sleeve V-neck top: And you?
Jack raised his eyebrows: Hmm?
Sam pulled the top over her tank top and adjusted it: Where are you staying?
Jack: Oh. We rented an apartment with the boys. Hammond will be leaving after the wake unfortunately.
She grabbed a pair of dark jeans and hesitated for a few seconds, looking at Jack from the corner of her eye. She swallowed, thinking that being alone in that car with him for a personal reason -even if a good reason- was already an infraction in itself. So she put her bag under her seat, unfolded the jeans in front of her and took off her high heels.
Sam grinned: I'm really creating more trouble than I care to. (she slipped both legs into her jeans and pulled them up as far as they would go under her skirt) I'm sorry I asked you all to (she struggled to pull up her jeans without revealing her skin) come with me and then run away.
Jack swallowed: They will understand.
For lack of understanding why you absolutely cannot wait to change you, he prevented himself from adding.
She unbuttoned her skirt and rose slightly in order to go up her jeans, then removed finally the damn clothing. She closed her jeans, readjusted her top, put back her safety belt, stuffed the skirt in her bag, and put back her heels. Finally, she let out a huge sigh of satisfaction and looked out the window.
Jack amused: And I thought that you loved to wear this outfit. (she turned her head sharply towards him, surprised) What?
Sam pulled herself together and looked out the window again: Nothing. (he quietly scanned her face, bewildered) How much further is it? (she turned her head towards him again and winced at what he might have thought of her question) Uh. I was thinking I could take a cab, so as not to disturb you, sir.
Jack exhaled deeply: Carter, if it had disturbed me I wouldn't have offered.
He looked at her for confirmation and she nodded quickly and swallowed. He put his eyes back on the road.
Silence.
She began to move her right leg nervously for a few seconds. Realizing this, she quickly stopped herself from controlling it, put her elbow on the edge of the window and caught her nail between her teeth. This silence was unbearable. She removed her nail from between her teeth, another sign of anxiety... Signs of less and less controllable these last days... She closed her eyes and tried to concentrate to quickly find a topic of conversation.
Jack: Peabody Memphis Hotel.
Sam looked at him: Oh?
Jack: Do you know it?
Sam: No. Do you?
Jack: No. (she bit her lip at the new silence) 4 stars.
Sam tilted her head: You didn't skimp.
Jack: I felt you needed… Comfort.
Sam smiled at the double entendre: Nice!
Jack moved his fingers on the steering wheel, falsely modest: Meh. I've done better.
Sam: I'll pay you back.
Jack: Don't even think about it.
Sam pointed a finger at him: You told me it was the President.
He looked at her furtively. She was still pointing her finger at him. What was she looking for, he wondered, did she really think he'd rented a hotel room during her father's funeral to get laid?
Jack looked at the road: I paid. The president told me he'd pay it back.
She lowered her finger and looked at him for a moment to see if he was lying. No, he seemed sincere. He saw disappointment and thought to himself that, boy, she must really be upset. She looked out the window again.
Silence.
That goddamn silence.
She felt as if she were back in his living room, trying to figure out what to say -as she always did when she was alone with him- but surprisingly he started the conversation again. Once again.
Jack: You all right? (she looked at him and he tilted his head) You drank a lot.
Sam turned her head away, almost coldly: I'm fine.
She gritted her teeth at his permission to speak out in the face of her personal choices. She would never allow herself to make this kind of reflection and above all, she had no right to do so.
3.2.3
3.2.3
3.2.3
3.2.3
3.2.3
Faced with her irritation, he thought he had offended her for not knowing how to behave in public or for being an alcoholic and put his head back on the road. There was another despairing silence.
Sam: What about Agent Johnson?
She closed her eyes and thought maybe she should have let him continue to start conversations.... She tried to reassure herself that at least he hadn't seen her close her eyes . He had frozen.
Jack picked himself up: Um, well. I suppose.
She opened her eyes again, frowned and swallowed, then looked out the window and cursed herself.
Silence.
Seeing her non-reaction, he understood that he had been too subtle. He hesitated to continue this subject, took a deep breath and tapped nervously on his steering wheel.
Jack as if nothing had happened: She broke up.
She restrained herself from looking at him sharply and stared at the city before her eyes. What had he just said? Her heart quickened, she took a long, deep breath as quietly as possible and turned toward him, frowning slightly in apprehension. He flipped on the blinker to get out of the fast lane.
Sam: Sorry. You... Uh. You want to talk about it?
Jack tilted his head without looking at her: Let's just say she understood when she saw my reactions to you.
Silence.
What? What... What? She questioned him with her eyes so that he would explain himself. He grimaced slightly with nervousness and turned his wheel several times at intersections in silence.
Long silence.
She looked away to think. He drove into the alley of the "drop-off" hotel and stopped without turning off the engine, a few meters from the entrance. He put his hands on his knees and looked at her, his mission now finished. She questioned him with her eyes.
Jack: Room 815. Your name.
Sam stared at him: Okay. So... Now what?
Jack swallowed: Get some rest, Carter.
And her world, which had already shattered a billion times, shattered again. She grabbed her bag and let out a shaky little "thank you." All she hoped as she walked to this entrance, her bag over her shoulder, was that he would run after her, turn her around and finally kiss her. A bellboy smiled at her and opened the door. She returned his smile and nodded. She walked towards the entrance.
Sam: What about Agent Johnson?
She closed her eyes and thought maybe she should have let him continue to start conversations.... She tried to reassure herself that at least he hadn't seen her close her eyes . He had frozen.
Jack picked himself up: Um, well. I suppose.
She opened her eyes again, frowned and swallowed, then looked out the window and cursed herself.
Silence.
Seeing her non-reaction, he understood that he had been too subtle. He hesitated to continue this subject, took a deep breath and tapped nervously on his steering wheel.
Jack as if nothing had happened: She broke up.
She restrained herself from looking at him sharply and stared at the city before her eyes. What had he just said? Her heart quickened, she took a long, deep breath as quietly as possible and turned toward him, frowning slightly in apprehension. He flipped on the blinker to get out of the fast lane.
Sam: Sorry. You... Uh. You want to talk about it?
Jack tilted his head without looking at her: Let's just say she understood when she saw my reactions to you.
Silence.
What? What... What? She questioned him with her eyes so that he would explain himself. He grimaced slightly with nervousness and turned his wheel several times at intersections in silence.
Long silence.
She looked away to think. He drove into the alley of the "drop-off" hotel and stopped without turning off the engine, a few meters from the entrance. He put his hands on his knees and looked at her, his mission now finished. She questioned him with her eyes.
Jack: Room 815. Your name.
Sam stared at him: Okay. So... Now what?
Jack swallowed: Get some rest, Carter.
And her world, which had already shattered a billion times, shattered again. She grabbed her bag and let out a shaky little "thank you." All she hoped as she walked to this entrance, her bag over her shoulder, was that he would run after her, turn her around and finally kiss her. A bellboy smiled at her and opened the door. She returned his smile and nodded. She walked towards the entrance.
"Um, nice entrance. It would make a wonderful scene in a romantic movie. Come on Jack, it's now. I'm not walking so fast. Catch me up. Now."
Hostess of reception: Welcome madam, how can I help you?
Sam understood. This woman had broken up with him. She had. Not him. And most importantly, this wasn't a fucking movie.
Sam smiled at the hostess: Carter. Samantha Carter. Room 815.
Echo:
*disturb*
*silence*
*now*
Notes:
*In many movies or TV shows, we often see a man drive a woman home and surprise her by taking her somewhere else. Women's reactions are often "oh cool, he's romantic!". This does not reflect reality. When this happens to us, the first thing we feel is fear.*
*I invite you to watch Reece Witherspoon's talk explaining the "what we doing now?" cliché of women in movies and TV shows, which is present in Stargate with the repetition game of their "now what?". This is the beginning of my fanfic, I respect the work of the writers already done so I had to work on her character as well, but it's something I'll work on her character*
Sam understood. This woman had broken up with him. She had. Not him. And most importantly, this wasn't a fucking movie.
Sam smiled at the hostess: Carter. Samantha Carter. Room 815.
Echo:
*disturb*
*silence*
*now*
Notes:
*In many movies or TV shows, we often see a man drive a woman home and surprise her by taking her somewhere else. Women's reactions are often "oh cool, he's romantic!". This does not reflect reality. When this happens to us, the first thing we feel is fear.*
*I invite you to watch Reece Witherspoon's talk explaining the "what we doing now?" cliché of women in movies and TV shows, which is present in Stargate with the repetition game of their "now what?". This is the beginning of my fanfic, I respect the work of the writers already done so I had to work on her character as well, but it's something I'll work on her character*
She sat up in the hotel bed, her forehead dotted with large drops. Breathing heavily, she had to take a minute to understand where she was and what she was doing there. She sat down, her back resting on the headboard and waited for her heart rate to return to normal. She couldn't take the nightmares anymore. It had become too regular over the past few years, and more and more intense. She rubbed her face, picked up the handset on the bedside table and pressed the "receive" button.
Notes:
*If you freeze-frame the torture of Fifth, you can see human skulls with flames on them. This is something I inserted in Chapter 1 during her very first mission in the AF "Yet she had only one thought in mind at that moment: 'one' was already 'one' too many. The nightmares of dead bodies and smoky skulls would never let her go again, she was certain." (source)
In the torture scenes of Fifth, you can also see Apophis forcing Sokar's blood down her throat.(source)
If Fifth made her review all her life passages, it's because they are trauma or fear for her.
So I worked around all of her images to identify any trauma or phobia she might have*
Notes:
*If you freeze-frame the torture of Fifth, you can see human skulls with flames on them. This is something I inserted in Chapter 1 during her very first mission in the AF "Yet she had only one thought in mind at that moment: 'one' was already 'one' too many. The nightmares of dead bodies and smoky skulls would never let her go again, she was certain." (source)
In the torture scenes of Fifth, you can also see Apophis forcing Sokar's blood down her throat.(source)
If Fifth made her review all her life passages, it's because they are trauma or fear for her.
So I worked around all of her images to identify any trauma or phobia she might have*
CW: *mention of alcohol*
In the airport check-in line, Daniel received a phone call from a stranger.
(PHONE) Mark: Hello, this is Mark Carter.
(PHONE) Daniel: Oh Mark, hello. How are you?
(PHONE) Mark: Do you know where my sister is? She's not answering her phone, I think she turned it off.
Daniel froze: What?
Jack frowned and Teal'c raised his eyebrows.
(PHONE) Mark: She's not at her hotel, her room hasn't been used.
Daniel put his hand on the phone mic: Sam is missing. Her room hasn't been used.
Jack took out his phone to call him: Missing since when?
(PHONE) Daniel to Mark: When did you last see her?
(PHONE) Mark: Almost 18 hours ago, at the wake. When did you last see her?
(PHONE) Daniel thought: Um, I think so, too. (he clamped the mic and spoke to Jack) Not since you-
He widened his eyes, then frowned and scanned his friend's face.
Jack frowned: What? "You" What?
Daniel: "dropped her it off”?
Daniel and Teal'c questioned him with their eyes.
Jack disconnected the call: Answering machine.
(PHONE) Mark became impatient: Hello?
Daniel opened his mouth and withdrew his hand to answer Mark, but Jack put his hand on his shoulder. Daniel put his hand back on the microphone and questioned him with his eyes.
Jack: I know where she is. I'll go there.
(PHONE) Daniel: Oh okay. General O'Neill is on it.
Jack rolled his eyes at the boy's lack of insight. Daniel finally remembered yesterday's scene at the wake and winced. It must be said that the archaeologist hadn't held back on the alcohol either...
(PHONE) Mark: What-
Daniel panicked, looked at the phone in his hand and hung up.
Jack chuckled: Your diplomacy has won again, Danny-boy. (Daniel winced again and apologized with his eyes. Jack reached into his bag to retrieve his passport and wallet, then gave him his luggage) Get on the plane. I'll take the next one.
Daniel: Jack! (he turned around but kept walking backwards) What's going on?
Jack spread his arms, shrugged his shoulders to let him know he didn't know any better, waved his hand to indicate he would call them and turned to walk faster. Daniel and Teal'c looked at each other, concerned.
Echo:
*missing*
*her room hasn't been used*
*When did you last see her?*
In the airport check-in line, Daniel received a phone call from a stranger.
(PHONE) Mark: Hello, this is Mark Carter.
(PHONE) Daniel: Oh Mark, hello. How are you?
(PHONE) Mark: Do you know where my sister is? She's not answering her phone, I think she turned it off.
Daniel froze: What?
Jack frowned and Teal'c raised his eyebrows.
(PHONE) Mark: She's not at her hotel, her room hasn't been used.
Daniel put his hand on the phone mic: Sam is missing. Her room hasn't been used.
Jack took out his phone to call him: Missing since when?
(PHONE) Daniel to Mark: When did you last see her?
(PHONE) Mark: Almost 18 hours ago, at the wake. When did you last see her?
(PHONE) Daniel thought: Um, I think so, too. (he clamped the mic and spoke to Jack) Not since you-
He widened his eyes, then frowned and scanned his friend's face.
Jack frowned: What? "You" What?
Daniel: "dropped her it off”?
Daniel and Teal'c questioned him with their eyes.
Jack disconnected the call: Answering machine.
(PHONE) Mark became impatient: Hello?
Daniel opened his mouth and withdrew his hand to answer Mark, but Jack put his hand on his shoulder. Daniel put his hand back on the microphone and questioned him with his eyes.
Jack: I know where she is. I'll go there.
(PHONE) Daniel: Oh okay. General O'Neill is on it.
Jack rolled his eyes at the boy's lack of insight. Daniel finally remembered yesterday's scene at the wake and winced. It must be said that the archaeologist hadn't held back on the alcohol either...
(PHONE) Mark: What-
Daniel panicked, looked at the phone in his hand and hung up.
Jack chuckled: Your diplomacy has won again, Danny-boy. (Daniel winced again and apologized with his eyes. Jack reached into his bag to retrieve his passport and wallet, then gave him his luggage) Get on the plane. I'll take the next one.
Daniel: Jack! (he turned around but kept walking backwards) What's going on?
Jack spread his arms, shrugged his shoulders to let him know he didn't know any better, waved his hand to indicate he would call them and turned to walk faster. Daniel and Teal'c looked at each other, concerned.
Echo:
*missing*
*her room hasn't been used*
*When did you last see her?*
CW: *rape culture* *aggression* *alcohol* *sexism*
Jack walked down the hall with a purposeful step. A young girl in her early twenties, with long, slightly wavy blonde hair and darker roots, held the front desk.
Hostess of reception looked up at the man and smiled: Welcome, Sir.
Jack walked down the hall with a purposeful step. A young girl in her early twenties, with long, slightly wavy blonde hair and darker roots, held the front desk.
Hostess of reception looked up at the man and smiled: Welcome, Sir.
He froze for a few seconds in front of her light blue eyes and thought that he definitely had a problem with blondes. He quickly dismissed this idea in front of her young age.
Jack put his forearms on the counter and showed his passport: Hello. I rented room 815 last night in Carter's name.
Hostess of reception tapped on her keyboard and checked the information on her screen: Right.
Jack put his passport away: Is the person still here?
Hostess of reception, embarrassed: I can't give you that information, sir.
He grabbed one of the hotel's small matchbooks on the counter and started playing with it between his fingers. The young woman saw him and dodged a smile.
Jack: I paid for this room.
Hostess of reception: For last night, yes. The room was rebooked this morning.
Jack: In the same name?
Hostess of reception: I can't let you-
Jack raised his hand to silence her and stuffed the matchbook in his pocket: Listen (he read the name on the employee's badge) Alf- (he raised his eyebrows) - "red"?
"Alfred" shook her head: Wrong badge.
Jack looked her up and down: Can I see your supervisor please?
"Alfred" chuckled: Change in service, sir. But if you wait half an hour he-
Jack moved his hand to get her to be quiet again: This person is in the Air Force and on my team. (he handed her an Air Force credential) If I learn that she is in danger because you refuse to give me the information I want in the name of national security you-
"Alfred" tapped the keyboard sharply: In the same name, yes. She paid with her credit card directly by phone.
Jack straightened up: Well, thank you, Alfred. (They smiled at each other exaggeratedly) Could I have another key please?
"Alfred" complied and handed it to him after a moment: Sir... She ordered a lot of alcohol.
Jack: "A lotta"?
"Alfred" read the register, uncomfortably: Um, 5 bottles of white wine, a 6-pack of lager and a bottle of whiskey (she tilted her head) and 1 bottle of champagne this morning.
Jack widened his eyes: You've got yourself a nice commission, old girl. ("Alfred" grinned and growled) And it didn't occur to you that this was potentially alarming for a single woman?
"Alfred": Um, there's been some changes in service, sir. And... (she handed him a driver's license) She gave us this when we refused to serve her.
He ranted, snatched the driver's license from her hand and headed for the elevator. "Alfred" watched him walk away and smiled sadly. Her body evaporated, the employee badge hung in the air for a split second before falling to the ground.
Echo:
*I can't*
*a lot/ a lotta*
*change in service*
Jack put his forearms on the counter and showed his passport: Hello. I rented room 815 last night in Carter's name.
Hostess of reception tapped on her keyboard and checked the information on her screen: Right.
Jack put his passport away: Is the person still here?
Hostess of reception, embarrassed: I can't give you that information, sir.
He grabbed one of the hotel's small matchbooks on the counter and started playing with it between his fingers. The young woman saw him and dodged a smile.
Jack: I paid for this room.
Hostess of reception: For last night, yes. The room was rebooked this morning.
Jack: In the same name?
Hostess of reception: I can't let you-
Jack raised his hand to silence her and stuffed the matchbook in his pocket: Listen (he read the name on the employee's badge) Alf- (he raised his eyebrows) - "red"?
"Alfred" shook her head: Wrong badge.
Jack looked her up and down: Can I see your supervisor please?
"Alfred" chuckled: Change in service, sir. But if you wait half an hour he-
Jack moved his hand to get her to be quiet again: This person is in the Air Force and on my team. (he handed her an Air Force credential) If I learn that she is in danger because you refuse to give me the information I want in the name of national security you-
"Alfred" tapped the keyboard sharply: In the same name, yes. She paid with her credit card directly by phone.
Jack straightened up: Well, thank you, Alfred. (They smiled at each other exaggeratedly) Could I have another key please?
"Alfred" complied and handed it to him after a moment: Sir... She ordered a lot of alcohol.
Jack: "A lotta"?
"Alfred" read the register, uncomfortably: Um, 5 bottles of white wine, a 6-pack of lager and a bottle of whiskey (she tilted her head) and 1 bottle of champagne this morning.
Jack widened his eyes: You've got yourself a nice commission, old girl. ("Alfred" grinned and growled) And it didn't occur to you that this was potentially alarming for a single woman?
"Alfred": Um, there's been some changes in service, sir. And... (she handed him a driver's license) She gave us this when we refused to serve her.
He ranted, snatched the driver's license from her hand and headed for the elevator. "Alfred" watched him walk away and smiled sadly. Her body evaporated, the employee badge hung in the air for a split second before falling to the ground.
Echo:
*I can't*
*a lot/ a lotta*
*change in service*
CW: *alcoholism* *infantilisation* *sexism* *blood mention*
Jack knocked on the door, one hand in his pocket: Carter, it's me. (With no answer, he activated the magnetic strip card in the lock) I'm coming in.
Bodies of liquor bottles strewn about, she must have helped herself to the mini bar too, apparently.
Jack, to himself: Cliché.
Sitting against the wall at the back of the room, a bottle of champagne and a glass at her side, she was dressed in sky blue pajamas and a half-open hotel robe. Her extremely drawn and puffy eyes suggested that she was sleep deprived and must have been crying all night.
Elbows on her knees and one hand in her hair, she frowned at her watch, believing him to be gone by now. She huffed with apprehension at being passed around, whether by a being out of her imagination or by a real human. She made a negligent sign of the hand, pale imitation of a pseudo military salute, resigned to be yelled at in any case.
He froze with a memory and stared at her with a touch of panic. She took that for confirmation of a next reprimand, swallowed and could not support his glance. He shook his head to leave his stupor, contemplated one second the disorder and deduced from it that she must certainly be still drunk. As if to confirm his thoughts, she closed her eyes, exhausted. He accepted his new mission: get her up, shower, potentially eat, rehydrate, and finally, get her to sleep.
Jack: All right, Carter. Come on, on your feet. Let's go
Sam rests her head against the wall: I'm tired, Jack.
She opened her eyes wide and stared at him strangely.
Jack, a little worried about this confirmation of her blood alcohol level: "Jack"?
Sam shook her head: Sorry, sir.
Jack put his hands in his pockets and looked at her: You told me you were fine.
She seemed to get impatient and lowered her head completely into her hands. She took a deep breath and blew through her nose to calm herself.
Sam, through her teeth: For my dad, yeah. (she kept her head down and waved her hand without conviction) For the rest...
Jack: We're worried about you.
Sam raised her head, jaded: "We"?
He noted that she seemed to be at her wits' end, and clearly wanted to be left alone.
Jack: That's what friends are for. Did you sleep?
Sam frowned: A little.
Jack: Eat?
Sam rolled her eyes: No.
Jack shifted a dead Jack Daniel's with his foot: Drank something else than alcohol?
Sam lost her patience, coldly: No, Father.
He froze with her unusual aggressiveness. She immediately felt bad for reacting like that and her face darkened. He was also close to her father, after all, to compare him to him after he had come all the way to bury her, accepted her requests and helped her flee the ceremony that had become too difficult was not respectful. She shook her head to apologize again and he nodded slightly to accept it.
The two of them fled from each other. She felt nauseous again and closed her eyes to keep from vomiting. And now she had her father's death on her mind again. What would he think if he saw her in this state, she wondered, the same as this man standing before her, probably. To be judged at a time like this was the last thing she wanted. In fact, it was not entirely accurate: she could no longer stand any judgment on her own choices. No matter who was in front of her.
Sam opened her eyes again, nauseous: With all due respect General, don’t you have something more important to do?
He understood her point of order and regretted not coming with the others. She took a step towards her to help her, but she quickly put a hand in front of her, stood up alone and stared at him. He thought he saw hatred in her eyes.
Jack lowered his head and whispered: Sam.
Sam lost all patience, raised her finger to the man and shouted: No! (he froze again. She accentuated her finger towards him and spoke more slowly) Noooo. You know I have no right and you dare to do it? (in a whisper) Not today, not now... (she almost screamed) No!
Jack knocked on the door, one hand in his pocket: Carter, it's me. (With no answer, he activated the magnetic strip card in the lock) I'm coming in.
Bodies of liquor bottles strewn about, she must have helped herself to the mini bar too, apparently.
Jack, to himself: Cliché.
Sitting against the wall at the back of the room, a bottle of champagne and a glass at her side, she was dressed in sky blue pajamas and a half-open hotel robe. Her extremely drawn and puffy eyes suggested that she was sleep deprived and must have been crying all night.
Elbows on her knees and one hand in her hair, she frowned at her watch, believing him to be gone by now. She huffed with apprehension at being passed around, whether by a being out of her imagination or by a real human. She made a negligent sign of the hand, pale imitation of a pseudo military salute, resigned to be yelled at in any case.
He froze with a memory and stared at her with a touch of panic. She took that for confirmation of a next reprimand, swallowed and could not support his glance. He shook his head to leave his stupor, contemplated one second the disorder and deduced from it that she must certainly be still drunk. As if to confirm his thoughts, she closed her eyes, exhausted. He accepted his new mission: get her up, shower, potentially eat, rehydrate, and finally, get her to sleep.
Jack: All right, Carter. Come on, on your feet. Let's go
Sam rests her head against the wall: I'm tired, Jack.
She opened her eyes wide and stared at him strangely.
Jack, a little worried about this confirmation of her blood alcohol level: "Jack"?
Sam shook her head: Sorry, sir.
Jack put his hands in his pockets and looked at her: You told me you were fine.
She seemed to get impatient and lowered her head completely into her hands. She took a deep breath and blew through her nose to calm herself.
Sam, through her teeth: For my dad, yeah. (she kept her head down and waved her hand without conviction) For the rest...
Jack: We're worried about you.
Sam raised her head, jaded: "We"?
He noted that she seemed to be at her wits' end, and clearly wanted to be left alone.
Jack: That's what friends are for. Did you sleep?
Sam frowned: A little.
Jack: Eat?
Sam rolled her eyes: No.
Jack shifted a dead Jack Daniel's with his foot: Drank something else than alcohol?
Sam lost her patience, coldly: No, Father.
He froze with her unusual aggressiveness. She immediately felt bad for reacting like that and her face darkened. He was also close to her father, after all, to compare him to him after he had come all the way to bury her, accepted her requests and helped her flee the ceremony that had become too difficult was not respectful. She shook her head to apologize again and he nodded slightly to accept it.
The two of them fled from each other. She felt nauseous again and closed her eyes to keep from vomiting. And now she had her father's death on her mind again. What would he think if he saw her in this state, she wondered, the same as this man standing before her, probably. To be judged at a time like this was the last thing she wanted. In fact, it was not entirely accurate: she could no longer stand any judgment on her own choices. No matter who was in front of her.
Sam opened her eyes again, nauseous: With all due respect General, don’t you have something more important to do?
He understood her point of order and regretted not coming with the others. She took a step towards her to help her, but she quickly put a hand in front of her, stood up alone and stared at him. He thought he saw hatred in her eyes.
Jack lowered his head and whispered: Sam.
Sam lost all patience, raised her finger to the man and shouted: No! (he froze again. She accentuated her finger towards him and spoke more slowly) Noooo. You know I have no right and you dare to do it? (in a whisper) Not today, not now... (she almost screamed) No!
3.2.3
3.2.3
3.2.3
3.2.3
3.2.3
The tears she had promised herself to hold back began to well up inside her. She was silent a moment to take again the control. He stood still and swallowed.
Sam: All my life I've been following orders: "You be a man, girl!" (she stared at him) "Be the best, Carter! (He looked down. She spun around the room then stopped and leaned against the wall with a new acid reflux) Follow the rules. It doesn't matter how long you've been in school as long as you smile at the reporters.
She paused again. He winced, not knowing what to say to defuse this bomb.
Sam: Keep it under control. (she looked at him intensely) Get a grip, Carter! (lowered) Live up to it. Fight back. Survive. Stay in your place, your rank. (she swallowed and whispered) Don't feel anything.
Jack frowned: I never asked you not to feel anything.
Sam glared at him: Daniel's first disappearance? (he winced) You and Teal'c shut me out. (he lowered his head in shame and discomfort. Her voice broke, she added) And you knew I was at my wits' end! That I was angry at myself for making him worse. I needed... "comfort”! But noooo. (She imitated his voice) "This is the job. We lose people all the time. We've got work to do." (he closed his eyes and she yelled at him) It took you over a year to admit that you see him regularly! A year, damn it!
She turned around and caught her breath, exhausted. The room spun around her and she laughed nervously. He wanted to retort that two times wasn't the perfect definition of "regularly" but something deep inside him, a voice, perhaps his survival instinct, advised him to shut up instead.
Echo:
*comfort*
*feel anything*
*in the previous paragraph he silences "Alfred" twice and in this one he prefers to keep quiet*
*Jack Daniel's whiskey is from Tennessee where they are now*
Sam: All my life I've been following orders: "You be a man, girl!" (she stared at him) "Be the best, Carter! (He looked down. She spun around the room then stopped and leaned against the wall with a new acid reflux) Follow the rules. It doesn't matter how long you've been in school as long as you smile at the reporters.
She paused again. He winced, not knowing what to say to defuse this bomb.
Sam: Keep it under control. (she looked at him intensely) Get a grip, Carter! (lowered) Live up to it. Fight back. Survive. Stay in your place, your rank. (she swallowed and whispered) Don't feel anything.
Jack frowned: I never asked you not to feel anything.
Sam glared at him: Daniel's first disappearance? (he winced) You and Teal'c shut me out. (he lowered his head in shame and discomfort. Her voice broke, she added) And you knew I was at my wits' end! That I was angry at myself for making him worse. I needed... "comfort”! But noooo. (She imitated his voice) "This is the job. We lose people all the time. We've got work to do." (he closed his eyes and she yelled at him) It took you over a year to admit that you see him regularly! A year, damn it!
She turned around and caught her breath, exhausted. The room spun around her and she laughed nervously. He wanted to retort that two times wasn't the perfect definition of "regularly" but something deep inside him, a voice, perhaps his survival instinct, advised him to shut up instead.
Echo:
*comfort*
*feel anything*
*in the previous paragraph he silences "Alfred" twice and in this one he prefers to keep quiet*
*Jack Daniel's whiskey is from Tennessee where they are now*
CW: *psychophobia* *injunction to happiness*
Sam to herself: So that years later, dad and that damn double robot tell me that I was wrong? That I'm here because of him? That-that-that I'm not happy? (she gritted her teeth) That I don't have to follow the rules anymore? (she yelled at someone invisible) Who am I supposed to obey?! Dad or the psycho?!
She grabbed her hair and moved several meters away from him. She hit the bed violently with her bare foot. He instinctively removed his hands from his pockets and approached her again. She saw him out of the corner of her eye and came to her senses.
Sam yelled: NO! Can I ever do anything in my life that I have decided on my own?
Jack shouted back: THEN DO IT! Decide! Not tonight, not tomorrow... NOW! (He lowered his voice a notch) It's over.
She looked into his eyes as she had done many times in the past few years, begging him to help her. For a few seconds of silence, he tried to calm his heart rate and tried to figure out what to say, while remaining cautious.
Jack gritted his teeth: No more orders. No more secrets. No more not saying. No more...innuendo. Let's be... honest. (he got angry again) STOP! Decide! It's always been up to you. (he gasped) Do it now! (he shook his head at her silence and seemed suddenly desperate) Tell me what you want me to do!
At the end of her strength, she swallowed. She had tried, tried so hard to get this man out of her head and heart, tried to have a normal life with Pete. And luckily, she had even managed to have feelings for him.
But it wasn't him.
He continued to stare at her. She looked away, put her arms crossed over her stomach to support the nausea and held back from crying. Once again she was being ordered, admittedly the order to run her own life herself, but if she knew how to do that, she would have done it long ago. All these years of considering risks without deciding whether or not to take them herself had clouded her own personal desires. She felt that her existence was a succession of contradictions.
He seemed to gather his courage to speak. But again, nothing came. Sam shook her head and lowered it again. He saw it and winced. He had to talk, fast, and "Sam" wasn't like...
Jack quietly: Samantha...
Surprised that he called her that, she abruptly raised her head to him. He hardly ever did that. The last time it must have been... oh yes. On the Prometheus. Not really him. When was the last time then? She frowned. Why couldn't she remember? It wasn't just when she was wearing that "outfit", was it? That long ago? Did he really not consider her a woman? Or was it she who had wanted to erase that part of herself from the moment they first met? To prove that she was as strong as a man, as her father had told her .... Damn. Was her brother right about everything?
Jack continued as she didn't seem to be getting upset: I'm a simple man. (lower) Tell me.
She had to get to the bottom of this, test her theory, and this time there was no chance of another woman or Daniel showing up in a hotel room in the middle of Tennessee.
Sam, determined: What if I quit the Air Force? Would that change anything or is it just an excuse?
Jack, deadpan: I'd never ask you to give up your career.
How could she have imagined reality so well? She wondered. So her theory was correct, same hallucination of her father, same dream in space, same deathbed reality. Was it just a very sharp intuition? She felt stronger because of this training and a new burst of courage came over her.
Sam: 'Cause you don't feel anything for me?
Jack looked away for a split second, firmly: That's bullshit, Carter. (he added harshly) You know that.
Their breaths heavy, she noticed the difference with her imagination. This man was the real thing, not the one in her head: he had said more. This encouraged her and she did the same.
Sam: I can't stop thinking about you for years.
He closed his eyes for a few seconds, his heart and brain had just been blown to smithereens at that sentence. Of course he knew it, she had tried to tell him a few days ago, but now it was concrete. No more turning back possible.
Sam, she, clenched her teeth and swallowed her saliva with difficulty. After all, she had almost made her declaration to him a few days ago, and on that damn Tel'tak before that. Nothing had changed. And the man remained silent... Worse, he even seemed to be looking for an escape route. She cursed herself for not having noticed before his harsh tone used in his last sentence. Hadn't he told her yesterday in that car that he was single? That it was because of his "reactions to you. "? She looked away. No no no, his ex had left him, not him. Raaah. Love is not enough, she reminded herself, Pete is a great example.
Echo:
*Decide*
*now*
*tell me*
Notes:
*The last time O'neill called Sam "Samantha was in 1x04 The Broca Divine but he was under the influence and she wasn't in the room, so yeah, the last time she actually heard him call her like that was in 1x03 Emancipation*
Bonus: *click here*
Sam to herself: So that years later, dad and that damn double robot tell me that I was wrong? That I'm here because of him? That-that-that I'm not happy? (she gritted her teeth) That I don't have to follow the rules anymore? (she yelled at someone invisible) Who am I supposed to obey?! Dad or the psycho?!
She grabbed her hair and moved several meters away from him. She hit the bed violently with her bare foot. He instinctively removed his hands from his pockets and approached her again. She saw him out of the corner of her eye and came to her senses.
Sam yelled: NO! Can I ever do anything in my life that I have decided on my own?
Jack shouted back: THEN DO IT! Decide! Not tonight, not tomorrow... NOW! (He lowered his voice a notch) It's over.
She looked into his eyes as she had done many times in the past few years, begging him to help her. For a few seconds of silence, he tried to calm his heart rate and tried to figure out what to say, while remaining cautious.
Jack gritted his teeth: No more orders. No more secrets. No more not saying. No more...innuendo. Let's be... honest. (he got angry again) STOP! Decide! It's always been up to you. (he gasped) Do it now! (he shook his head at her silence and seemed suddenly desperate) Tell me what you want me to do!
At the end of her strength, she swallowed. She had tried, tried so hard to get this man out of her head and heart, tried to have a normal life with Pete. And luckily, she had even managed to have feelings for him.
But it wasn't him.
He continued to stare at her. She looked away, put her arms crossed over her stomach to support the nausea and held back from crying. Once again she was being ordered, admittedly the order to run her own life herself, but if she knew how to do that, she would have done it long ago. All these years of considering risks without deciding whether or not to take them herself had clouded her own personal desires. She felt that her existence was a succession of contradictions.
He seemed to gather his courage to speak. But again, nothing came. Sam shook her head and lowered it again. He saw it and winced. He had to talk, fast, and "Sam" wasn't like...
Jack quietly: Samantha...
Surprised that he called her that, she abruptly raised her head to him. He hardly ever did that. The last time it must have been... oh yes. On the Prometheus. Not really him. When was the last time then? She frowned. Why couldn't she remember? It wasn't just when she was wearing that "outfit", was it? That long ago? Did he really not consider her a woman? Or was it she who had wanted to erase that part of herself from the moment they first met? To prove that she was as strong as a man, as her father had told her .... Damn. Was her brother right about everything?
Jack continued as she didn't seem to be getting upset: I'm a simple man. (lower) Tell me.
She had to get to the bottom of this, test her theory, and this time there was no chance of another woman or Daniel showing up in a hotel room in the middle of Tennessee.
Sam, determined: What if I quit the Air Force? Would that change anything or is it just an excuse?
Jack, deadpan: I'd never ask you to give up your career.
How could she have imagined reality so well? She wondered. So her theory was correct, same hallucination of her father, same dream in space, same deathbed reality. Was it just a very sharp intuition? She felt stronger because of this training and a new burst of courage came over her.
Sam: 'Cause you don't feel anything for me?
Jack looked away for a split second, firmly: That's bullshit, Carter. (he added harshly) You know that.
Their breaths heavy, she noticed the difference with her imagination. This man was the real thing, not the one in her head: he had said more. This encouraged her and she did the same.
Sam: I can't stop thinking about you for years.
He closed his eyes for a few seconds, his heart and brain had just been blown to smithereens at that sentence. Of course he knew it, she had tried to tell him a few days ago, but now it was concrete. No more turning back possible.
Sam, she, clenched her teeth and swallowed her saliva with difficulty. After all, she had almost made her declaration to him a few days ago, and on that damn Tel'tak before that. Nothing had changed. And the man remained silent... Worse, he even seemed to be looking for an escape route. She cursed herself for not having noticed before his harsh tone used in his last sentence. Hadn't he told her yesterday in that car that he was single? That it was because of his "reactions to you. "? She looked away. No no no, his ex had left him, not him. Raaah. Love is not enough, she reminded herself, Pete is a great example.
Echo:
*Decide*
*now*
*tell me*
Notes:
*The last time O'neill called Sam "Samantha was in 1x04 The Broca Divine but he was under the influence and she wasn't in the room, so yeah, the last time she actually heard him call her like that was in 1x03 Emancipation*
Bonus: *click here*
CW: *genocide* *murder* *agism* *power of domination* *manipulation* *alcohol*
Sam spoke to herself: I imagined all this?
He rested his gaze on her and understood that by her silence, she had thought that it was not at all mutual... But something blocked him.
Jack lowered his head and almost whispered: Carter... You deserve better.
Sam chuckled slightly from the stress: What? Better than what? (she almost laughed) Better than you?
He swallowed and Sam's face broke: He really meant it.
Sam ranted: You're a jerk! (He looked at her, surprised at her insult, then looked away, uncomfortable) I didn't deserve "better". (she looked at him intensely) I want you. (he raised his head sharply at this sentence) And really, I wish people would stop telling me that I deserve better, ‘cause for the moment, the result remains the same: I'm still alone.
A headache was coming on. Why was she reliving these moments, she wondered.
He looked away again and she swallowed her saliva with difficulty. She had to regain her composure. After all, hadn't she made this man and her father imagine saying this? She frowned. Shit, she had imagined it too and it had happened again. She shook her head, rested her gaze on him and thought of Pete again. Pete had told her too. And he meant it too. Her heart cracked a little more.
Sam, more quietly: I've convinced myself for years that you're unattainable 'cause I'm afraid of getting hurt, and... (softly) You're telling me you just don't think you're what I “deserve”?
Jack frowned, stunned: "Unattainable"?
Sam looked at him in bewilderment: Our grades? (she moved her hands) And if it doesn't work out, will we stay "friends"?
He wondered if she wouldn't have wanted him to leave the Air Force years ago, even though she had made it clear several times that she didn't want anything to come out of that room. Had she lied?
Sam gritted her teeth, then said more calmly: Who deserves me? Who deserves you? Why them and not me?
Jack: It was your decision from the start. (she swallowed and looked away. There was a silence and he was sorry he had been too harsh) Sorry-
Sam: Forget it. (He looked at her) Forget everything I said. I'm... It's okay. (Lowered) Just my dad, I guess.
She forced a smile to reassure him and then looked away. There was silence again.
Sam still low, nervous about potentially destroying their friendship: Please. Say something.
Jack emerged and looked at her again: I am your superior.
Sam chuckled and stared back at him: Oh please. (She saw his serious look and was annoyed again) Breaking the rules is not one of your problems.
Jack frowned: It's not that. I've been a mentor to you (she winced with incomprehension) I'm much older than you. I taught you... a lot.
Sam remembered Catherine's words: Um, you think you're old and wise? (he questioned her with his eyes, lost again. She smiled softly) The heart ever grows old.
Silence.
Sam grew impatient: Agent Johnson is two years younger than I am.
Jack, surprised that she had checked: Oh? (She lowered her head in shame and cursed herself for not controlling herself. He resumed with a harsher tone) I made you. (He looked away) Sort of?
She still didn't understand what he was getting at and questioned him with her eyes again. They were definitely having a hard time making themselves understood, they thought, and it was getting even more frustrating.
Jack calmed down but gritted his teeth: I can't bear the thought of having a relationship with you and wondering every day if you're acting consciously or if... If I've made you...
Sam frowned, softly: “made me” what?
Jack lost his temper: Docile. Dependent. Controllable. Influential... (he shouted) Choose!
He gasped in fury at himself, closed his eyes and turned away from her, putting both hands behind his neck. With the shock, the last flayed remains of Sam's heart broke.
Sam gritted her teeth at a deep nausea: You think I'm that weak?
Jack looked at her, nervous, and apprehensive: Carter...
Sam felt the anger rise in her: You think I don't know the difference when I'm being manipulated?
Jack, distraught: You were so young when you came in under my command. (she rolled her eyes and it irritated him) What? 28? (he insisted strongly) I was 45. (she grimaced and looked away) I've seen your evolution all these years. Don't you dare tell me that I could never influence you in any way.
She swallowed. Tears welled up inside her.
Memories.
Sam spoke to herself: I imagined all this?
He rested his gaze on her and understood that by her silence, she had thought that it was not at all mutual... But something blocked him.
Jack lowered his head and almost whispered: Carter... You deserve better.
Sam chuckled slightly from the stress: What? Better than what? (she almost laughed) Better than you?
He swallowed and Sam's face broke: He really meant it.
Sam ranted: You're a jerk! (He looked at her, surprised at her insult, then looked away, uncomfortable) I didn't deserve "better". (she looked at him intensely) I want you. (he raised his head sharply at this sentence) And really, I wish people would stop telling me that I deserve better, ‘cause for the moment, the result remains the same: I'm still alone.
A headache was coming on. Why was she reliving these moments, she wondered.
He looked away again and she swallowed her saliva with difficulty. She had to regain her composure. After all, hadn't she made this man and her father imagine saying this? She frowned. Shit, she had imagined it too and it had happened again. She shook her head, rested her gaze on him and thought of Pete again. Pete had told her too. And he meant it too. Her heart cracked a little more.
Sam, more quietly: I've convinced myself for years that you're unattainable 'cause I'm afraid of getting hurt, and... (softly) You're telling me you just don't think you're what I “deserve”?
Jack frowned, stunned: "Unattainable"?
Sam looked at him in bewilderment: Our grades? (she moved her hands) And if it doesn't work out, will we stay "friends"?
He wondered if she wouldn't have wanted him to leave the Air Force years ago, even though she had made it clear several times that she didn't want anything to come out of that room. Had she lied?
Sam gritted her teeth, then said more calmly: Who deserves me? Who deserves you? Why them and not me?
Jack: It was your decision from the start. (she swallowed and looked away. There was a silence and he was sorry he had been too harsh) Sorry-
Sam: Forget it. (He looked at her) Forget everything I said. I'm... It's okay. (Lowered) Just my dad, I guess.
She forced a smile to reassure him and then looked away. There was silence again.
Sam still low, nervous about potentially destroying their friendship: Please. Say something.
Jack emerged and looked at her again: I am your superior.
Sam chuckled and stared back at him: Oh please. (She saw his serious look and was annoyed again) Breaking the rules is not one of your problems.
Jack frowned: It's not that. I've been a mentor to you (she winced with incomprehension) I'm much older than you. I taught you... a lot.
Sam remembered Catherine's words: Um, you think you're old and wise? (he questioned her with his eyes, lost again. She smiled softly) The heart ever grows old.
Silence.
Sam grew impatient: Agent Johnson is two years younger than I am.
Jack, surprised that she had checked: Oh? (She lowered her head in shame and cursed herself for not controlling herself. He resumed with a harsher tone) I made you. (He looked away) Sort of?
She still didn't understand what he was getting at and questioned him with her eyes again. They were definitely having a hard time making themselves understood, they thought, and it was getting even more frustrating.
Jack calmed down but gritted his teeth: I can't bear the thought of having a relationship with you and wondering every day if you're acting consciously or if... If I've made you...
Sam frowned, softly: “made me” what?
Jack lost his temper: Docile. Dependent. Controllable. Influential... (he shouted) Choose!
He gasped in fury at himself, closed his eyes and turned away from her, putting both hands behind his neck. With the shock, the last flayed remains of Sam's heart broke.
Sam gritted her teeth at a deep nausea: You think I'm that weak?
Jack looked at her, nervous, and apprehensive: Carter...
Sam felt the anger rise in her: You think I don't know the difference when I'm being manipulated?
Jack, distraught: You were so young when you came in under my command. (she rolled her eyes and it irritated him) What? 28? (he insisted strongly) I was 45. (she grimaced and looked away) I've seen your evolution all these years. Don't you dare tell me that I could never influence you in any way.
She swallowed. Tears welled up inside her.
Memories.
An order to create a bomb based on her own naquadah reactor to wipe out an entire civilization. Daniel as a bonus.
Genocide.
Genocide.
Bad memories.
Three fingers on one hand, hidden.
Betrayal.
Betrayal.
Very, very distant memories.
The sound of a crash against the wall of the iris.
Murder.
Murder.
He noted her change of expression, which validated his words, and his heart sank.
Sam looked at him with hatred and added: If you dare to believe that I am not able to tell the difference between what I really feel and what I do, (more sharply) get out of here, accept my transfer, and never speak to me again (with fury) or even look at me!
She waited for him to make a decision, but he got lost in his thoughts. He wanted to run away to protect her, but his legs refused to move. If anyone should be transferred, it was him, not her. He didn't understand her request. It was illogical and she was the opposite of illogical. Could she give up her career at the SGC so easily? And his change of expression... Yes, she understood when she was being manipulated.
She felt bad for complicating things so much for this man who lived life so much more simply. She shook her head to regain her senses and clear the fog that was clouding her thoughts. It was necessary that she took again, that she took again the control. Less tears already, she said to herself, that should put him more at ease. She quickly wiped the wet pearls which furrowed her cheeks with the sleeves of the bathrobe.
Sam, more quietly: What are you waiting for? (she smiled weakly) That we are interrupted again?
Jack stammered: I... I don't know.
She felt she had made enough progress towards him, it was his turn to take the remaining steps if he wanted more. He looked away again, tense.
Jack winced: That's not right. I know… I'm terrified.
He swallowed hard and looked away again. She waited for the next part, but he didn't have any confidence in himself: Of all the missions he had done in his past, he felt that this was the hardest of his life, not knowing if he would make it out alive. And actually, not knowing if he really wanted to: Death seemed easier than this discussion.
Sam winced in incomprehension and tried to be as gentle as possible: Why?
Jack stammered again: I don't know, it's... (he grimaced) It's not easy for me ’cause you...You're...umm...
He raised his hand to her and immediately put it back down and shook his head slightly, searching for his words. He looked at her to signify that she herself knew what she was like.
Sam, scathing: Bad in my relationships?
Jack frowned: You think you're responsible? (she raised an eyebrow, shook her head and turned her back to face him. He couldn't understand her reaction and insisted) Carter, you could have anyone.
Sam swallowed and faced him again: And I "deserve better", yeah (she closed her eyes at the feeling that she was back where she started and that nothing was going to change, except for worse. She regained some courage and stared at him) You know who told me about deserve? Dad and Pete (she gritted her teeth and added with hatred) Hathor and Fifth. (he froze and she regained her composure) Please don't say that again.
Jack looked away and made up his mind: If I'm terrified, it's ‘cause... (carefully) You’re... Smart ... Brave ... Funny ... Powerful ... Hot...
Sam was surprised to hear him say that word for her: "Hot"?
Jack corrected himself: Very hot.
She couldn't help but smile and lowered her head. Her cheeks flushed with color. Of course she knew what she provoked in men, but the fact that he in particular told her explicitly, disturbed her enormously. She needed to hear from his mouth that he wanted her. Physically. That he didn't just admire her for her skills in the army or for her intelligence. That he saw the whole of her.
Jack swallowed: And I... I feel intimidated.
Sam raised her eyebrows: "Intimidated"?
Jack took an obvious tone: You blew up a damn sun.
She smiled and lowered her head again, feeling like she was regaining control. The famous Jack O'Neill was admitting to being terrified in front of her? That was precisely what she thought of him. This man had been distressing her for so many years and had the power to petrify her in a second, for him to feel the same in mirror effect was... unthinkable!
Sam shrugged slightly and hesitated: Now what?
Jack moved closer again, cautiously: Now we can start with um...
He cleared his throat, now in front of her. She bit her lower lip and caught herself looking at her superior's, but this time she didn't hide it. Her heart was beating hard in her chest. They stayed several seconds looking at each other without knowing what to do.
Sam begged him one last time: Please don't let me do everything. (She whispered) It's not easy for me either.
He was losing ground and had to stop being afraid. After all, he had been waiting for this moment for years now. His brain firmly commanded him, "Do something!". He raised his hand to her cheek, not without much hesitation. She pressed her face against the palm almost immediately, closed her eyes at the touch and opened her mouth slightly to breathe more deeply. He had the impression to fail and caressed it with the thumb, very gently.
She breathed harder, he saw her chest rise and fall, and got lost in her cleavage. Good god that she was desirable, he said to himself, he would have jumped on her immediately if he listened to himself. She reopened her eyes and caught his glance on her chest. She smiled maliciously but he abruptly withdrew his hand. She frowned and her smile disappeared at his reaction. As for him, he took a step backwards, lowered his head and nervously tapped one of the dressers next to him and cursed his brain. She closed her eyes and wished she could disappear.
Jack apprehended her reaction: You... You're still drunk.
Sam opened her eyes again, reassured: I'm not. (He stared at her, unconvinced. She changed tactics) I give you permission to take advantage of the situation.
She smiled to reassure him but the man in front of her did not. It was exactly what he was afraid of.
Echo:
*friend*
*deserve*
*manipulation/influence*
*try*
*intimidated*
*hot*
*illogical*
*this is not easy for me*
Notes:
*Clare Carey, the actress who plays Kerry Johnson was born in 1967, Carter was born in 1968 but Amanda Tapping was born in 1965. I used this age difference for the actresses with their roles*
*Carter says "jerk" in SG1 10x18. One can imagine that in private she is even less careful with her language*
*Video: non-physical compliments (source)*
Bonus: *click here*
Sam looked at him with hatred and added: If you dare to believe that I am not able to tell the difference between what I really feel and what I do, (more sharply) get out of here, accept my transfer, and never speak to me again (with fury) or even look at me!
She waited for him to make a decision, but he got lost in his thoughts. He wanted to run away to protect her, but his legs refused to move. If anyone should be transferred, it was him, not her. He didn't understand her request. It was illogical and she was the opposite of illogical. Could she give up her career at the SGC so easily? And his change of expression... Yes, she understood when she was being manipulated.
She felt bad for complicating things so much for this man who lived life so much more simply. She shook her head to regain her senses and clear the fog that was clouding her thoughts. It was necessary that she took again, that she took again the control. Less tears already, she said to herself, that should put him more at ease. She quickly wiped the wet pearls which furrowed her cheeks with the sleeves of the bathrobe.
Sam, more quietly: What are you waiting for? (she smiled weakly) That we are interrupted again?
Jack stammered: I... I don't know.
She felt she had made enough progress towards him, it was his turn to take the remaining steps if he wanted more. He looked away again, tense.
Jack winced: That's not right. I know… I'm terrified.
He swallowed hard and looked away again. She waited for the next part, but he didn't have any confidence in himself: Of all the missions he had done in his past, he felt that this was the hardest of his life, not knowing if he would make it out alive. And actually, not knowing if he really wanted to: Death seemed easier than this discussion.
Sam winced in incomprehension and tried to be as gentle as possible: Why?
Jack stammered again: I don't know, it's... (he grimaced) It's not easy for me ’cause you...You're...umm...
He raised his hand to her and immediately put it back down and shook his head slightly, searching for his words. He looked at her to signify that she herself knew what she was like.
Sam, scathing: Bad in my relationships?
Jack frowned: You think you're responsible? (she raised an eyebrow, shook her head and turned her back to face him. He couldn't understand her reaction and insisted) Carter, you could have anyone.
Sam swallowed and faced him again: And I "deserve better", yeah (she closed her eyes at the feeling that she was back where she started and that nothing was going to change, except for worse. She regained some courage and stared at him) You know who told me about deserve? Dad and Pete (she gritted her teeth and added with hatred) Hathor and Fifth. (he froze and she regained her composure) Please don't say that again.
Jack looked away and made up his mind: If I'm terrified, it's ‘cause... (carefully) You’re... Smart ... Brave ... Funny ... Powerful ... Hot...
Sam was surprised to hear him say that word for her: "Hot"?
Jack corrected himself: Very hot.
She couldn't help but smile and lowered her head. Her cheeks flushed with color. Of course she knew what she provoked in men, but the fact that he in particular told her explicitly, disturbed her enormously. She needed to hear from his mouth that he wanted her. Physically. That he didn't just admire her for her skills in the army or for her intelligence. That he saw the whole of her.
Jack swallowed: And I... I feel intimidated.
Sam raised her eyebrows: "Intimidated"?
Jack took an obvious tone: You blew up a damn sun.
She smiled and lowered her head again, feeling like she was regaining control. The famous Jack O'Neill was admitting to being terrified in front of her? That was precisely what she thought of him. This man had been distressing her for so many years and had the power to petrify her in a second, for him to feel the same in mirror effect was... unthinkable!
Sam shrugged slightly and hesitated: Now what?
Jack moved closer again, cautiously: Now we can start with um...
He cleared his throat, now in front of her. She bit her lower lip and caught herself looking at her superior's, but this time she didn't hide it. Her heart was beating hard in her chest. They stayed several seconds looking at each other without knowing what to do.
Sam begged him one last time: Please don't let me do everything. (She whispered) It's not easy for me either.
He was losing ground and had to stop being afraid. After all, he had been waiting for this moment for years now. His brain firmly commanded him, "Do something!". He raised his hand to her cheek, not without much hesitation. She pressed her face against the palm almost immediately, closed her eyes at the touch and opened her mouth slightly to breathe more deeply. He had the impression to fail and caressed it with the thumb, very gently.
She breathed harder, he saw her chest rise and fall, and got lost in her cleavage. Good god that she was desirable, he said to himself, he would have jumped on her immediately if he listened to himself. She reopened her eyes and caught his glance on her chest. She smiled maliciously but he abruptly withdrew his hand. She frowned and her smile disappeared at his reaction. As for him, he took a step backwards, lowered his head and nervously tapped one of the dressers next to him and cursed his brain. She closed her eyes and wished she could disappear.
Jack apprehended her reaction: You... You're still drunk.
Sam opened her eyes again, reassured: I'm not. (He stared at her, unconvinced. She changed tactics) I give you permission to take advantage of the situation.
She smiled to reassure him but the man in front of her did not. It was exactly what he was afraid of.
Echo:
*friend*
*deserve*
*manipulation/influence*
*try*
*intimidated*
*hot*
*illogical*
*this is not easy for me*
Notes:
*Clare Carey, the actress who plays Kerry Johnson was born in 1967, Carter was born in 1968 but Amanda Tapping was born in 1965. I used this age difference for the actresses with their roles*
*Carter says "jerk" in SG1 10x18. One can imagine that in private she is even less careful with her language*
*Video: non-physical compliments (source)*
Bonus: *click here*